T's response to being asked "nosey kaha hai?" (where is your nose?)

Sins I committed...

Mozzarella the day before...
Lado yesterday and a guilty gulab jamun :(
A rasogulla today..
(and can't stop dreaming about a Hot Chocolate Fudge)

I will never be thin again... :(

After a series of low days and some extremely low days, I feel better today.. Hope and optimism have woken up from the deep slumber that they had settled into for a while. Nothing specific happened to change anything but then nothing specific had happened to make me feel low either.
I guess the disastrous picnic of 26th had set off my mood and then my general negativity had taken over. I had drowned myself when I had the liberty and time, to delve on life's choices and where they've brought me. Everything seemed wrong and there seemed no way to make it better. The clouds have parted now fortunately and all's right with the world again. I realize that what is keeping me away from the life I want is only ME. I am the one stopping myself from being what I want and doing what I want. No I did not read a self help book but just used my head after a long time. Just hope I can remember this when I need to.

I think I need a list. During my student days and even my corporate job days, I always had a very specific list of goals for the year down to how much money I need to make and what new things to learn or new places to visit. Since I started working with my father, the career goals have been vague. And since T's birth, the goals have been about T sitting up by 6th month, crawling by 8th. I think coming up with a specific list will give my life some structure and a target to work towards. And I can just look at the list on gloomy days and hopefully tick somethings on it and feel better.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

We watched an extremely interesting rendition by director Tim Supple of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's dream at Kamani Auditorium last evening. We had to struggle quite a bit for the tickets and ended up buying the most expensive ones, though surprisingly the theatre wasn't even close to being completely full. Anyway, it was an amazing production and totally worth spending our time and money on. The thing that really stood out and made an impact was the use of various languages (English, Hindi, Tamil, Marathi, Bengali, Sinhalese, Malayalam and Sanskrit). This meant that no one really understood all of the dialogues as different characters spoke different languages and yet everyone seemed to understand and enjoy the whole. In fact, it was interesting to hear different parts of the audience react to different parts of the play.

The acting, the expressions, the body language, the modulation of voice and of course the acrobatics were enough to play out such complex situations.
Before I saw the play I was wondering if it would be possible to create the magic of the fairies and the enchanted forest on a stage unless expensive technology and costumes were used Broadway style. I couldn't have been more wrong. Magic was created on stage with sheer muscle power without much use of technology. A simple grid of bars about three floors high and stage wide was all they used and a couple of ropes hanging from the top. The rest was left to the actors and their acrobatic skills. They left us completely spell bound.

The symbolism used in certain scenes, like a complicated maze of thread running all across the stage, around the arguing actors was extremely effective. On the whole it was a great experience and I hope we in Delhi get to see more of such excellent theatre sans the struggle for tickets.

A first for me...

I fired someone for the first time today. It was a horrid feeling. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be an entrepreneur :(

The cosy job at IBM was much easier. The closest I ever came to affecting someones carrier was just a performance feedback but taking away a job seems terrible.
Although this girl really had it coming. I had been warning her for the last 2 months to no effect. So I guess I shouldn't really feel so miserable about it.

The list..

Hmm... inspired by MM, heres my list..

George Clooney

Shiney Ahuja

Abhishek Bachchan

Milind Soman

Richard Gere

will get P's list soon :)

A picnic and a new milestone

T and I were really happy today to have P around after a long time. He had been busy with work the last 10 days or so. So we decided to pack lunch (Sunday special rajma-chawal) and visit the Lodhi gardens. The day was bright and sunny and we had a great time soaking in the green surroundings, the sun and the cool breeze. T enjoyed crawling on the grass and eating some of it too.. He noticed the birds and squirrels, he was quite fascinated with the rustling of leaves in the trees above.

And the best part came towards the evening, T called me 'maah'. It was such a beautiful sound and it took me a little while to realize that he was actually calling out to me. It was such an exhilarating feeling. I think I really felt like a mum today after he christened me. 'maah'.. and when angry or irritated a more emphatic 'maaaaaah'..

I'm always filled with wonder when he understands something new like when he points to the sky as soon as he hears a bird or an aeroplane. And lately it seems like he's understanding and expressing much more than he did earlier. But that means he's growing up really fast and I haven't yet got my fill of this stage in his life.

Here's a picture of T reaching into the picnic basket..

A very angry evening...

