All I need to start a day with a big smile is...

.. T hugging me early morning and saying "Good maama"...

.. spotting one of my nicest pictures as the desktop on P's new laptop ...

.. counting days for NC to land here .. only 9 days to go...

.. planning a weekend trip with friends..

.. early morning yoga.. :)

My birthday last year was sadly marked by this and now P's birthday was marked by the attack on posh Mumbai. I am shocked, sad and angry. I don't claim to be very well- informed on politics or the great issues facing this world .. All I have are these questions...

Why did the top cops who could lead the operation with their strategic planning, have to go and get killed in the encounter? What were they thinking? How does this work, aren't there rules for such seniors to handle such situations from the back with their brains .. instead of making martyrs of themselves?

Has the present Indian government been too soft on terrorists? Should Afzal have been hung long ago?Is it time for BJP to come to power and what has our country come to that the hateful BJP hardliners seem to be the only way to go?

What's wrong with all these people? Why can't we all WAKE UP and change the world? What is a Hindu.. a Muslim... people divided for a God no one has seen?

Will Obama save the world?

Last of all...

Is Raj Thackery alright with north India forces coming to his beloved Mumbai's rescue?
Stop dividing us.

Happy thoughts..

... After this lovely picnic.. we hadn't had enough of each other and followed Chandu and others to her home for a game of Taboo.. The hour that we had decided to leave after, flew unnoticed into another.. and we realized we had to head home to T who was finally up after a long nap. Both P and I didn't feel like leaving the party and I thought of asking everyone to move the party to our place. But Chandu and her Boy had made preparations for dinner and everyone was having such a good time that I hesitated. The darlings that these people are, they themselves offered to move the party to our place.. carried the uncooked chicken and the beer and the game and had a lovely impromptu dinner at our place.. This is such a lovely change from the stuck-up, hung-up people we have always been around..



.. Tomorrow is P's birthday. I wanted to do something extra special to snap us out of the complicity that has set in our relationship.. And guess what.. everything is finally in place.. the surprises unfold tomorrow.. so wait till then to read about it all..

T's curiosity..

never seems to end these days.. Every new thing, from a tiny screw on the side of his cot to pictures of strange animals in his baby books is subjected to curios inspection followed by "ee kaa hai mamma?" (what is this mamma?)..
I was sure this question will pop up sooner or later but it came much sooner than later..
The latest this morning on the breakfast table was..
T: "ee ka hai mamma?" pointing to the ugly little pimple popping on the side of my nose :(
Me: "ummm... mamma oui hua" (mamma's hurt here)
T: "Mamma face pe 1...2...3... 4... 5... balls" helpfully counting the baffling occurrence of pimples on my face ..
and making sure we start our day with a big laugh...

What does really happen to relationships?

The huge gap in expectations widens by the day. The time and urge to talk and sort it out weakens.
I am not cynical enough (as yet) to profess or admit that there is an expiry date to every relationship. To admit that every marriage eventually fizzles out in 2,3 or 4 years is to admit defeat. There has to be a reason and a solution. I believe that I am in control of my life but everything is so hazy right now. I don't know where to go from here.

I just hope I find some way out before this weight of disappointment crushes my optimism.

This is a tough post to write but I just read Chandni's post and felt terrible. It actually made my eyes water. Chandni's Boy and my P are out on a photography trip. P being away a couple of years ago used to make me feel the same way as Chandni does now. Infact I didn't even deal with it so well. I would miss P so much that anything other than a work realated trip would mean a flow blown fight and cost P a lot to make up for it. It's so different now.

He's been gone a day and all we've had since then are 3 conversations on the phone.. not a minute longer than the usual all's well.. no messages.. and oddly enough I haven't felt the need.
I have been happy with the time I finally have to myself.. I painted my nails.. took a longer bath than usual.. sorted my clothes.. caught an old favourite movie on TV. All was well till I read Chandni's blog and realized something was amiss..

Its probably nothing more than the general lack of time for myself.. with work and T and so much to do around the house, there's no room to miss P. Also, since P works from home a lot these days, I never go back home and have the house to myself, he is mostly there.. I think I crave that space. We see too much of each other. That is an odd sentence.. I'm sad for us.. I could have never thought of ending up like this a couple of years ago..and here I am.. not missing P and feeling misearable for it all the same ...

T was watching this on my laptop while I ate lunch.. he confidently kept pointing to the screen now and then and screaming out different alphabets.. the "double - oo" came before the "dee" .. so obviously he didn't know one from the other.. he just recognizes ABCD and then the rest of it he hums as a song..

Then suddenly he realized that I could see the screen too.. he turned around .. smirked.. and then started pointing out the "balloons"and "stars".. shapes that he really knows instead of the alphabets he was faking .. He already takes mommy for a fool.. :)

T's first pet..

is a lovely glass bowl with two gold fish gifted by G ma and Dadu. He loves it and wants to sit on the top of counter right next to the bowl. He screams "Hi fishy" right in the bowl and scares the poor fish. He desperately wants the fish to talk back or something so he's constantly blowing (more like spiting) in the bowl.

Last night we put the bowl on the dining table so he would eat properly and the fish were promptly rewarded by some left over soup. We saved them from the bits of bread just in time.

His favourite rhyme for now is ...

Machli jal ki naani hai...

jeeka uska paani hai..

haath.. dallllll..

bahaar.. mallll....

Ek monkey tha...

pakata phuta...
crakers tha.. green.. orange.. pink.. tha..
phir ka hua..
terrace pe gaya....
wow.. pretty...

I know it doesn't make much sense but it is the first story T has learnt to tell.. some of it from the stories we tell him and some of it his own.. :)
I'm sure there are many more to come..
Are they really supposed to be talking so soon and so much??? I surely won't be able to keep up with him at this pace..

On a car ride back home..

.. anyone noticed this monstrosity at the AIIMS flyover.. these big steel blobs shooting up out of no where.. i wonder what it is?? ... a bored babu's money making scheme... a modern artist's representation of global warming.. whatever it is ... it's ugly...
and there are more of them.. many more.. smaller and uglier.. like an army of aliens had just landed to take over our land...
Please enlighten me... someone....

... "advertising has never been this close to reality" screams a billboard on the South Ex bus stop.. it advertises the "Republic of Chicken" outlet right behind ... amusing... and smart I think :)

A Happy Anniversary to us..

We turned 4 as a couple on the 20th of Oct. It has been a rock and roll ride but a fun one.

I took a quick trip to Benetton to pick up a hurriedly chosen gift. I had almost decided to skip a gift this year, I had no time or energy to plan anything thoughtful but then I just couldn't bring myself to break this tradition. I was sure this is how it all starts, first you stop surprising each other with little gifts and then you stop caring for each other..

So anyway.. here I was with my gift in place and pretty sure that P didn't have anything for me thats when the surprise came knocking on the door.. actually ringing the bell on my door.. a lovely bunch of white flowers and a bottle of champagne with a little note saying "We'll always have Paris" ... Casablanca fans would know what I'm talking about and there's a personal story behind this phrase and our trip to Paris a couple of years ago.. that will be told another time...


So I was thrilled but sure that this was it and was happily planning my day at work and maybe a dinner later. Honestly, I hate going to work on a special day like this so I was a little peeved. This was the first time in 4 years that we were in town, every other year we used to go out for a short vacation.. but this year had been really busy. I was about to enter my bath when this strange lady walked into the house with a big basket. This was P's big surprise.. a home spa treatment.. 3 blissful hours of Thai massage and scrubbing :)..

A lovely dinner at a posh hotel followed in the evening with great red wine. I finally got to wear the really low back orange top that had been lying unused for so long..


On a more serious note, I'm glad this year is over. It has been the toughest year in our married life as yet. We went through a lot. We have been furthest from each other this year and oddly enough the closest too. I'm proud of us for surviving this time. And I'm hoping against hope hopen that the worst is over... fingers crossed...

