Long .. Completely Random Rant...

And I thought the blog maybe gone by now due to disuse but glad it hasn't. You know how something happens in the day and you think this would make an interesting post and string a few sentences or a title in your head and then blog about it as soon as you can so you can share it with the world or in my case more like get it out of your system and vent out the steam.
Well I haven't even had the time to sit back and notice whats happening in or around my world and that is why i have been away for soooo long. I wonder if someone still comes back looking for a new post or if i'm still on someone's feed?? Anyway... so of course a lot is going on. Its like I've jumped in a crazy torrent of water and its just carrying me away at an insane momentum and i'm just going along at this unbelievable pace, almost like sleep walking through it in a daze.
Basically I have bitten off more than i can chew and just testing my limits to how far I can go on like this. But honestly, I think I desperately need better .. much better time management skills..

About T, oh I wish I would have written about him regularly.. both to tell you how he's suddenly so much older in the last few months and to get lots of tips on handling these terrible terrible twos.. We celebrated his 2nd birthday about a month ago with a lovely (even though a little overcrowded and chaotic) party at home. He talks all grownup now and tries to string sentences in English , a change from mostly Hindi conversations we used to have with him. And hes learnt Nepali songs from the help and plenty of Bollywood too. His favourite thing at home is to dance in the little lobby at the centre of the house and sing improvised, mixed and then re-mixed songs and rhymes and bhajans.. He can be at this for hours. He is also more obsessed with airplanes and his little musical instruments than ever.
Other than that its just struggle to feed, to behave, to not throw things,etc ,etc.. which i'm hoping will go away sometime. I keep telling myself that its just a phase and because I see glimpses of my gentle sunny boy underneath all the horror... fingers crossed...
We are thinking about play schools but not very seriously yet, maybe by the end if the year..

Life is cluttered and scattered. I spend one week in every five weeks on campus for the management programme. The week spent there is so far away from real life back home that it seems imaginary or like a parallel life. There's a lot of studying.. long days full of lectures, followed by late evening assignment sessions and then some late night walks on campus and finally cups of green tea and conversation early into the morning. Then comes friday and the ritual student type partying with binge eating and drinking. The early morning flight back home on saturday is too short to cover the distance between the world that I leave behind and my reality that I'm so eager to embrace. To count a few blessings of the plenty that I have been bestowed with, my reality at home.. T and my pillar of strength P.. is so warm that it takes me a minute to forget all that I leave behind when I come home, and the parallel campus life.. I have found friends that I know are mine for life. They make it so much easier to handle my longing for home.
Work is going well. I am finally getting really interested and involved the way I wanted to. I think I'm getting obsessed with it. My thoughts have evolved a lot after some exposure to the management programme. The best part is that I can instantly recognize a mistake when I make one and that is such great learning. I finally have a clear vision atleast in terms of the current business.
The dream of building something of my own also seems real now, though I still dont know what its going to be or when its going to be. But whatever it is, its just a means to an end. And the end I'm very clear about. Though this post is anything but clear :)
I like to think of this cluttered, super fast phase of my life as a crazy rain storm. Once it ends, everything will fall in place and be all new and shiny and green. Its just really hard to explain to people around me and unreasonable to expect them to join me at the pace I'm going. So it gets lonely. Why some people have grown distant I understand but for some I don't. Just hoping that this will also fall in place when the storm blows over.. fingers crossed.. again .. :)

P.S: I am not reading the post for fear of deleting it instead of editing.. so bear with me..

Bleddyy men...

Its not about husband ji .. I work in an extremely male-dominated area. I over came employee trouble with a woman boss with relative ease but of course took some time. It wasn't hard because I expected it. The employees come from low to lower middle income group, some graduates and some not even that. I knew it was hard for people with such limited exposure to accept a female boss.
We are basically dealers for a certain product. And there is a small but extremely competitive dealer community for this particular brand in Delhi. I had never interacted with any of these people in about 2 years of working with my father. Papa attended all the meetings and dealer meets and if he couldn't, no one would. I was very aware of the fact that he didn't want me to go out there and meet these people, but I knew this could not go on forever.
Finally an opportunity came when all the dealers were supposed to give an important presentation about their business to some important people from the parent company and papa could not make it due to some personal commitments, he informed them that I would prepare the requisite stuff and send it across so someone else can present it on our behalf (actually an uncle of mine who's also one of the dealers).