Last evening should have been a very happy and proud one for me but it wasn't. P had a big event and it was tough to pull it off due to some limitations at the venue. I went there at 7pm, well before the start of the do at 9 pm. P just wanted be to be there then to witness the energy at the place when everyone was rushing to get things done.
P's events are a big deal for me. It's very hard work right from pitching to execution so I normally make a point to be there even if it means going to a different city. So my being there last night was important for both of us. However, as soon as I got there tempers began to soar. P had landed this business through a friend of his; let’s call him L, who was hence his partner in the event.
When I entered, first L ignored me completely. I don't know what it is about this class of Indian men, let alone chivalry they don’t even extend basic courtesy to women.. well not even to their wives. I just went and sat in a corner to watch P in action. Sounds silly but I love watching him at his work.. speaking to a million people, the wireless headphones on.. rushing everywhere, all that hard work and energy just before all the pieces fall together to complete a perfect event. I watched the rehearsals, music, skinny girls cat-walking the ramp (forcing me to look down at my tummy and feel awful :( ). Anyway, soon I notice that L is screaming at everyone P being a specially chosen target. Now I wasn't close enough to hear anything but I could guess from their body language. It seemed like L was being the bully. I waited for a while and tried to get P's attention and then P came close to where I was but he called me on the phone instead of coming up to me. This confirmed all my fears. Mr L had a problem with me being there.

This might sound strange but we have faced his problem many a time. I wonder why these guys act the way they do. Do they think that I will distract P from his work?? Hell no... P is a thorough professional and we are not teenagers. If this is how much they trust P, why involve him in such big projects? And they know his work experience.. he's really good at what he does. I'm not just praising him because he's my husband, I am very critical about his work but he is really good. And his wife being there is for emotional support at a big moment, not to distract him. That is not really the time & place where we would like to sit in a corner and express our undying love for each other. So where is the problem?

Last year, P was working with another guy quite often on a similar arrangement as with L. This person also had a major issue with me being present everywhere by P's side. Be it events or parties. This is how we are, we love being around each other and we don't see any harm in it other than invoking the wrath of these strange men in some impossible way. The only reason I can somehow see is that these men are never with their wives. They are socialising every night mostly for the sake of business networking and their wives are home bringing up their kids. They drink too much.. party too much and unfortunately are unfaithful to their wives.

All this forces me and P to think if our relationship acts as a deterrent in his work (actually we some times think that when we are we friends too.. but that's another story)? Does he also need to leave his family very often and socialise with all sorts of corrupt people and lure them into giving him business? Does he also have to act like a pimp to get business?
(excuse the unpleasant word but it really does come to that)
So basically an honest, family man is a total misfit in the profession that P is in, but it's just that he loves this work.

Finally after the phone call with P, I walked out before the event began, angrier than I had ever been with the injustice lent out to P. I prayed that L's ego fall flat on his face and that the event goes well despite everything.
P finally got home at 4 am. The event went extremely well and the client praised and hugged P in front of everyone on the stage. I hope L got a good lesson. It's strange how people change overnight.
L had always been quite amiable to us but lately since his business had got on better, I could faintly sense a change of attitude and last night proved it.

I can't wait for the day when P does not have to depend on such people for work. P is very patient with people so he never retorts to screaming back at them. It makes me so angry to see these people walk all over him. But when the day comes, these people will bite dust.

Rude Rude People

I am probably a very weak, door-mattish person and a lousy mother. That is why I often find myself in a situation where an acquaintance just grabs my baby away from me or whoever is holding him against my wishes and better judgment. This more often than not results in poor T howling to get away from the said person or like a few hours ago catching a cold.

This is how it goes. I went to drop some papers to my parents and was supposed to leave those at the gate with the guard but turns out this women who was visiting ( a friend of theirs who I'm not particularly fond of) rushed out to meet T who was almost asleep in the maid's lap in the car. Now I was in the driver's seat and couldn't do much so this women just opened the car door, grabbed T and took him out in the cold to "play" with him. Now my baby is a real person and extremely delicate at the age of 8 months. He is NOT A TOY for strangers to play with. He feels cold and he does not like random people holding him when he's half asleep.

Though the little gentleman that he is, he smiled at her but it was a sad helpless smile that only his mum can understand. And it was freezing outside with the cold breeze blowing and the woman, in her hurry to get hold of my baby, left his blanket behind.. and because of her and of course my foolishness, T has a runny nose. Someone tell these people that this goes down as very rude and hurtful behaviour.

Also to be added to the list of such behaviour is when over zealous people try to wake up a poor sleeping baby so they can "play" with him. How would they feel if someone woke them up in the middle of their sleep and tossed them in the air. I'm sure they'll not be giggling and gurgling with joy.

As for me, I think its time I stand up for my baby regardless of who I offend.

Blog if it makes you happy...

Someone recently said to me to "Blog if you makes you happy" . I have been blogging quite often for the last couple of days and I just realized that it really does make me happy.
I just gave out my URL to my sister who in a lot of ways is the inspiration behind my blog. I hope my blog remains as true to me as it has been despite the audience :)

A little Merlot goes a long way...