On the eve of Karva chauth

Another important day is almost here. Tomorrow I celebrate Karva Chauth, the only married-woman thing that I do. I don't wear a bindi on my forehead, or a mangalsutra around my neck. I don't wear vermilion in the parting on my hair or even bangles.. yes I mostly prefer the uncluttered look and rarely adorn myself with any kind of jewellery.. to my mother's horror, my wrists are bare most of the time (confession: I carry bangles in my bag most times to be prepared for encounters of the motherly kind).
Then comes this day once a year when I do all of this. As with Navratras and most festivals, this is more about nostalgia and preserving a family tradition than pleasing any Gods or elongating my husband's life (he will have to join a gym for that).
This day has such a dramatic, romantic feel to it. For all the years that I can remember, the preparations for this festival began a week or so before the day. Mamma started worrying about what to wear and promptly went saree shopping. So I don't know if this happens in every home but in my home, we buy a new saree every year... :)

The day before was reserved for shopping. Colorful glass bangles and puja things, applying henna on hands. Then dawned the day of Karva Chauth. It was actually one of those very few days in the year when I would see dawn. We would all wake up at 5 in the morning and join mamma to eat her morning meal. The huge spread consisted of gobhi paranthas, sweets, custard apples, almonds, sweet seviya, etc, etc.. And one of us kept running out to the balcony, straining the neck to check if the stars were still visible in the deep blue sky, for the fasting started as soon as the stars vanished and the new day began. How can I forget the final course of this grand meal.. one capsule of B complex vitamins and a paracetamol swallowed with one last glass of water.

Mamma spent most of the day in bed. When the time for the evening puja came, she adorned herself with the new saree and heavy jewellery that finally got to see the light of day. After the puja, we all collected at our grand mother's place and had glasses of fresh fruit juice. This was one respite that our grand mother offered to her daughter-in-laws. The time after the puja was the worst part of the day for my mom, the wait for the moon to rise, thirst increasing every minute. Papa would be back home from work by this time and try to pacify her foul mood and keep running to the terrace looking for the moon.

When the yellow moon finally rose, we ran up to the terrace... puja things and all.. mamma held up the sieve and saw the moon through its mesh and finally touched papa's feet. Papa always surprised her with an expensive gift.

Why this long ballad on my mother's Karva Chauth?? Well mine is quite similar too.. other than a few changes. I try not to stay home and keep active and busy so I don't think of food or water and I don't touch P's feet. I just can't. It somehow signifies a difference in status in a marriage and that's just not how it is for us. We are equals. And most important of all, P has never gotten around to getting me a gift for all the starving that I do for his sake. Maybe touching of feet has something to do with it ... :)

I'm all set for tomorrow. My hands running on the keyboard look pretty with henna, the earthy, warm fragrance gives me a high. Shopping done, the new saree is at the dry cleaners for ironing. Its a red-beige printed tussar, subtle by Karva Chauth standards so I've teemed it with a hot red zardozi choli. The jewellery is out of the bank locker.. the choices are either gold or red kundan. Any ideas?

How many times ..

do I start writing and give up half way... millions.. the number of unpublished posts in my list are so much more than the ones you get to read.. I write about something important and it reads so lame that I give up.. just like I'm about to now..

The joys of motherhood..

T finally managed to keep me home by falling sick. He was running high fever last night so obviously going to work was out of question. On days like these I realize the importance of not being in a regular job. Though I have been labeled a dukandaar by P.

I'm glad I stayed home. T is much better now after a visit to the doctor.
Isn't motherhood totally worth it when your baby spends an hour playing with your tummy. The tummy which no one else will look at and abs is just not the right word for it anymore. It is a soft, cushiony lump of fat that little T loves to sleep on and press as if kneading dough (so you can picture how much fat there is) while I make funny faces and noises much to his delight.

Then we spent half an hour looking for "meetha dai" (sweet homeopathic medicine) that T and spilt all over the bed. We scouted for every last little ball on the bed... with T chirping along.. "Meetha dai kaha gayi.. dhundu dhundu" (where is the sweet medicine.. search..).

The evening was spent at the Deer Park that T adores and then we headed out to look for "Ravanas" around town. Most of the usual places where the Ravana effigies were burnt till last year were surrounded by construction work. So the tall structures we spotted from a distance were either Delhi Metro pillars or some huge machine building a flyover. After much scouting we finally spotted the mighty Ravana with his two companions. T took some time to take it all in and was finally excited to bits.. Infact we plan to go early morning tomorrow for another look before it all burns down..

Conversation with P this morning...

Me: I am getting late for work..

P: So what is it that you really do at work?

Me: Well, I work..

P: But what work?

Me: I attend customers, make sure my staff is attending them well, solve problems, etc..

P: So you have turned into a proper Dukandaar (shop keeper)

Me: (a bolt of lightning hit me) yes I have :(
I'm not a sassy ERP consultant at a big corporate anymore.. I am a dukandaar..

I need a break...

Now I know how far I've come from the days of slogging in a corporate. Its hard to see how I could have pulled off 14-15 hour work days till barely a couple of yours ago.

A 9 hour work day kills me now. I've been very busy lately, working holidays and Sunday too. And T has been staying home with P or nani for more than a week now which means I've hardly had anytime with him and I miss him like crazy. I haven't been away from him so much other than the long American holiday.

I am with him everyday after work but its too little, I miss his entire day and I hate that. By the time I get home, he's too busy in his games with papa or with the maids and I feel like an outsider.. :( .. silly, insecure mother that I am...

I am enjoying working hard after a long time but can't wait for all this to be over so I can go back to the old routine where T is with me at work. I especially cherish the long drives to and back from work when we sing and talk and its uninterrupted T and me time..

Uhh... I miss you little T.. and here's what I keep looking at.. chotu singh.. the little brat..



I know I can't and won't ever quit work but I keep on dreaming about the long break that I would take and spend long lazy days just with T and P at home, doing nothing. Weekends are just not enough with the long lists to chores to fit in. I will definitely take a few days off after work eases out a little and just stay home with T.

Jungle Tales..

This post is due from April.. had written it immediately after the trip but somehow completely forgot to sumbit it. I found it today while going through the list.


So the short, impulsive trip took us to a national park. We left early morning and had an amazing drive. I always put together a chicken, pasta salad for such journeys. Its a filling meal and makes the pit stops short. It started off when once P and I had some people over for dinner the night before we were leaving for a holiday and I packed the left over salad to see us through breakfast. Its become a tradition now. I pack it in two or three little boxes so its easy to eat out of it in the car. And dump it in the ice box so its stays refreshingly cool.


So P drove and I ate, then I drove and he ate and we made it to our destination in record time. Since we started early and missed all the traffic, we weren't tired at all and anyway one look at our hotel shot our spirits through the roof.


As we drove through one last bend in the hills, the lush green lawns and bright blue swimming pool of the hotel beckoned. The lawns ended in the stony beach and then the beautiful river. surrounded by little hillocks. We chose to stay in a tent instead of a room since we didn't have T with us. This the funny thing about having a baby, when he's not with us, we do things that we wouldn't normally have done. What I mean is that it has made me more adventurous and impulsive. Since I know doing things a certain way is not possible with T around, I try to live to the maximum when he's not with me.


So we had lunch, then a long dip in the pool and then we set of to see this other place.

Now this was an expensive fishing resort that we wanted to stay at initially but the tariff was completely beyond us so we took the next best thing and decided to just visit the place to find out what the fuss was about. Now this place is accessible only on foot across a little hillock or in a jeep by wading through the shallow river. We thought of testing our trusty SUV through the river since P loves these adventurous off-roading drives. So we convinced one of the local hotel staff to accompany us and set off. We crossed the first stretch of the river fairly easily and then a second, by the third P was over confident and just went a bit too fast and ended up on a wrong patch and of course we got stuck. Now the SUV seems quite dependable on city roads where you park it on side walks if no parking is available but in the midst of a river was another ball game altogether. It is not a four wheel drive so we just kept going lower and lower on revving it up and finally reached the river bed. The water would enter everytime we would open a door. P and the local dude struggled to put stones under the wheels and I was driving, actually trying to move it somewhere. Nothing worked for about half an hour. It got dark. The local decided to run back to the hotel to get help and we waited. It was the scariest time of my life. We were right in the middle of the river. The engine had to be kept running, cos shutting it off would have meant risking the water entering the exhaust pipe. Thank god we had topped up the fuel. We could see forest fires on the opposite hill top. The river gushing all around us. It was spooky.

