Wanted to really utilize the weekend doing important things like cleaning & organising the house, sorting woolens, etc since P was away.. Did exactly what I hate him doing on a holiday.. sleep, read news papers & watch TV..
Spent an exorbitant amount of money on brocade blouses for sarees.. could have bought a new saree for that amount.. feeling stupid & guilty..
Met an old ex-best friend after ages.. realized how much I missed the comfort of being with an old friend.. but somehow fear slipping into old unhealthy patterns if I stay around her too much.. basically I was always envious of her extrovert, exuberant personality.. and this fuelled my general negativity. Somehow I fear she will over shadow me again if we got back in touch.. But this is a real test for the new me.. Actually I can't believe I still feel this way after all these years.. I'm a different person.. there's no need for comparison.. I have a great life with a few blotches here and there .. and I'm sure the same goes for her.. I should not worry too much about it and maybe try to start afresh ..
Realized T is a total show baby.. he fought off sleep for three hours to play with new people he met and put on all sorts of acts to keep them entertained..
Spending a day at mum's place as she isn't well and dad's out of town.. Spent some time watching TV and lazing around in my old room. Almost went back in time.. seemed like my sis would just walk into the room any minute and we'll watch friends and eat maggi.. Then T woke up :)
Sunday, February 24, 2008
My first Tag..
My first Tag came from Nat.. here we go..
A - Available?: yes.. for friendships with smart young women preferably with kids..
B-Best friend: well.. none..
C-Cake or Pie?: Cake.. Gooey chocolate cakes to be precise
Drink of choice: Wines.. Red & white..
E-Essential thing used everyday: Contact Lenses.. would be blind otherwise..
F-Favourite colour: Blue.. especially the color of the sky at dawn..
G-Gummi bears or worms: none.. sweets only mean chocolates..
H-Hometown: Delhi.. always been..
I-Indulgence: Books.. Wine.. Eating Out...
J-January or February: Feb - spring and so much activity in the city.. though haven't participated in anything this year.. blame it on T..
K-Kids and names: one son - T.. tara rum pum..
L-Life: Nothing to complain about .. but want more from it..
M-Marriage date: Oct 20th 2004
N-Number of siblings: 1- a sister who's far away from home..
O-Oranges or apples: Oranges
P-Phobias: Lizards and Earthquakes...
Q-Quote: "I am the only one stopping myself from being what I want"
R-Reason to smile: My baby discovering something new that I had always taken for granted, my sister's/husband's success, my father playing with my son..
S-Season: Spring because weather is mild and Autumn because delhi is so pleasant and festive.
T-Tag three people: Mad Momma, Nostalgic Chica, Bird's Eye View
U-Unknown fact about me: I want to do some more studying .. not sure when & how..
V-Vegetable you do not like: lotus stems.. ( bhey.. what a despicable name..)
W-Worst habit: Self depreciation.. I must be better than I think I am..
X-x-rays you have had: Chest
Y-Your favorite food: Thai curries and Biryani.. not together of course
Z-Zodiac: Capricorn
A - Available?: yes.. for friendships with smart young women preferably with kids..
B-Best friend: well.. none..
C-Cake or Pie?: Cake.. Gooey chocolate cakes to be precise
Drink of choice: Wines.. Red & white..
E-Essential thing used everyday: Contact Lenses.. would be blind otherwise..
F-Favourite colour: Blue.. especially the color of the sky at dawn..
G-Gummi bears or worms: none.. sweets only mean chocolates..
H-Hometown: Delhi.. always been..
I-Indulgence: Books.. Wine.. Eating Out...
J-January or February: Feb - spring and so much activity in the city.. though haven't participated in anything this year.. blame it on T..
K-Kids and names: one son - T.. tara rum pum..
L-Life: Nothing to complain about .. but want more from it..
M-Marriage date: Oct 20th 2004
N-Number of siblings: 1- a sister who's far away from home..
O-Oranges or apples: Oranges
P-Phobias: Lizards and Earthquakes...
Q-Quote: "I am the only one stopping myself from being what I want"
R-Reason to smile: My baby discovering something new that I had always taken for granted, my sister's/husband's success, my father playing with my son..
S-Season: Spring because weather is mild and Autumn because delhi is so pleasant and festive.