I worked very hard on the whole thing and once it was done, I couldn't bring myself to let anyone else present it. It was my hard work and about my business. So I somehow gathered courage (thanks for husband ji's constant pumping) and convinced papa that I had to do this myself.

So I went, and most people had a fair idea who I was, but bloody businessmen choose to ignore me. I met who I knew and sat quietly through most of the day. There was a Jap consultant from the parent company's side who was screwing everyone with questions and remarks about their business, none of which were polite. I was terrified. I went with shaking hands to finally present my thing to 20 men. It went well. The Jap send "Thank you" in the end and that was that. I went back to my seat and sat.

This was my first time there and so was my cousin's (the uncle's son). Everyone congratulated him for doing so well and welcomed him to the family. No of the dealers uttered one word to me or even acknowledge my presence.

I have faced such behaviour in my corporate career too and there also it took a lot to stand out and fit in. But it was somehow much worse here.

I couldn't resist so I went upto the Jap in the end to ask why he did not comment on my work. Can you believe his answer "oh.. you female...how can I?".. I was just stunned beyond words.

Here I slog and have managed to achieve the highest growth rate amongst all the dealers in our city and they don't let me participate on equal terms 'cos I am a female....

I was extreme hurt and decided to not stick to this line of business for long. But then why would I let a bunch of idiots scare me away. Let them not accept me now. They all know we are doing better than them. They will have to look my way sooner or later. I have done better than I expected or anyone expected in 2 years.. most of them spent in pregnancy and baby and home.. So nothing can stop me from reaching greater heights in the coming years. These people don't matter.

The good thing is that I formed a good rapport with the company people who matter and one of them even called papa to tell how well I had done at the meeting. I have papa's work ethics and rich experience to guide me. I have nothing to worry about..

I know this was more of an "affirmation exercise" than an interesting post.. But I am an insecure person and this helps ... :)

And a Tag..

Can you believe this... barely a month since I'm back to studying and I'm already loking for ways to escape it :) .. And that is why I picked up this tag from facebook.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.


(1) I love writing things down and planning. I am a list person. So this list is going to be fun J
(2) I love to travel. Budget holidays or luxury holidays (but back-packing is not my thing).
(3) I love eating. I am very adventurous with food and love trying new cuisines.
(4) I am a reader. I can’t sleep without reading. Even at the busiest time in my life I manage to read something. I never ever travel without a book even if it’s just a day trip.
(5) I don’t like facial hair on men
(6) I can never travel light. I am prepared to be stranded in the middle of the now where and survive for a few days or attend the Oscars incase George Clooney suddenly invites me. It runs in my genes. (see that’s y I can’t back pack)
(7) I never plan my life beyond one year. But the current year is normally well planned.
(8) I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and everything finally falls in place. It always does for me.
(9) I am a hard worker.
(10) I always brush my teeth with my eyes shut until I realize what I’m doing and open them J
(11) I am a lot of fun after 2 drinks
(12) I love early mornings.
(13) I love walking.( I know I live in the wrong city)
(14) I give equal credit to my husband as to my parents to making me what I am
(15) I love bitter, dark chocolates, especially with mint.
(16) Music can move me to tears. Some bits with saxophone in Jazz, Spring in Vivaldi 4 seasons.(can’t believe Vivaldi is a spelling error in ms word)
(17) I am obsessive about not wasting time. I multi-task a lot.
(18) My secret ambition is to have flat toned abs and a diamond on my navel ;)
(19) I don’t know who I love more.. my baby, my sister or my husband
(20) I am doer. If something has to be done, it has to be done now, even if it’s the middle of the night.
(21) I am a good house keeper but a useless cook
(22) I never say never anymore (have learnt it the hard way)
(23) My favorite quote is “Give me a place to stand and I’ll fly everywhere”. Don’t know who it’s by, read it on one of those cheesy posters displayed on CP patris. It had a little bird standing on the edge of a tree branch.
(24) I can’t stand a mess.
(25) I strongly believe in following my instincts.

I don't know 25 people to tag so please feel free to tell me more about yourself.

To my dear little sister...

I should have just written an e-mail to you but this is better.
I just saw your film and that funny feeling came creeping back. I had tears in my eyes and my heart swollen with something I can not describe. I was overwhelmed as always at your creativity, your sensitivity and your ability to express it all so well. I can see so much of the real you in your work.
I don't know if its motherly pride I feel or do all siblings feel this way at the other's success. I have a very good feeling about this film . I 'm so incredibly happy for you!!!

Phuket... lovely Phuket...