Then we saw a jeep approaching through the river on the other side. First thought was relief, then fear. P made me hide on the back seat and I took of the little jewellery i wore. The jeep approached us tentatively. We waited with bated breath. P flicked the car's light to sign the jeep to stop and help, nothing happened, then P put the window down and screamed out that we were stuck. The jeep inched forward and entered our side of the stream. We could now see a lone driver in the car, I felt better and rose from the hiding position. The jeep took a wide turn into the stream and just went through it at the farthest point possible, crossed the river and went on to solid ground and drove away with P left screaming for help. We couldn't stop laughing at the thought that we scared the poor guy probably on his way to get provisions for the other resort or something . But the weirdest thing was that the kind of distrust we have for fellow humans now. We were stranded in the middle of the river and the guy didn't even stop to ask why were we there. Or did he think it was a pleasure picnic at that hour in the middle of the river with water reaching above the foot rests of the car doors. So anyway, after a half hour's wait, the local guy got back with a jeep and six more men. They moved our car in under a minute.

The adventure did not end here though. The next morning started with an early morning jaunt to the fishing sites that were more easily accessible. P managed to catch quiet a few but of course we released them back into the water. The region is a Mahaseer conservation area and only angling is allowed with a permit and only in the presence of a government guide. P's obsession with fishing holidays suits me fine, all the time he fishes, I sit on a shady corner on the bank with cool drinks and a book and enjoy the quiet and of course the beautiful views that most such places offer. So the morning was spent this way.

The afternoon took us inside the national park. It wasn't season time so only a handful of jeeps were parked at the entrance waiting for the gates to be thrown open.We went cruising in an open jeep at 3 in the afternoon, under the scorching sun only to spot a few herds of deer and some jungle fowl. Sweaty and disappointed we were waiting to turn back when suddenly the alert jeep driver spotted a wild elephant that too a male tusker. We headed closer. P with his camera ready got all excited. As we went closer the big guy just turned around and started moving in our direction. P and the driver realized it was mast (in its mating period i think) and hence could actually charge at us. I freaked. The jeep kept going forward, P clicked away happily, the elephant closing in and I was screaming under my breath (yes its possible to scream like that when a wild animal is a few meters away). Fortunately P was happy with the pictures he took and asked the driver to turn back. Heres one of them.

So then we were finally heading back, content with the conquest. As we got close to the park exit, we saw a jeep ahead turn around and head back full throttle, the people screaming "Tiger, Tiger.. choti something something...". So we turned around as well with screeching breaks, bumping backs and baited breath.

By the time we reached there were a bunch of jeeps surrounding the said spot with screaming aunties and yelping children. The tiger had ofcourse fled into the surrounding bushes. We spotted the stripes and then as of to put an end to all the commotion, the animal got up and strode away majestically deep into the jungle, in full view of the screaming crowds.
A great performance.

Somehow seeing the tiger culminated the trip and we didn't have an appetite for anything else, just headed back to the hotel and back home the next morning.

Navrataras...

How is it that I can not bring myself to type out a word when I'm absolutely free (vella is the apt hindi word here) and can't tear myself away from the blog when I'm in the middle of one of the craziest weeks at work??


Firstly about yesterdays post. It looks like its blown over though not sure of the consequences as yet.


So this is about the ongoing Navrata festival. I don't fast for nine days but I do give up non-vegetarian food and refrain from the consumption of alcohol. Every time I do this , especially since the time I got married and moved out, I think about the reason that pushes me to follow this ritual.


Strangely it is not religion or spirituality. I come from an extremely religious and spiritual family and I consider myself spiritual too but I've always stayed miles away from rituals. What this means is that faith runs deep in my veins, I believe in the existence of the Almighty. I address Him by the name I'm used to since childhood. I think of Him very often everyday. I visit the temple occasionally. My spiritual connection is a very important part of my life and helps get me through the tough phases in life. This is all there is to it.

I do not believe fasting will get me any closer to God. I do not believe that giving up meat or alcohol proves my faith. I certainly don't believe 9 days twice a year are enough to prove my faith if it needs to be proved.

The other widely claimed reason for people abstaining in Navratras is, health. They think these forced days of eating Satvik food will cleanse their systems. It is a good way to detoxify. Well, to each his own but again not for me. If I have to detoxify or feel the need to stop eating something after indulging excessively, I just do. No mater what time of the year.

After all this soul searching, I realize that I follow the Navratras for the sake of tradition. This being a tradition that carries sweet memories for me . No one is forcing it on me, I just choose to continue what I saw in my parents home for years and want it to be a part of my household and my children's lives. I enjoy the festivity that came with it. I cherish the days of Kanjak to culminate the Navratras. The halwa, puri - cholay and eating them for all three meals since there was always so much of it. The pooja where Mamma Papa would wash our feet and of all the other girls present for the puja. To wear something pink or red on that day (and some years black just to rebel :) ). I want to carry it on in some way and pass those memories to my children. This time of the year and these little rituals fill me with a warm, cosy felling of being in your parents home, of dressing up and gifts. I'm so looking forward to this whole month of festivals.
So wishing you all a lot of festivities and happiness ...

Why why do I do this to myself??? I tell myself to grow up and be more prudent and then go back to square one. This need to put everything in place and everyone in place spells doom every time. I can only pray the consequences dont hit us as hard as it looks right now.. Thank God for P being calm and supportive as always otherwise I would be packing my bags.

I wish I could just turn back time and undo this mess..

Up 'a te te ..

That means "up and down" in T speak these days and it really means that P should pick him up and throw him in the air and sing " Up and down and up and down..."

The change in his verbal prowess has led to a lot of ordering around now..

Conversation with the dog -

"doey (zoey) seet (sit)" with a strong finger pointed at the poor dog even though she is sitting.

"doey hoto(hato- move aside)" with the wave of a hand..

Conversation with mommy -

"maama andh (hand) " asking for my hand " baal (bahar- outside)"..

At the high chair "maama bas , bye" (maamma enough.. now go away.. bye)

When P left for work he told T to take care of mamma and be the "Man of the house".. T would repeat every word but soon enough it becomes "Man of on the house".. since off/on is the new favourite repeat morning to night phrase :)

Here's the little baldie trying to sleep with the dog..

rock on Rock On...

A rocking weekend after ages. P being on a major making up spree surprised me with tickets for Rock On at PVR Gold class. The movie is better than most I've seen. Urban and real. The actors have done a fabulous job. Finally real actors, not afraid to experiment be it hairstyles or characters. The music sticks on. I have been humming it for two days now. The lyrics are amusing and the music really catchy. I am no critic but seriously couldn't find a flaw in the entire length of the film. P has been singing since then in an attempt to convince me that he too is a rock star in the making like the movie folks.
The Gold Class experience is also highly recommended especially if the frequency of watching films at the theatre is as low as ours. Only thing they lack is blankets. It gets cold and you really need a blanket to snuggle in the lazy boy.
In the evening we decided to party and go someplace real nice. So we landed at the Ashoka in the midst of an unexpected downpour. The valets refused to park any cars since they had run out of parking, I gave up and wanted to go back home. P was more motivated and drove to the other side of the hotel, dropped me at the porch, got drenched and then dragged me all around the hotel to finally reach the F Bar and Lounge. The place was already swinging at 11PM. The music was not really my kind though P enjoys it. I was craving for some Rock On. The drinks we were sure were watered down. I get buzzing in one beer and I had 3 drinks. That normally leaves me pretty high. Not here though, I could tell P which woman was wearing the wrong dress right till the end.
That brings me to the point of dressing. All the people there I'm sure were completely loaded but as far as taste goes, much is left desired . Especially when it comes to differentiating between clothes for a luncheon and clothes for a night club. And thats just common sense. The lady in a white off shoulder top and white linen pants with a white flower in her hair would look gorgeous at a lunch party or maybe even dining out AL fresco but in a night club with UV lights.. hello.. Similarly, another one in a pistachio green floral dress with strings of pearls. And whats with the off shoulders, every other person was in one and I caught so many of them constantly pulling the dress up. It does really ruin the purpose of a sexy dress, doesn't it? Anyway.. it was a day well spent.. And you all have to have to watch Rock On.. really.. (no they aren't paying me for promotion)

Introspection..

There are two ways of living life. First is to be yourself, say what you like, do what you like, the way you like, have strong convictions and opinions, voice them. Love fiercely, live fiercely. This will constantly result in disagreements, embarrassing situations, arguments, fights but you give all you have. You want things and you struggle till you get them. You want to live your life a certain way and you fight your way through everything to get there. Hold nothing back.

The second is to be content. To love mildly and live mildly. To suppress the real you to avoid confrontations. To go with the flow and never against it. To compromise. To keep everyone happy. To have an easy going, even a happy life but not what you would ideally want it to be. To keep the real you in a caged corner.