T-Tag three people: Mad Momma, Nostalgic Chica, Bird's Eye View
U-Unknown fact about me: I want to do some more studying .. not sure when & how..
V-Vegetable you do not like: lotus stems.. ( bhey.. what a despicable name..)
W-Worst habit: Self depreciation.. I must be better than I think I am..
X-x-rays you have had: Chest
Y-Your favorite food: Thai curries and Biryani.. not together of course
Z-Zodiac: Capricorn
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Spring is here..
The florists shops are a crazy riot of colors.
T can be finally left on the floor to crawl.
Walking barefoot on the cool marble floors is refreshing.
Layers of clothes have been shed of T and me. T looks thin. I look fat, all the wrong bumps on all the wrong places.
The winter lethargy is wearing off, time for spring cleaning.
I can smell Holi in the air though it's still a month away...
T can be finally left on the floor to crawl.
Walking barefoot on the cool marble floors is refreshing.
Layers of clothes have been shed of T and me. T looks thin. I look fat, all the wrong bumps on all the wrong places.
The winter lethargy is wearing off, time for spring cleaning.
I can smell Holi in the air though it's still a month away...
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I worshipped my father till I grew up and started seeing him as a mortal. Now I work with him and I see his mistakes day in and day out. I see his over confidence now, that in my younger days had impressed me so much that I thought he knew everything about everything. Another thing that I have come to know about him lately is that he, although it may not seem like, is very emotional and impulsive.
What really bothers me at work today is this relative of ours who he employed 4 years ago in order to help him. He is older than my father but has never really done a days worth of work in his life. I always thought that people are rich or poor partly because of their efforts and partly luck. Till I saw this man up close, I used to think that he had been unlucky in terms of career and money but now I know he never tried and he never will.
It makes me mad to know that he's not just drawing a sizable salary from us for almost no work in return, he is also stealing. How can anyone be so ungrateful? But there he is talking rubbish, pretending that he really cares for us and our business and going about stealing when our backs are turned. Now the relationship with him is really sensitive. Throwing him out means jeopardising other lives that my father cares about. So we are paying the cost of being emotional and impulsive.
What really bothers me at work today is this relative of ours who he employed 4 years ago in order to help him. He is older than my father but has never really done a days worth of work in his life. I always thought that people are rich or poor partly because of their efforts and partly luck. Till I saw this man up close, I used to think that he had been unlucky in terms of career and money but now I know he never tried and he never will.
It makes me mad to know that he's not just drawing a sizable salary from us for almost no work in return, he is also stealing. How can anyone be so ungrateful? But there he is talking rubbish, pretending that he really cares for us and our business and going about stealing when our backs are turned. Now the relationship with him is really sensitive. Throwing him out means jeopardising other lives that my father cares about. So we are paying the cost of being emotional and impulsive.
Call for help with T..
I never thought I would be the kind of mother who would hit her child. I have nothing against parents who hit children, just that I wasn't brought up like that, my parents had never hit us. The worst ever memories I have are about them getting angry and screaming at me but never any physical hurt.
This morning, T just about 9 months old has been kind of asking for it already. I feel terrible about wanting to scold him and hit him and I know according to the science of it all, its too soon and not advisable to instill fear in a baby. But he's just being really difficult all of a sudden.
He woke up crying this morning which is really unusual and then just refused to eat anything that we offered. I know this might be one of those days and I don't fret too much about him missing a meal once in a while. He has also been very clingy lately. I blame myself for letting him be with the maid more than usual as she just keeps him in her lap all the time and doesn't let him crawl at all.
Earlier he was quite content playing by himself, now he wails as soon as no one is in sight. He starts screaming if we don't let him have any thing that he wants. Weren't the terrible twos supposed to start at two?
I am totally clueless about how to deal with him. I hope this is a phase and passes away soon. What gets me totally worked up is that what if all these really become habits are here to stay? What if this is how T turns out and I spoil him by not dealing with all this the right way?
If any experienced mums happen to read this.. please tell me what to do..
Edited to add: T's being such an angel now.. just woke up from his nap and is resting his head on my shoulder. How can I ever be tough with this tiny vulnerable thing who's a part of me..