This trip was supposed to spell closure in a way. We went here for a honeymoon almost 5 years ago and had never really thought we would go back.. Not because we didn't like it.. we had fun and it was an awesome place but somehow didn't seem like a place we would visit again when there are a million beach destinations to be done..

The years saw us craving it like chocolate ... we planned innumerable trips.. sometimes just us .. sometimes with friends... but it never worked out.. Finances became a problem.. then time and then came T (making both finances and time critical).

And then P surprised me with air tickets to phuket on my birthday.. we still weren't sure till the last day if we would make it . Murphy's law was completely at work and we kept dodging it with all our might... It turned out my parents were going out of town on the exact same dates and would not be able to keep T. So we changed the dates to suit them. Then T's favourite maid left. We found a good replacement but we knew T would not be as comfortable. And I really do feel guilty about it because the way we left was extremely un-parent like.. atleast not the kind of parenting we believe it but somewhere deep inside we both knew that we had to take this trip for us.. for just me and P.. and of course for the greater good of T.. He wouldn't want his parents to separate.. would he?? okay maybe that was exaggerated but really we just had to do this trip by ourselves...

And then we finally left for the airport, throwing caution to the winds.. The boarding began after the usual routine.. as soon as we were on the plane, we were told that fog was enveloping the airport and visibility was low, so dinner would be served till it got better and then we would be off.. Of course that never happens... so we had a nice thai dinner on the plane.. the strong lemon grass from the rice..enticing us with promises of a week of thai food ahead. Then we were promptly shown the door and packed off to a hotel to spend the night and await the morning flight. I tried to convince P that this was a sign and we should call it off to return to our little T's arms. P of course had more sense and decided to carry on.

We finally got to phuket 12 hrs later than planned. The flight inspite of everything was great fun. It was amazing to just be able to talk to P without the million interruptions that T brought.. pleasant ones for sure but interruptions nonetheless.


The next day saw us heading to our favourite haunts.. the Patong beach to buy some beach wear and then Karon. You have to see where we stayed. This place is a tropical paradise, we loved it the first time and were completed floored this time.. We rented an open jeep for our stay and drove around all of Phuket, the quiet
beaches, the really noisy ones, the old town and the party places.




I distinctly remember hating the smell of beer that last time but this time I couldn't resist it. We behaved liked crazy drunks and started drinking bear at noon. Actually it was more me than husband ji :)

I vaguely recall saying things like.. "Beer has to be the best thing in the afternoon" and got a nice whack on my back from husband ji. To the husband's polite enquiry of ordering a coke with an evening snack.. my reply was.." coke? why?? aren't we still in Phuket".

The mornings were spent lazing at the beach.. eating.. drinking.. swimming.. and reading. You won't believe how much reading I got done in 6 days.. it was fantastic.. the husband not being a great reading fan indulged in water sports and let me be :)




The evenings meant long drives around spirally roads running parallel to the ocean.. The sunsets on that island are stuff dreams are made of. The sun really just melted into the sea and the sky turns hues of reds and blues that I haven't seen anywhere. Then came dinner.. sometimes a fancy restaurant over looking the sea with pitchers of Margaretas.. and some on shacks along the beach.. feet dipped in white sand.. under trees blowing in the soft breeze. We are nuts about Thai food and the street food here is the best. We gorged on grilled fish stuffed with lemon grass, prawns with basil, pineapple rice, green and red curries and my favourites phad thai and larb koi.. We stuffed ourselves like pigs and then spent the rest of the evenings at bars chatting up other tourists and more drinking.





If you have been to Thailand you would have heard of the famous lady-boys. If not, the name should give you a fair idea. A street cutting right across the famous patong beach is their hangout. I got the cultural shock of my life the first time I entered this street 4 years ago. This time.. well.. to be honest it still got to me but not enough to stop me from having a good time. The street is lined by pubs and bars on both sides. Lady-boys dancing on table tops... on poles.. on whatever surface they could. Tourists thronging the streets and the pubs.. crazy loud music.. and a lot of foreign men.. all shapes and sizes and ages walking hand in hand ( and sometimes something more) with local girls or lady-boys, basically escorts. This is the part that gets to you at times and so do the numerous people going around with pictures, trying to get you to their night club to watch awful, sadistic (erotic to some) acts. Anyway... the night life here is an experience. It's like the sin city.



On a happier note, we bonded plenty over all this fun and went for wonderfully relaxing spa treatments. The hotel spa was gorgeous with an outdoors plunge pool overlooking the sea. I've seen some really fancy Indian spas in Delhi and even Goa and boy do they have a long long way to go.