I have always based my life on this belief. I am a different person in every relationship. I am fierce in relationships that matter to me most and mild in the ones that are not so important to me. Similarly, I am fierce with things that are priority at that time in my life and mild with those that aren't.

The moment of truth arises when my attitude changes from one to the other. A relationship very important to me is going through such a phase. I can give in now and it might become easier for all those involved. Less fulfilling and less true but easier. The fight to make things better, to make them the way I had wanted it from the start seems to be going nowhere. I seem to be the only one wanting it and slamming against a hard stone wall, breaking myself. I speak my mind and its ugly. I hate what this is turning me into.

I can let go now but a part of me would die. Just the thought of a calm but unfulfilled life is repulsive. I am at a loss. I can let go but don't want to.
This is a life choice, the turning point for the rest of my life.

NC is leaving..

Three months come to an end. Her vacation is over. I don't want to write how nervous I am about her leaving or how much I will miss her. She will hate me if I delve too much on that.

I just want to tell her that the last three months have been the best part of the year. In spite of me being busy with my life, I did try my best to give her as much time as I could. Maybe it wasn't good enough but knowing all that she knows about my life she will understand how I tried.

All the troubles did not magically vanish when she landed here but it was a lot easier to handle them when she was around. The burden somehow seemed lighter.

I apologize for all that I couldn't do for her when she was around. We did not spend enough time together. I did not talk to her enough. I did not listen to her enough. We didn't go out enough. I haven't taught her how to cook dal. Not that I'm the best person for that but anyway.
I did skip my diet so we could enjoy eating out. I skipped work often enough. I ignored P and T at times. I went to a holiday I didn't want to. I really did try to do my best.
All this is just so that I can tell her that don't hate me, our family or Delhi for not giving you all that you expected out of these last months.
Please Please come back and keep coming back and not just for T's sake.

Wow... an award..

I have just been awarded the Brilliant Weblog award by Piper and NC. Here it is ..




"The Brilliant Weblog award- a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design. (Ahem!)The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogosphere. Here are the rules to follow:
1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5. And then we pass it on!"

It was a pleasant surprise for somebody with my frequency of posting. The problem with passing this is that I read very few blogs and am sure all of them have received this award already and more than once in some cases, so lets not make this go round and round. I will keep this for another time when I can pass it on to new bloggers.

Piper and NC thanks again and I promise to post more often.

The time I let my baby cry..

T has this weird habit of sucking the fingers on his left hand and holding another person's eye while trying to sleep. The sucking has been going on forever and I don't know what to do about it, just hoping it will go away with time or maybe not.
The thing about playing with my eye or his dad's while sleeping started sometime back when he kept unwell on and off for quite a while. That's when he moved back to our bed from his cot.
That coupled with my own insecurities got us used to co sleeping. There seemed nothing wrong with it. We loved snuggling up in bed together and going of to sleep hand on eye.

Something was wrong though, the habit took deep routes. He became extremely dependent and never fell asleep on his own. He had to be put to sleep on our bed and then moved to his cot. Of course he was back in our bed sometime early morning. So yesterday we decided to train him to sleep on his own in his cot.

It started well, he very happily went to his cot and snuggled up with a stuffed toy. All was well till he realised he was not going to get an eye to hold. All hell broke loose. We lay on our beds and tried to calm him with rhymes and even patted him. But he just wouldn't budge.
P couldn't bear the crying after a while and wanted to give in "just for tonight" I shoved him out of the room and took over. After numerous repetitions of his favourite rhymes and when the fatigue set in, he finally gave up. I did pat him a little though. It was heart breaking and I am so scared of going through this again tonight and God knows till when. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I couldn't sleep for a quite a while after all this. I was quite shaken up and felt worse for being alone in this. I wish P had stayed and not made me the bad parent.

I just hope and wish and pray with all my heart that T forgets this and it does not have any lasting impression on him. I just want him to be independent and he seems smart enough to understand most things. This seems like the right time to discipline him. Though I feel like such a monster of a mother.

I finally have a little blog roll of my own. This is a step to come back to my blog more often and not look for links in history to get to the blogs I like reading.. Looking forward to getting back in touch ...

For lost dreams..

I am ordinary and life is ordinary. Till not so long ago I thought differently. I, maybe like everyone else, thought I was meant to do achieve something great. I never knew or know now what that something great would be, but something I was just right for, I was meant for.
Life seems so mundane now, so meaningless. It seems such a waste. A waste of opportunities lost in utter ignorance. Lost because of the ignorant confidence of youth. Because of never being shown the mirror, because of never being made to understand reality till it bit. Because of a crazy, romantic belief that everything would always stay perfect. Because of the naive belief that the love of people who love me will always be there protecting me. Because of not knowing the right from the wrong, or that there is so much more than just right and wrong.
Because of not investing time and love on the right people. Because of not being able to know who were the right people. Because of always being afraid of being truthful and honest. Because of always trying to be someone other than what I was. Because of never getting to know who I really was.
Too late now??? No. How can it be? I am still me. A lot of time has passed but there's still so much more to go. There is a chance to find myself , to find the right people. Something great must still be waiting to be done. Something will fall in place sometime.. For lost dreams and undying hope....

So I'm blogging on a Monday morning.. strange.. but don't feel like budging from home today.. am still at the dinning table.. lingering over a late breakfast.. a really late one actually.. T is ready.. food is packed.. all set to get out .. other than me. I think the MNC trend of 2 days off in a week is so deeply ingrained in my system that if I work a weekend (like yesterday) my battery is just not charged to do another full week's work. It's funny that my body also responds to Monday only if I've had a 2 day break.
Another reason for such a late start to the day is the movie I saw with NC last night. She finally managed to get me to a movie in the festival thats on here. It was great watching a movie in the theater after ages but late night shows don't work for me... especially after a days work. Even at the most interesting parts of the film I caught myself wondering when i would get to my bed and get some sleep. The movie was something though.. Lady Chatterley.. based on the DH Lawrence book. I have never seen more nudity ever before. Ok.. More later.. maybe.. got to rush..

Finally some time off...

work and T and P and everything else... I've been quite miserable, don't know if its mental, physical or emotional or maybe a little bit of all these. It seems like I'm carrying a heavy load on my shoulders all the time. I am so tired.
There is something that has been weighing on my mind and maybe thats what is completely drained me. I don't want to talk about it. Please don't ask. Not even you NC. But it's huge and it's something I don't want to do but I'm doing only to save my marriage. It's killing me. P is not really providing the kind of support or comfort I expect from him. Please tell me you support me on my decision and have complete faith in my ability to do the right thing.

I should tell you..

whats really been happening. I have been exceptionally busy though the main reason for not writing anything is the list I posted the last time. Everytime I open the blog and read the to do list before writing a new post and I get distracted by the fact that I lot on that list is still undone or a work in progress. I get down to either making T's diet chart or phoning people about the staff I need. By the end of that, its too late to write.
So today I decided to not read the list and write first instead. The holiday was fun. We went to this quiet little hilly village in Uttrakhand and stayed in a lovely cottage. The place was run by a delhi family and was done up amazingly well.. straight out of a home magazine. Every room a different color theme. T had a fabulous time with his nana nani. He was very happy with the arrangement of nana being right in the next room. And he found his true love - A peach or let me say a zillion peaches straight off the trees.

This place had an orchard around, so we were surrounded by peach and plum trees. T thought they looked like balls and for once it wasn't forbidden to be put in his mouth. So at all times of the day he would had both his hands full with peaches at different stages of consumption. I was just happy he was eating something.



Before I forget to mention again... Little T is bald now. We did the mundan on 30th and a small get together for relatives. I somehow lived through it all. He was alright during the head shaving but misses his hair. Some days back I caught him trying to pick up some strands of my fallen hair from the floor and stick to his head. It was hilarious and sad at the same time. I should post a recent picture of his since nc hasn't done it either.


We are off again in a couple of days for another short holiday. This time its just me, T and nc visiting some family. I'm nervous about T's first flight and his first trip without papa. He is quite a handful now and I get completely exhausted running behind him and trying to feed him. NC is confident we'll handle him and have a good time too. Time will only tell.

Things to be done asap...

Okay I can not control all but I need to really get a grip on all that I can. I have to

- Write out a detailed diet chart for T with the timings so if I leave him at home, people know what to feed him when.