This morning, T just about 9 months old has been kind of asking for it already. I feel terrible about wanting to scold him and hit him and I know according to the science of it all, its too soon and not advisable to instill fear in a baby. But he's just being really difficult all of a sudden.
He woke up crying this morning which is really unusual and then just refused to eat anything that we offered. I know this might be one of those days and I don't fret too much about him missing a meal once in a while. He has also been very clingy lately. I blame myself for letting him be with the maid more than usual as she just keeps him in her lap all the time and doesn't let him crawl at all.
Earlier he was quite content playing by himself, now he wails as soon as no one is in sight. He starts screaming if we don't let him have any thing that he wants. Weren't the terrible twos supposed to start at two?
I am totally clueless about how to deal with him. I hope this is a phase and passes away soon. What gets me totally worked up is that what if all these really become habits are here to stay? What if this is how T turns out and I spoil him by not dealing with all this the right way?
If any experienced mums happen to read this.. please tell me what to do..
Edited to add: T's being such an angel now.. just woke up from his nap and is resting his head on my shoulder. How can I ever be tough with this tiny vulnerable thing who's a part of me..
Monday, February 18, 2008
Goodbye to The Mad Momma
So MM has said her goodbyes. Her blog had become such a part of my life. I was initiated to her blog by my sister at a time when I was struggling to come to terms with motherhood. T had just come into our lives and I had had no idea how tough the first few weeks were going to be. P had been extremely busy with work then and I felt really lonely. I also had issues with my body and thats when my sister forced me to read this post by MM on a similar issue she was facing. And thats when I got really hooked on. Every word she said echoed my feelings but was written in a way I could have never managed to put. Her honesty coupled with her writing skills made the blog irresistible.
Fortunately, I got to know her personally and now I know where she lives, so I will just knock on her door whenever I miss her blog too much.. :)
Fortunately, I got to know her personally and now I know where she lives, so I will just knock on her door whenever I miss her blog too much.. :)
Friday, February 15, 2008
The pleasures of having a baby..
I started out wanting to be a mommy blogger but I have hardly blogged about mommy things. Whenever I read my old journals I noticed that happy things and happy days were always mentioned in passing while the main focus was always on the troubled times. The habit stays with me to this day and reflects in my blog.
This is why I rarely share the happiness that T gives me and just delve on the stuff that really bothers me.
I wanted to write about T's recent illness and all that we went through but somehow as soon as T got better and I got time to post, the memory of the harrowing illness faded and all I really remembered was the way T bravely and cheerfully dealt with it all.
I record the milestones in a baby book so the dates when he said 'Maah' and then 'Baah' and 'Kya hai', all were put in there and not blogged about.
However, I really felt like writing about T today. He is about 9 and a half months old now and has been a very happy and cheerful baby all along. He has a smile for everyone even though he is now selective about who's lap he goes to. He is very fond of music, I think because of all the piano lessons I took during pregnancy. He always joins in when P hums a tune. He claps when there's music on TV or radio. He's even figured out a funny bhangra type dancing step to go with the music. He is very loud and screams out in joy whenever he gets a chance to. Another peculiar habit he has is that he is a total exhibitionist and needs an audience whenever he is playing. When P throws him up in the air, he first spots me and then squeals with joy but I have to be there for him to react to the fun otherwise he will just politely smile. The intensity of his reaction depends on the kind of audience he has.
When we were about to have T. P and I always used to wonder what it would be like to have a baby around. We used to worry about the constant crying that would ruin the peace in our house. What were completely unprepared for was this happy little energetic thing who would infuse such joy in our home.
We never thought having a baby would fill us with such enthusiasm for even the most mundane things in life. T knows the sound of an airplane and everytime one passes by he points his finger to the roof. Now whenever I'm not with T and I hear the sound, it makes me smile. Imagine I must have heard it a million times before but now it always makes me think of T.
There are many such things that T has made us look at and notice that we took for granted. It's really like looking at the world anew. I am grateful to T for giving me this new lease on life and the world. Feels like I'm born again.
This is why I rarely share the happiness that T gives me and just delve on the stuff that really bothers me.
I wanted to write about T's recent illness and all that we went through but somehow as soon as T got better and I got time to post, the memory of the harrowing illness faded and all I really remembered was the way T bravely and cheerfully dealt with it all.