A nice Chilean Merlot and T going to bed early led to a surprisingly pleasant evening spent with P. After a long time, months maybe, we played a movie on the DVD and cuddled up on the cold winter evening... sipped wine in new Macy's glasses that I'd got from my trip to NY. No prizes for guessing where this all ended.. :)

Meeting Mommy Bloggers

I met a couple of mommy bloggers yesterday. I can't call myself much of a blogger yet but I am a mommy for sure. Considering I had been seeking some mommy-baby company for a long time, this was most welcome. It was nice to see these intelligent, qualified women enjoying motherhood to the hilt. I did feel a little left out at times since I'm not really the vivacious, talkative person that i wish i were but it was mostly fun. I really want to have these women as friends 'cos i think essentially we are quite similar. And I will try to not let myself be intimidated by smart people.. There's no harm trying right?

When all hell broke loose..

Coming back from a crazy day at work... Driving in Delhi traffic at the rush hour, which is every other hour but really this was terrible... baby T howling in his car seat.. struggling to get out.. and to top it all the maid getting sick and puking out the window.. phew..

Taare Zameen Par

No, this post is not a movie review. I have been hearing loads about the movie 'Taare Zameen Par' but I don't have the courage to watch it. The movie is supposed to be about a 'slow' kid who does well due to the love and efforts of an understanding teacher despite having an unsympathetic family.

I personally know a ten year old kid who faces a similar challenge and i also know that no sympathetic teacher has come to his help. The fact that this child is a close relation makes me guilty. I frequently ask myself if I can be that understanding person in this child's life. Do I have it in me to put a lot of things important to me at stake for helping this kid out? It is a huge commitment and with my already existing responsibilities ( work and a 8 month old baby), will I be able to cope up with this? Will we be able to sustain under the strain this would put on our time and finances?

I came to know this kid by marriage and my initial response for a lot of years was anger. I was angry with the way his parents dealt or rather not dealt with his situation. I was angry because no one did anything about it citing various unacceptable reasons. Can any reason be acceptable or big enough for anyone to not try to make their child's life better? Don't the parents fear for the child's future?

But soon enough I saw the futility of my anger. I realized the mother was not capable of thinking about anything and the father was too busy wallowing about how unjust life has been to him to notice anybody else.

I hurt every time I see P with the kid. I know his heart bleeds for the kid. And we all feel helpless. I always wonder if we. . P and I could do anything for the kid. The only solution would be to take him in our house for sometime.. maybe a long time. The question we again ask ourselves is if we are ready for such a responsibility? Would this mean less time and care for our own baby? But does not doing anything about the situation make us weak people, part criminals in ruining this kid's life?

An Ode To My Soul Mate

I don't do enough everyday to let you know what you mean to me. I fight and argue and because of my general negativity, I make things worse than they are. But you take all that from me and still love me as tenderly as you do. You are my pillar of strength. I am all that I am because of you and I hope you know that. I say things that hurt but then you are the only one who I speak my mind to. I want to give so much to you.. love, care, happiness.

I know how hard the whole work situation is for you but I want you to know that people have different priorities in life. Our definition of success is not an obscene amount of money, if that was it I know you could have done that by changing your priorities and loosing your principles. We, you and I feel the same way.. for us, family, love and happiness are more important than anything else. It would be nice to live in a bigger house in more opulence but I am very happy where we are and I would happily spend all my life here, just as we are as long as we lead a happy, fulfilling life. As long as we have time for us, for our baby and for doing the little things we enjoy doing together, what more do we want? Life is really not about wearing an Omega, is it? If it was then all the people we know who wear one would be happy, but they aren't. There is no end to all this, someone will always have more than us and someone less. What you and I will flaunt would be a perfect relationship that does not tarnish after years & years of marriage and a child who would grow up to be a good, successful person for all the time, love and care we will put into him.

New Year Resolutions

What could be a more appropriate start? So here is how I want to change my life this year...

I will blog - I started and gave up too many times for various reasons but now i have been convinced by my sister that this is the ultimate means for nirvana and I believe her.. so here I go.

I will be me - I haven't been myself in a long time or maybe ever.. I've always been sort of this other person, bending backwards for people I don't even like. This needs to change. In fact that gets me to the next point ...

I need to shed the unnecessary baggage of people I don't like or get along with and instead spend my time & energy on people who would really mean something to me and I to them.

Now coming to more personal things.. I really want to work on my relationship with P. His work and the baby have been hard on our relationship. Things are better now but I want to give him more.. time.. respect.. happiness..

I wont say I want to be a better mom, that is the one thing I am committed to 100% and don't know how to do it any better.

Another very important thing that makes me very guilty is my inability to give more time and commitment to work. This is something I can change by better time management and I will.

Of course, the usual the suspect of loose more weight is also up in the list..
So that's that. I hope that I don't delete this post and forget all these life altering resolutions...