- Set T's bed time and a routine like we used to sometime back.. just lost it all amidst broken bones and fevers. This will give him some structure and us the much needed time together.

- Hire two good, well paid people at work (reception and sales) to strengthen my team so I don't worry so much about work when I'm stuck at home.

- Spend two days completely at home to train the new maids.

- Take my sis out for some plays/movies and somehow let her know that I really do care and i'm so glad she's here.

- List out options for P's work and help him decide a direction (a Gantt chart is what he needs)

- Be ready to join back work full time by 9th or 13th June if the vacation works out.

- Start exercising or I'll loose the little form and shape that I'd got into. Also dinner time needs to be moved between 7 & 8 pm.

Status Quo it is...

and I hate it. T is sick again. The maid is sick again and this time its a different maid. I'm stuck at home again. The sis is bored and is considering going back early. I haven't been able to spend much time with her because of the maid situation and the ailing T. She isn't getting along with the folks. We were planning a holiday together, all of us, but doesn't seem to be working out. I haven't seen her film as yet which i'm dying to but she will have to be made to believe over and over again that I really want to see it till I finally can. I feel miserable about her not being happy here but I just don't know what to do. I have a strange dependant relationship with my parents and it drives me up the wall most of the times. Now sis thinks everything needs to be put right which it does but can someone tell me how? Talking it out is not an option. We speak different languages.

P isn't doing too well either. Things are stagnant at the work front. Its started to get to me and I've started to get to him. Sis things I should take control of the situation and do something about it. I have been trying but I can't. Its the man's work, he has to figure it out. I really can't do anything about it other point him to the options I know of and push him once in a while. Life has come to a stand still at a very unhappy point.

the only ray of hope....

NC comes back home on Monday...
Dear sister,
I am eagerly waiting and have too many hopes resting on you. Somehow seems like all will be well when you are close and not a million miles away.
I need to remember you have a life of your own too.. :)
Anyway, looking forward to whatever time we spend together, to lots of fun and lots of food... and lots of me free and T with you .. hehe...
Have a safe flight!!!

and i keep trying even after...

- losing two maids in one day... and
- having a fight with mum and actually breaking down on the dinning table ... and
- having an idiot relative pass snide remarks at my husband at a party ( details later) .. and
- having a fight with the husband, all our frustrations bursting out... and
- another long day of housework ahead with no help in sight... and
- a crazy energetic baby who manages to get into trouble in a second if not watched.. and
- another party to be planned that I have no interest in.. just doing it to make my folks happy.. which i'm pretty sure won't happen either.. can't think of surviving another evening amongst people i despise but have to be nice to inspite of them getting away with all sorts of crap with me and even my folks... and also P's side of the family... God.. BLESS ME!!!

T's Birthday Party..

I've had a crazy two weeks and completely forgot to post about the birthday party. P did a fabulous job of organising it. Lovely blue balloons covered the terrace. In fact it looked much fancier than I'd thought or wanted but it was lovely. I put T in a blue lakhnawi kurta and he looked adorable.

After much deliberation I wore my fancy saree instead of the cotton one that I had initially wanted to. I changed my mind after I saw what my MIL was wearing .. a black chiffon saree with silver work... :)

The only thing that bothered us was that a lot of our friends didn't turn up. And most of them only decided to RSVP the day of the party and not earlier. So we ended up paying for more people than actually ate and that didn't feel too good. Actually it was the first time P and I threw a party outside our home with a catering service and all. We completely over looked the fact that everyone invited does not turn up. I wouldn't care if a couple of people didn't turn up at a dinner at home.. the left overs can always be used :). And I think people don't normally cancel when its a small thing at home. Whatever the reason, P and I were disappointed with the low turnout.

The party on the whole was a success because T had a great time.. he was happy to be at the centre of it all. He slept only after most of the guests had left.

The in-laws seemed happy too, though I was disappointed in them but that's another story for another time..

Here are some pics of the birthday boy on his big day...

sliding with nani...


yummy creamy cake....

Vocabulary Update..

I think It's time I start taking a note of T's vocab.. He's blabbering non stop and some of it does make sense..
In addition to mamma and hot he now says...
bapa - for P
bah - for ball
bahyee - for bye
anth - for ant
huth - to hit something that he wants to get back at for hurting him (i'm not happy about this but either my folks or the maid has taught him and he uses it frequently)
and something that sounds like ' acha hai' or 'atha hai'.. normally used when he likes something ...

He also uses some gestures extremely effectively like..
Shake his head wildly from one side to another means No and a big one at that..
Shake his head from top to bottom.. wildly again means Yes..
Opens and shuts his palm and points at something or someone to show what he wants...
Points his finger at the dog and motions her to sit.. not that she pays any heed to that but its fun watching...
And of course, the dance... any form of music or even a repetitive noise or sometimes nothing.. (as if some music is playing in his head) starts him off.. the dance can be just an index finger moving bhangra style or the torso going back and forth or even the legs moving in funny odd ways.. but all of it in sync with the beat... lol

I don't think he's interested in walking at all .. he's happy crawling and just wants to use up all his energy in talk, talk and more talk.. he's definitely taken on P's side of the family.. :)

Think of Kareena..

So its true.. everyone has Kareena fever.. it's not her acting skills but her size zero.. or not yet size zero.. that everyone's obsessed with. I go for Pilate's classes in the mornings to this posh gym-spa kind of place. I really can't afford it but I somehow bumped into the instructor and I was desperate to loose all the pregnancy weight. She convinced me to try her classes and I got hooked. The only way I justify spending an astronomical amount on this every month is by not keeping a driver. I would have paid him the same amount so till I don't have a driver I can be a part of the elite set of Delhi ladies for an hour three times a week. Or to put it another way I can't get a driver till I don't loose enough weight to quit these classes :)
Anyway.. the point is that the latest talk in the gym is all about Kareena. What does she eat? How did she do it? Is she anorexic? She must have access to something that mere mortals like us don't, etc, etc.. This BIG diamond aunty saw her at some "friend's party" and supposedly she and all her friends couldn't eat another morsel and add another calorie after seeing her svelte figure.
So now whenever the exercises get too tough and we are huffing and puffing our way through the class .. the instructor yells... "don't give up... think of Kareena"... and suddenly new energy is infused in all :)

Happy 1st Birthday To My Precious..

I have been writing a million letters in my head to you right from the day you were born. Initially, I wanted to tell you about all the hard work it is to raise a baby. To let you know of all the nights that your mum, your massi, your nani and papa woke up to tend to your needs. To tell the tales of the wet soiled nappies and those endless hours of feeding. I wanted you to know all this so you know that we did all this for you because we loved you more than anything or anyone in the world. We loved you since the day we knew of your existence, when you were just a tiny pea in my womb. I wanted you to know that we all were so happy and grateful to God for giving us the privilege to take care of you.
We all have come a long way from those first few weeks. You are so grown up already. You have a whole new personality of your own. You are so friendly and outgoing that it scares me. How will I protect you if you go on like this… trustingly smiling and greeting anyone you see, the road side beggar or the fancy snob aunty. You manage to make them all smile back. You stand on your own now and soon you will be walking. You have an interesting laugh of your own now and the silliest of things tick you off. And you have quite a will of your own too. I can foresee a lot of stubborn fights are in store for the two of us and I pity your poor father who will be caught somewhere in the middle.
Right now you have left your games and are standing by my shoulder and hugging me in the cute little way you do by placing your cheek next to mine. And now you have pulled of my glasses and it’s hard to know what I'm typing. Ok.. ok.. I know you want me to get off the laptop and be all eyes and ears for you. There finally you are diverted and I can resume.
I have to tell you of the guilt I go through. I am never satisfied with the amount of time I give you. I wish the day was longer. I feel I don't try hard enough or know the right kinds of food so you would eat more and gain more weight. I feel guilty for dragging you to work with me everyday and not giving you enough space to play there, for not taking you to a park often enough, for going on holidays or parties and leaving you behind. Also, for not combing your wild curls often enough and for making you go through an X-Ray before you even turned one. Also, at particularly blue times, for using pampers on you instead of pigeon, for not having a garden in front of our house to give you enough space to play, etc, etc .. I hope when you grow up you will not blame me for all this. You will probably have other things to blame me for.
You are quite a good looking baby and a charmer. In fact most people wonder and some are rude enough to say that you don’t look like our baby at all. What they fail to see is that you are lucky enough to have got the best of your mum and dad. The thing I fear the most is that all the attention you get because of your curls and smiles will spoil you. And you are quite the brat already.
Anyway, I want you to know that the past one year has been full of more ups than downs, a lot more happiness than sorrow and a lot of learning. I have grown up because of you. I have become a different person because of you.
I will always try to provide the best of everything to you. Going by my experience you will probably not understand or appreciate any of this till you have a baby of your own. That’s how life is.
I wish you all the good things in life. More importantly I wish you contentment. I hope you are lucky enough to know what you want, if not at 18 then at 28 or even 38 but it’s important that you eventually do and you get to do that. I hope you never forget how much you were loved and always will be loved unconditionally.