I record the milestones in a baby book so the dates when he said 'Maah' and then 'Baah' and 'Kya hai', all were put in there and not blogged about.
However, I really felt like writing about T today. He is about 9 and a half months old now and has been a very happy and cheerful baby all along. He has a smile for everyone even though he is now selective about who's lap he goes to. He is very fond of music, I think because of all the piano lessons I took during pregnancy. He always joins in when P hums a tune. He claps when there's music on TV or radio. He's even figured out a funny bhangra type dancing step to go with the music. He is very loud and screams out in joy whenever he gets a chance to. Another peculiar habit he has is that he is a total exhibitionist and needs an audience whenever he is playing. When P throws him up in the air, he first spots me and then squeals with joy but I have to be there for him to react to the fun otherwise he will just politely smile. The intensity of his reaction depends on the kind of audience he has.
When we were about to have T. P and I always used to wonder what it would be like to have a baby around. We used to worry about the constant crying that would ruin the peace in our house. What were completely unprepared for was this happy little energetic thing who would infuse such joy in our home.
We never thought having a baby would fill us with such enthusiasm for even the most mundane things in life. T knows the sound of an airplane and everytime one passes by he points his finger to the roof. Now whenever I'm not with T and I hear the sound, it makes me smile. Imagine I must have heard it a million times before but now it always makes me think of T.
There are many such things that T has made us look at and notice that we took for granted. It's really like looking at the world anew. I am grateful to T for giving me this new lease on life and the world. Feels like I'm born again.
f$*% them all...
This is what I said last night to P after the dinner with 'friends'. This was the first time I ever used the F word. I never ever swear. My knowledge of cuss words is extremely limited and I hardly ever go beyond calling someone 'a fool' even when I'm drunk. In fact I recall this one incident, when my sister who had this terrible habit of showing the middle finger irritated me so much that I attempted to show her the finger back. And silly ignorant me not knowing which finger to stick out, put out the wrong one. So what really happened to make me utter these forbidden words? I will try to describe it although the whole situation is extremely complex.
Actually to put it concisely, P has these two friends from donkey's years, almost a couple of decades now. One is extremely rich and the other is more like us. And to make it more complex, one of them is married to my ex best friend. So now before we got married they were all very thick. After we got married, I was not accepted into the group for various reasons and we drifted apart.
We got back in touch after a couple of years and started socialising again till the other friend got married to my ex-best friend. Now this foursome meets very often. One couple has a kid but totally believes in leaving him with the help at all times, the other couple does not have any. So obviously, we are the ones with most obligations and time constraints. And these people have never been understanding on anything that concerns P and me, so they have completely excluded us. We talk on the phone but we are never invited to any of their outings. We have felt extremely hurt on more than one occasions but this time they have really done it.
Yesterday when one of them called us to join them for dinner, we were sceptical but we went anyway. P and I are not sure and absolutely can't explain why we went but we did. We went to the dinner talking about how much we detest everyone of them but we still decided to have a good time.. eat, drink and be merry and not give a damn to them.
So these guys walked in together though they live quite far apart and one of them lives quite close to us. But this is normally how they arrange their pick ups. As soon as they sat down, this one man promptly ordered two drinks for himself and the other guy, completely ignoring P. The gesture, as we know him very well, was meant to send a message across to P that he is very thick with the other guy and P is not a part of it anymore. P and I ignored him and ordered a nice bottle of wine for ourselves.
The evening was not bad at all. P and I had a good time. Though these guys acted like total jerks but P & I just didn't give any heed to it. I was totally myself throughout the evening which was a nice change in their company. All the other times that I've met them, I've tried hard to be a part of the group and not do or say stuff that will make them judge me. But I had had enough, they are just not worth it and now that P doesn't really care about them, I don't have to either. So I enjoyed my food and drink, dressed the way I wanted to and said exactly what I thought about everything. It was a liberating experience. I also clearly put the message across that we know what they are up to. P and I are not blind to the neat exclusion game that some or all of them have been playing and we don't give two hoots to it.
On our way back, when P and I dissected the events of the evening, the only words that could truly express my sentiment was 'f$*% them all' .
Edited to add: The last post about letting go was also meant for the same group of people.