The hotel pool was another favourite hangout since both of us love the water. Another favourite activity were midnight strolls on the beach under the sparkling moon. The final late night or rather early morning haunt was the 24 hour ice-cream place, so it was minty chocolate chip and mocha ice creams in big waffle cones.. It's a miracle we didn't put on any weight.

One funny thing is that even the shortest clothes you possess seem long there and everyday sees you shedding some more (swear it wasn't just me.. it was all around me :) .. ) . And one really sad thing to note was that the Thai people (atleast the ones we came in contact with ) were not as friendly as the last time, infact some were really rude like this young lady (not sure if I can call her a lady) who owns the silver jewellery shop at patong right where you enter Soi Bangla (the party street), was so rude and abusive. Do not go to that store if you happen to be in the area. Maybe this had something to do with being the high season and too much business but it was disappointing.
PS: And like the last time I wore a bikini, in spite of the added tyres :)

Mamma Big Bolo...

..was meant for me when I was softly humming a song while dressing T up.. he meant mamma sing louder..

Now that T is talking more than all of us put together, gems like these keep rolling out that little talkative mouth of his...



On tripping over a rug and falling .. "oh ram ji.. kiripa karo ji".. followed by a long sigh..obviously imitating his nani..



Our baby language is being corrected these days with .. "mamma khab nahi bolte.. kharab bolte hai"..

"papa ticks nahi bolte.. esticks bolte hai"



A typical saturday at home, me in track pants and shabbily tied hair. T comes up to me .. points to a nice picture of me on the laptop and says.. "mamma smarty bano..." with a tug at my bun ...

Pheww... dressing up for the father was one thing.. now this little one can't stand tied hair on me either...

It's so cold here...

I thought we had thawed ourselves in Phuket for good.. but I guess not.. it will take more than a perfect holiday to do that..

This is a distress call...

I have never enjoyed a holiday more or felt more guilt for it. We got back a week ago and life has been in a turmoil. The maid trouble has finally been sorted out but T is just not himself. We left a darling little T at nani home and he's transformed into something I don't recognize at all. I should never have left him and gone off. But the holiday did us a lot of good. Touch-wood!!

Anyway, so T is a changed person. He bites and scratches people when he doesn't get what he wants. He cries at the smallest of things. And worst of all he just doesn't eat. It's like I've completely lost all that I achieved with my hard-work of 20 months in 6 days. The behavioural aspect I'm hoping will sort itself out in a while but the eating part I'm most worried about.

He used to eat everything that I put on his plate, all green vegetables, lentils, everything. For the last week, I haven't been able to put more than 3 spoons of anything in his mouth and he hasn't stayed in the high chair for more than 5 mins.

I can't stop blaming myself for letting him being fed my the maid so often (this is the one who left), but you know how kids eat better with everyone other than their mums and dads.

I'm clueless. I've exhausted all the tricks I know. He's a little unwell too. All the mommies out there... Please Help...

So I'm on a roll today...

I can't stop writing :)..

But this is just to point to an update on T which I have not been able to put down due to a major paucity of time. But NC helpfully wrote about T and her trip here and here.. so read on if you wish...

New Year update...

Okay so I started blogging last year with a list of new year resolutions for 2008 and lets see how I've fared before moving to the next set...

I will blog - I started and gave up too many times for various reasons but now i have been convinced by my sister that this is the ultimate means for nirvana and I believe her.. so here I go.

Okay.. Well I did keep this up, definitely not as much as I would have liked to but I'm happy that I haven't completely given it up and this space comes to my rescue at times when I have no one else. That's what this was meant to be. I would have liked it to be a record of T's life like most mommy blogs are but it never turned into that. It has been kind of a journal for me to vent out and I'm glad its there.

I will be me - I haven't been myself in a long time or maybe ever.. I've always been sort of this other person, bending backwards for people I don't even like. This needs to change. In fact that gets me to the next point ...I need to shed the unnecessary baggage of people I don't like or get along with and instead spend my time & energy on people who would really mean something to me and I to them.

This has also been taken forward to quite some extent. I have left behind some "extra baggage" .. some cut off completely.. some emotionally.. and I feel lighter. I have to keep working on this though, such habits are hard to break. I still am a little dysfunctional in relationships because of the past and have to really force myself to be what I really am and not just try to fit in.