A Very Happy Birthday to you my love.. Enjoy the little party papa has put together for you..

Ok.. so I have been away a lot and this might go on for a while.. T turns 1 on Friday, the 2nd of May and we have a party planned out. Though not sure how it would turn out now that T has a fracture in his collar bone. Yes he does.. the X Ray shows it. He might have to wear a sling. I don't know how I can force a sling on baby.
It all happened when P went away for work over the weekend and I stayed at mum's. Since there's no crib there, T slept with me on my bed and rolled over in the middle of the night.
I never think anything can really seriously go wrong so didn't take enough precautions to safe guard the bed side and he fell flat on a bare marble floor.
I feel so guilty I could die. I keep thinking of the time when I woke up with his shrill screaming and the terrible thump I heard just before. I remember screaming out of fear and shock when I saw him lying on the floor.
I just want him to get better. It kills me to see him crawl in the way he does now, almost on 3 limbs, leaving the weight off his injured shoulder.

This and That....

So the last whole week was full of action. The lack of access to Internet has created quite a backlog on my blog but I have to start some time.. there is so much to tell...
First the wedding was great, had a fun time. Though it didn't start off too well. I found it hard to dress up and have any zest to attend the ceremonies. I was just so drained.. The fatigue was showing on my face and the inability to enjoy something I had been really looking forward to made me feel worse. Anyway, after one such disastrous evening, I decided to have a good night's sleep and then onwards it was great.
I finally wore my wedding lehenga and got a million compliments. That really made my day. P also got affected by that I think, he was his old romantic self and made us pose like the bride and groom to get some pictures taken. We always regretted not getting these pictures clicked on our wedding day so that's taken care of now... :)
The wedding ceremony was quite long and boring. It was a Kashmiri wedding much longer than the instant Punjabi wedding. So we finally got home the next morning.
After a lazy Sunday, P and I left T at Nani home and took off for a short break the next day..
More on that later...
I had 200 plus unread emails by the time I got back and most of them for the MTB baby shower. Please please anyone tell me whats happening there.. I'm clueless and I don't have it in me to read all the mails..

No one has it easy..

I spoke to this cousin of mine and actually she's a cousins wife but we get along quite well. The fact that we had babies withing weeks of each other and were together in pregnancy woes helped.

She always used to talk about quitting her job to bring up her baby earlier but has been extremely particular about keeping her job now after the baby. I always thought there was something odd about that and got to know the reasons today. The five months that she was home after the baby made her realize that she couldn't quit working. No she is not really an ambitious career woman. She just knows she can't live 24x7 with her mom-in-law. If she does she will loose her sanity.

Now the MIL is my aunt, my father's sister so I know she is just like my grand mother and so I know what she can do to her daughter in law from my mother's experience. Now this lady is so bossy, she can choke you with it. Its hard to refuse her for anything. Imagine living with her. It makes me gasp for breath.

The MIL takes care of the baby all day so that means the baby has to be brought up her way. The DIL didn't want to use a bottle to feed the baby but it didn't happen. The DIL didn't want to use diapers on the baby all day but obviously it was too inconvenient. The really weird part is that the son is made to believe that the baby is kept in cloth nappies all day by his mother. The only time that the MIL really feeds and cleans the baby herself is when the son is around and the rest of the time its up to the maid. I would have thought the DIL was paranoid if I didn't really know the MIL myself.

I really pity this poor girl. She has to work only because she can't stay at home. Her guilt for staying away from her baby is killing her but she knows that staying at home will result in so much frustration that she won't be able do justice to her baby.

Now the worst part is that she had a nice 6 hours of work arrangement with her boss at her current work place instead of 8 but thats over. The department she used to work for shut and she has to look for another job. That would mean longer hours of work and less time with the baby. She would not be able to get home by 5 pm to take her kid to the park anymore.

I suggested looking for a part time thing but there aren't any options. I feel terrible for her and suddenly my life seems like a cake walk in comparison.

Hot hai!!!

The famous first words after Ma and Ba that T learnt are "Hot Hai" (Its hot). No we are not trying to equip our little boy with phrases to admire women ;) .... It started off as a warning for him to not touch anything warm like the bed side lamp's bulb that he always went for or our tea mugs. But now it stands for anything dangerous that he's not supposed to touch like switch boards, etc.. Well.. we mean parents do manage to get kicks out of this and P is constantly getting T to say " Ma hot hai" ... lol...

For all the hard work...

Well... guess what, after my earlier rant about how tired I was and how I worked so hard all this week. My parents finally walk in and tell me that they think i don't put enough time at work. I start too late in the morning. Can you believe that?? I know I'm talking about my parents here but this is more than I can take. I have shed a lot of tears over the hurt that this caused me and now I'm plain angry.
My parents are not cruel to me or anything and I chose to work for my father when I had T for various reasons. But now I think it was all a big mistake. The main reason was that I always wanted to help my father with his work and give him some rest and peace of mind that he hasn't ever had. He is a hard working man who made a lot out of nothing by slogging all his life. I have always respected that and wanted to relieve him of some of the work burden and stress so he could have the time to enjoy what he has earned. I did not join him straight after finishing my studies because it seemed like the easy option then. I wanted to do something on my own, to prove to myself and to him that I was capable of surviving in the world and doing well. But I had always thought of helping him eventually.
As soon as I got pregnant, the time seemed right. I wanted the flexibility and the option of taking my baby to work. Also, I wanted less number of hours. This in no way meant that I wasn't serious about working. I have inherited his workaholic ways but I believe and fortunately have the choice to lead a more balanced life. I don't want to make a lot of money. I just like working.
Coming from a top fancy MNC to a business wasn't easy. I hated it initially and thought of quitting but didn't have the heart to do that to my father. I knew he was happy with my decision to join him. And most of my life has been about trying to please him. It was hard to deal with the kind of people that were there. Now about an year and a half later, I am finally more confident about my choice to work here. I know I am learning the trade well and am enjoying it. I am getting used to the idea of owning a business, of employing people, of building something. It felt good. I want to do so much. I want to change the old processes and most of all the way employees are treated. I realized I have a different way of working than my father and I thought it was working. I was hoping for some appreciation.
All this might seem strange to most people. And they might think why can't I just tell them all this. But I can't. I have never really had a real conversation with my parents. I don't know how to start now. Now, I just want to walk out of the whole thing but I wouldn't and couldn't do that. I just don't know how I will ever be able to come up to their expectations. I do my very best but I still fail miserably.

If I'm missing an eye....

you'll know who to blame... little T of course. He has this strange habit of sleeping with two fingers of his left hand in his mouth that he uses as a pacifier and the right hand has to constantly hold something like my eye or my nose. And P and I sport various cuts that his sharp nails mark us with at bed time. But we've tried everything else to put him to sleep. Nothing works other than this. Mommies please tell me what makes your little ones to be off to the land of nod???

I didn't realize I'd been away so long... Its been really busy around here. I actually pulled off a 6 day week at work after ages. Ever since I had T, I have never done more than 5 days a week and about 5-6hrs of work a day and honestly a lot of times its just 4 days a week. When I say work, I mean office work of course... otherwise you know the mommy duty never ends.
With my father away most of the week in the middle of the busiest times at work, I had to really slog. I have lost my stamina for working the way I did before T. I hope I can get that back once T doesn't need as much time as he needs now. Although I don't think that will happen till he starts school.
Other things keeping me busy were my pilates class that tires me out enough that I work at half my efficiency. Will write more about the class later.
And another wedding in the family. This is as close as its gets other than NC ofcourse :)... So had to get clothes ready, mine and T's. P of course doesn't believe in preparing a week in advance. We got nice kurtas stitched for T. Will post some pictures soon..
I feel so completely pooped right now. Just want to go home and sleep. I think I'll bunk work tomorrow since papa is back. I need a massage.

T's new avtar

Here's T in his first ever kurta pyjama and we just had to put him in front of the Tabla that his nani got for him and he loves ...

But we leave our music and run for papa's camera as soon as we spot it.. It's getting really hard to click any pictures now that T runs for P's fancy camera everytime..

Now I know...

why there is such a shortage of good help or any help for that matter in this city.. Its the new trend of the rich.. 2 maids per child and of course a few more for the house. Really!!! Believe it or not.. it's true. I know at-least two women who have two maids for their child. And in both cases, the mothers don't do any kind of work from home or office or house work or anything other than lunch with the ladies and shop...
In-fact P and I walked into a day farm house party some weeks ago sans maids and just T and we must have looked like aliens to the rest because we were actually holding our baby. There was no maid in tow.
P and I are very concerned about our privacy. An outing means just our little family, just the three of us. We never take a maid along to such things. Its only when we are going to a family wedding sort of a thing where we would have to be really involved in the ceremonies or would have to stay till long after T's asleep, then we take a maid.
I just can't stop wondering what do they need two maids for a child for? They actually don't even lift a finger. One maid passes the clothes and the other puts them on the child. Why have a baby at all and what will the baby learn from an uneducated village woman? What about the importance of touch while bonding with your baby? Don't these women ever feel guilty for not bringing up their babies themselves or don't they feel overwhelmed with so much love that makes them want to do everything for their babies themselves..

T's birthday party

I am going nuts here. With T's first birthday approaching fast, we have to figure out what to do for a party. P and I have never been in favour of celebrating 1st birthdays. The baby not only doesn't know that the celebrations are for him, or care, in most cases it turns out to be torture for the little thing.
Having said that, T has thoroughly enjoyed all the birthday parties he's been to so now we don't want to deprive him of that and we don't mind putting up a small celebration just for our friends and close family.
The only problem is that what started as small is getting completely out of our hands now. I never wanted to be one of those mums who have nothing better to do so they plan their kids birthday parties months in advance but now that there's just a little under a month left, we find we hardly have any choice of venues available. I would love to do a small thing at home but we will surely fall short of space and we can't use the terrace because of the heat.
Another issue with doing it at home means throwing our varied group of friends together and also our family. P and I never drink with our family. It might seem like double standards but it's just that my mum and his parents are quite conservative when it comes to drinking and partying. But this time P and I have decided to come out in the open. Not sure if this would actually happen but we want to. When I told my mum that we want to offer liquor to our friends for T's party she freaked a bit and has since been referring to it as 'drinks party' instead of 'T's birthday party'. So now you know what I'm talking about.
The biggest issue of-course is the guest list. Now I am quite close to most of my extended family.. first cousins, etc.. so I have to and want to invite them for the party. P is out of touch or not on talking terms with most of his cousins. But he says his mum might feel that we've invited so much of my family and none of his. Though it is completely unreasonable considering the relationship he has with them. So all this has been causing a lot of heart burn and we end up cancelling the whole thing thrice a day.
If we go all out (we both don't want to) and call the whole families,etc, etc.. we end up spending a lot more than we intended and we end up wasting our time pleasing the relatives and not celebrating with our friends. This kind of ruins the whole idea of the party. Also this would mean like a 200 people party and how can we do such a celebration in my sister's absence.
The latest plan is to do a small thing at the club on T's birthday and a bigger, more family kind of a thing a month later when sis arrives.
Though pulling it off is not going to be an easy task either. More on that later.

Another reason to love Baichung Bhutia

I still remember the days when my sister's rooms walls were covered with this cute footballer's posters.. Here's another reason to love him.. He has refused to carry the Olympic torch when it arives in Delhi..

Women's corner..

This tradition of 'Zenanas' dates back many centuries but is surprisingly still so common. Or maybe only in Punju homes that I mostly land up in. Basically, most of the friend's places we got to, when there is more than one couple invited, the women folk tend to retire to a part of the house separate from the male dominated living room. What age are we living in?

After I got married, all I wanted to do was to stick to P's side and not be sent to a different room with the women. Then I gradually started trying to fit in with the women 'cos most them thought of me as a snob who didn't want to mingle with them. The result was that I became even more sure of my choice to stick to with P at such dos.

Now I love girlie things. I love talking about shopping, manicures, pedicures, babies(well now I do), etc, etc. But what I don't like is bollywood gossip, maid gossip, next door neighbour gossip. What I hate is one or two women showing off their super expensive ( like a month's salary to us) bags with the same silly logo all over it or garish colors that are cool just because of such designer labels,etc, etc. What I completely detest is the other women flocking around these rich hens to admire and repeatedly admire the stuff over and over again. I can't stand it.

I rather discuss economy, the sub prime problem, business, etc. I don't pretend to know too much about all this stuff but conversations with the men is so much more engaging than the talk in the women's corner. What I really want to know is.. where are you interesting women of the world???

How we change with time.. . P and I were out last evening and bumped into a cousin of mine and her husband. She is a first cousin so quite close by relation but thats where it ends. So we met, exchanged greetings, general 'what are you doing heres', etc... But that was it, we didn't have much to say to each other. What really hit me while talking to them was, how cold I was? I was polite but there was no warmth. It was completely superficial. And I was thinking all this while talking to them and I was pretty sure that I'm transparent enough for them to see exactly how I feel about them. I don't like them for various reasons and I was not happy to see them.
It was a strange sensation for me. To feel nothing for someone like that. And for it to be so obvious. The strange thing is that, I haven't liked her all my life but I never felt like this before. When I greet someone with a smile that smile is true. Even if that's the only true thing in the whole conversation. The weird part was that the smile was so cold. Somethings changed in me and I don't like that. I probably need to grow up and hone my social skills. Lack of diplomacy is a bad thing, its an ass lickers world out there.

Early morning.. ahemm..

We wake up early morning with T jumping over us to reach for something on the bed side table. We realize that T is no longer spread out horizontally between us, we really are lying next to each other for a change. We use the opportunity to snuggle up. As soon as we reach out for each other, the little monster's eyes literally open up to twice their size.. I'm not kidding, his eyes really opened up wide in surprise and he ran for us before we could even get close enough to attempt to create his sibling ...

Support Tibet!!!

My tryst with Tibet began with Vikram Seth's travelogue 'From Heaven Lake' some years ago. I was completely mesmerised by his descriptions of this quaint little country and started reading more and more about it. What fascinated me the most was the resilient character of its people and culture. How even in their exile they had kept their language alive, their art forms still thriving and their religion attracting people from far and wide?
Another thing that disturbed me and shocked me when I became aware of the Tibetan situation was, weren't the days of imperialism over? I know the more aware and learned can tell me that we are all still ruled in some way or another, American hegemony, etc. But weren't the days when one country ruled another by sheer military force over?
If a set of people have been living peacefully with whatever level of modernisation they wish to, why can't they be left alone? Can you imagine living in a free world today that if a Tiebtan is found possessing a mere picture of The Dalai Lama it is enough to sentence him to prison?

Visiting Tibet features in my 'things to do before I die' list but only if it remains Tibet. A couple of visits to Dharamshala made me realize how the whole community seems to be in wait. Every restaurant has picture of the Potala Palace. Street corners and trees have pictures of a kidnapped Lama. It really feels like a town waiting to pack its bags and leave for their kingdom in heaven.
Please do whatever you can to support the Tibet Campaign against China. You can offer your support at : http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/52.php?cl=66033783

Holi Hai!!

After reading about all the horrors of holi that MM and other people went through, I had this urge to lift the heavy pall off this fun festival.
I have some great memories of Holi. Every year my parents would be away all day for three days around holi. They would be off to this temple to attend a religious camp sort of a thing. This used to upset me & my sister a lot when we were younger as we could never play holi with them. As we grew older we started playing holi with some cousins and friends and we were eventually quite grateful for all the freedom. We would run wild on the streets which may have been unsafe but we were always in groups so it was great fun. I'm pretty sure my mum still doesn't know that we actually used to go to a couple of neighbours homes a few streets away to play holi. And these were never just dry gulal kind of celebrations but loads of water, tough colors and of course eggs.