Now coming to more personal things.. I really want to work on my relationship with P. His work and the baby have been hard on our relationship. Things are better now but I want to give him more.. time.. respect.. happiness..

Okay with P, it's much better than it was this time last year but still a work in progress. That's how a marriage has to be right...

I wont say I want to be a better mom, that is the one thing I am committed to 100% and don't know how to do it any better.

Well.. here I want to change somethings now. I want to make more time for T.

Another very important thing that makes me very guilty is my inability to give more time and commitment to work. This is something I can change by better time management and I will.

This has changed a lot since last year. I work many more hours than what I did earlier and have much more responsibility now. So this seems to have been covered successfully.

Of course, the usual the suspect of loose more weight is also up in the list..

Does losing inches count?? I have lost quite a few inches and can wear most of my old clothes and I 'm not too unhappy with the way I look now. But enough weight hasn't been knocked off yet.. so we carry this forward to next year...

And that is that again.. Will continue with the new list for 2009 soon..

For now we're off to the sunny beaches of Phuket.. for a honey moon repeat :)

Domestic woes...

It might seem bizarre to start the year with a post on domestic help but if you agree with me on the topic you will realize how appropriate it is. Obviously a lot has happened since I last wrote, NC’s action packed visit, I turned 27 on the 27Th of last month and we all stepped into a new year.. but all that later.

First you need to know about a big disruption in my otherwise peaceful domestic life. My maids left. One of them was supposed to leave and I can’t say I was sorry about that but the other.. let’s say my woman Friday just left. Without any notice. She took a day off to celebrate Christmas and never came back. I found out later from my 1 year something old baby that..” didi shadi hoga..”… (Didi will get married).. so I was elated to find out that she had the decency to inform her ward … well… not really.

I admit I am completely dependent on my domestic help. Otherwise my life comes to a standstill. I have to have a perfectly clean house, washed clothes, no dirty dishes in the sink and home cooked food for every meal. I would make sure me and my family would have this even if it meant toiling through the night. I would fret and complain but I would get it done. But after the baby, domestic help does not only ensure having all of that done but is the only way that I can get to work every day.

So now when a maid leaves, I panic, I get a nervous attack because it could mean skipping work for a long time, once even a whole month, till appropriate help is found and trained and baby T gets adjusted to.

What prompted this post was not that I was deserted by my precious helpers a week or so ago but how P just doesn’t get it. His reaction at my panic attack was incredible. He thought I had lost it.. which I had but I believe I had a very valid reason to that.

Since that day he has been trying to tell me that I panic needlessly, since we found help soon after. What he doesn’t realize is that we were just plain lucky this time and we’ve seen much worse. He thinks I’m a freak to react the way I do.

In fact we got home after a long tiring day today and he realized that the water pump had been left on much longer than needed. Wastage of any sort and the prospect of paying huge electricity bills really pisses P off and he completely blew his top off at this.. almost screaming at the girls. I kept shushing him but to no avail. I really had another panic attack thinking they’d just get up any minute and walk off.. And again at seeing my face loose colour he told me to get a grip on myself. It astonishes and saddens me that he just doesn’t understand my situation.

I want to do a lot in life. That’s the person I am. I want to productively work and earn my living. I need to socialize. I need to read. I need to take care of my baby in the way I deem fit. I know people abroad bring up babies without help and there’s nothing wrong with that. But living where I live and knowing that I don’t have to be away from my baby even when I work and also that I don’t have to give up work to be with my baby, why should I not want it all. It’s not easy I know, but this is the only way it works for me. And to do it all I need good help. I don’t believe in letting the help bring up my baby for me as a lot of people do (not sure if they realize it though) but I do need another person to help me bring him up and work full time. I know I’m extremely lucky to have a family business and a set-up where I can take T with me to work everyday. But I want someone to watch him around the office, play with him and keep him occupied when I’m busy. To feed him lunch if I’m stuck in a meeting. It’s great to know that he’s just in the next room. I could have never dealt with the guilt that comes with leaving your baby home to go to work. I know every working mother feels it and it’s terrible. I quit my job to join this business precisely for this reason. And now I have enrolled myself for post graduate programme in business management for this year. It will be mostly distance learning but I will have to travel to another city once in a while for a number of days. So having good help at home and for the baby is the only way I can accomplish this new target.

I know I will have a million balls up in the air and its going to need a lot of courage to handle all this but I’m ready. But I also know even if no else does that I can not do it without good helpers. So here’s hoping that the new year brings me better luck with my household help and also to everyone else who’s as dependent on them as I am.