Another reason why holi is special to me is that I met P on the day of Holi about seven years back. I can still see him standing on the first floor opposite my friend's house and looking down at all of us drenched in colors and water. He also claims that he remembers the day and infact exactly the way I looked then, looking up, squinting in the sun with one hand shading my eyes, wearing a white kurta. The funny part is that I never wore a white kurta on Holi. How could I when I was well aware of the kind of holi we played? It was always a some shabby pants with a t- shirt that I anyway wanted to throw away. He has some bollywood image of me. It's kind of sweet I think. I should have just let him believe that, its more romantic than my version . So till we got married, it was this festival that let us celebrate something together in front of so many people who were completely unaware of our relationship. P would fill up a bucket of water and throw it on somebody else but most of it would somehow land up on me and other silly teasing games went on . Those were the days.
After we got married, the holi tradition was followed religiously, not in the lanes any more but on our own terrace with a few cousins & friends. This time with T being so young, we didn't want to do anything at home but couldn't resist a friend's invitation. So we went to this fancy farm party which we thoroughly enjoyed. They had a rain dance kind of a floor which was great, dancing in the rain gives me such a high even better than the bhang. I felt guilty about all that wasted water but what the heck it was just one day. It was a pitty we had to get back home early as T was home. I can picture T in a tub full of colored water next year.

What is sad is that most people treat most festivals as just holidays or some mandatory customs forced down by their families. I believe in celebrating these days. We anyway don't rationalize and discard most beliefs that our parents had and have a very different idea of religion and spirituality than them. So the least I want to do is celebrate such fun festivals with my kids and give them some traditions and roots to call their own.

T Tees Off..

I was woken up in morning by T calling out 'Maah' 'Maah'... I just put my arm out on the bed to look for him but he wasn't there. My next instinct was to check the cot but he wasn't there either. I panicked and got up rubbing sleep out of my eyes and finally spotted him standing on the floor right next to the bed and smiling at me. I was so shocked that it took me a moment to realize what had happened. P had woken up and gone to the loo. T had gotten up soon after and decided to follow . He got off the bed ON HIS OWN. Can you believe that? Are they really supposed to grow up this fast? He actually has figured out how to get off the bed, he crawls to the edge, inches a little further and looks like he's in for a fall but then smartly turns around with his back to the edge and smoothly glides off. How will I ever control him now? I don't think I'm ready for this. It's coming too soon, all the mobility, the willfulness and God knows what more is in store now...

T saw the sun

Yesterday while driving back from work, I pointed out an airplane to T. As usual he was following the path of the plane when he suddenly spotted this big, bright orange ball in the sky. He was spell bound. He just kept staring at it and then back at me. His face was bright with surprise and the thrill of a new discovery. I was so grateful in that moment for this baby who came into my life to make every mundane thing seem special..

Update on T

Because of all the whining, I have not written anything about T for a long time. He is going to be 11 months soon. I can't believe that he's actually going to be an year old so soon. He is a very sensitive baby. If any one raises their voice even a little, he shuts his eyes and looks really disturbed though he himself can scream louder than all of us put together in a fit of excitement.
He loves water now and the time spent in his tiny bucket after a bath is the best part of the day. He definitely takes on my love for water. I have to teach him to swim soon, though taking such a young thing to a public pool might not be a good idea. P & I have been thinking of getting one of those inflatable things to put on our terrace provided we can get enough water (Delhi is going to be short of power & water again this summer.. phew).

Thats him in the bucket...



And the anti-jinx courtesy BEV



He of course is crawling all over the house and even cruising now, just a matter of time before he runs away leaving poor mommy behind. Anyway the only time he cuddles with me anymore is only when he's sleepy. I keep begging for kisses at other times but he's too busy with his games. Imagine already.. he's not even one yet.

What has really changed in the last month are his eating habits. He used to eat pretty well. He would gobble up whatever was offered and in decent quantities. Suddenly, he has become picky and he just doesn't stay in one place long enough to get through a meal, not even on his high chair, he gets restless and struggles to get out of it. He used to be a chubby baby, though he still weighs more than average but he has lost those cheeks. This just makes me guilty at times, maybe I am not able to feed him the right things or maybe what he eats is not enough. He is an active baby, i don't know what to do with all this energy he has, so I doubt if those chubby cheeks will ever come back.
I should go back to playing peek - a -boo now otherwise he'll jump of the chair that the maid's holding him on or the chair will topple over .

Am I a whiner?

I don't really want to hear a yes to this but lately I have been feeling like one. You know how some people go about life thinking one day when this happens I'll be happy or the day that happens I'll be happy. I absolutely don't want to be one of those, I want to enjoy life with its imperfections. Though i find myself perpetually wishing for something to happen so I can feel better. I constantly feel that knot tightening in my head and wishing for something to go right that would make us happy.
I find myself getting bitter, especially with P. I nag.. a lot. And worst of all, I loose my patience with T. Instead of handling him patiently, I get angry and I force him to do something which obviously makes him cry. I feel miserable after that. I know this is going nowhere. What if it takes a lifetime for things to turn right or what if they never do? I don't want to turn my life into hell and along with that T's too. I pray for strength to tide over all this.

Blame it on MTNL

I haven't been able to blog for a few days now though I was itching too.. must have written a dozen posts in my head but the damn MTNL people have cut the broadband connection. When P went asking for an explanation, they said it should have been cut in Jan as we had put a disconnection request.. weird!!! So nothing has been done about it and we might have to go through a completely new application process all over again. Can you believe that? All those who think the Airtels of the world are any better are so wrong. We faced a worse crisis with them last year and then switched to trusty MTNL after paying many inflated bills for STD calls to places we'd never heard of. So basically no Internet access and I've missed many a juicy posts.. :(
The weekend was crazy. Haven't slept well in two nights. We attended the Bean's birthday party and had a great time.. met some interesting people.. Its funny that when you are at someones house and obviously you all are that someones friends/guests and still you smile at someone and they don't smile back.. isn't that really rude? Anyway, most people were congenial enough and we had fun. The cake was delicious and for all you MM fans, she looked amazing in a saree..
I wore a fairly hugging top after ages and was awfully conscious of the protruding belly but P was very happy that i was wearing something other than loose kurtis..
So after the birthday party we dropped T to nani's and went out for dinner and landed at this awesome place called @live in CP.. great music and ambiance. The food though left a lot to be desired but the live band singing songs from The Doors almost made up for it. The food at Cuba, also run by the same people is definitely better . Sunday was some cardio at the mall (for the body and the wallet... :) ) followed by another late night with awesome pink champagne at a friend's place.

P just called me at work and told me to leave him if he ever speaks to this friend of his again. Coming from P, this is a huge step. He just doesn't say these things like I do without meaning them. He is really extremely upset & hurt. I'm just hoping he won't forget all this hurt tomorrow after sleeping over it. This guy has been taking P for granted for ever. Whenever I confronted him he would admit to his wrong ways, be good for a few days and then the same again.
I was really through with him but P somehow went on. Now he's really had it. P & him were discussing a business venture some days ago. P was really looking forward to it in spite of my warnings. So P calls him to today to find out whats up on that front and he tells him that he's gone ahead and done all that was needed completely excluding P out of the whole thing. WHAT A JERK????///
P is really upset. It's that point in his life when suddenly the career comes to a standstill and you can't see any way out of it. This is a very trying time for us. We have always been hopeful about something great coming along sometime in life. We came so close to it several times but just didn't happen. But suddenly it feels like life is slipping away. We might have to re think and start all over again.
P doesn't have a great education and he's always regretted that. He is smart but never got the right guidance at home to push him towards a good education. Maybe its time to fill that gap but not sure if we can do that at this point in our lives.
I'm just so upset and clueless about the whole thing but I know I have to be strong for P's sake. Pray for us please..

T's first dress up day...

A friend of P's invited us for her daughter's second birthday party. I was not too keen on going considering it was in one corner of Noida and it was a costume party. I was of the opinion that T is too young to understand whats happening around him and he is too tiny to carry off a costume. I couldn't have been more wrong.

We eventually went for it . For the costume, we decided to take advantage of T's glorious curls and dressed him up as a Greek/Roman emperor. We made him a tiara with white orchid stems and wrapped a white dupatta over his romper. The dupatta didn't last for more than a minute so it was just T in a white romper and a tiara. And guess what he actually won the second prize for best dressed baby. Silly mama is so proud .. he won something in his first competition. The little party animal that he is.. he had a blast and I've decided to not miss a single birthday party ever.

There's my little Greek god...

I should be ready for lots of "mommy.. i won't be home before midnight..."