Actually to put it concisely, P has these two friends from donkey's years, almost a couple of decades now. One is extremely rich and the other is more like us. And to make it more complex, one of them is married to my ex best friend. So now before we got married they were all very thick. After we got married, I was not accepted into the group for various reasons and we drifted apart.
We got back in touch after a couple of years and started socialising again till the other friend got married to my ex-best friend. Now this foursome meets very often. One couple has a kid but totally believes in leaving him with the help at all times, the other couple does not have any. So obviously, we are the ones with most obligations and time constraints. And these people have never been understanding on anything that concerns P and me, so they have completely excluded us. We talk on the phone but we are never invited to any of their outings. We have felt extremely hurt on more than one occasions but this time they have really done it.
Yesterday when one of them called us to join them for dinner, we were sceptical but we went anyway. P and I are not sure and absolutely can't explain why we went but we did. We went to the dinner talking about how much we detest everyone of them but we still decided to have a good time.. eat, drink and be merry and not give a damn to them.
So these guys walked in together though they live quite far apart and one of them lives quite close to us. But this is normally how they arrange their pick ups. As soon as they sat down, this one man promptly ordered two drinks for himself and the other guy, completely ignoring P. The gesture, as we know him very well, was meant to send a message across to P that he is very thick with the other guy and P is not a part of it anymore. P and I ignored him and ordered a nice bottle of wine for ourselves.
The evening was not bad at all. P and I had a good time. Though these guys acted like total jerks but P & I just didn't give any heed to it. I was totally myself throughout the evening which was a nice change in their company. All the other times that I've met them, I've tried hard to be a part of the group and not do or say stuff that will make them judge me. But I had had enough, they are just not worth it and now that P doesn't really care about them, I don't have to either. So I enjoyed my food and drink, dressed the way I wanted to and said exactly what I thought about everything. It was a liberating experience. I also clearly put the message across that we know what they are up to. P and I are not blind to the neat exclusion game that some or all of them have been playing and we don't give two hoots to it.
On our way back, when P and I dissected the events of the evening, the only words that could truly express my sentiment was 'f$*% them all' .
Edited to add: The last post about letting go was also meant for the same group of people.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Why is it so hard to let go?
Old friendships that have lost their charm and even trust. There are constant misunderstandings. All that's left is envy and jealousy. Every word and action is judged bitterly. We know we will never belong in that group. We have run out of reasons to try yet again to be a part, to forget and forgive and start once again. Still why is it so hard to let go and move on? Why do we still wonder whats happening there? Why do we still talk about them so often? Why does it seem so unfair that we were never accepted for what we were? So unfair that all our effort was futile. Why do we still care when we don't want to? Which one of them did this to us and why? It doesn't really matter but why does it still bothers us?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Me on TV
Okay so this was another first for me... I actually participated on a TV show. After getting numerous calls from this TV channel for various mommy talk shows, I went for this one on 'post-natal exercise for mommies'. Basically I have been dying to get back in shape but I haven't been doing much about it so I thought I might learn some great secrets and fit into my old clothes soon. And honestly another attraction was the place they were shooting at, this fancy spa and gym in town which I really wanted to see. So despite being slightly unwell, I popped an aspirin and went along.
As soon as I entered the place, I was directed to this other lady who was waiting for the same shoot. Well when I saw her I was pretty sure I would either be sent back with an apology or used like some sorry extras exercising in the background. Anyway I sat and I waited with her and got to know that though she was skinny as a stick and prettily made up as a model, she had two kids, 20 something months and 4 months... 4 months .. can you believe that and I still look like I do even after 9 months now... So i was pretty sure she would be the star mommy of the show. Then finally it turned out that she was to host the show and I was the only exercising mommy they had.
So the crew arrived, we started shooting.. me in no makeup, even forgot to put my kohl in the hurry.. and sticky tied up hair :(.. But i had decided to make the most of the time and I had fun as soon as I stopped thinking about how I looked. The other woman on the show was a trainer who was in fantastic shape. I had a good time chatting with the two smart women and the shooting. Nobody really told me what to do so I had to just talk extempore and it was quite informal. The place is awesome, beautifully done up with water and greens. I hadn't seen such a luxurious spa and gym ever before, just being their was quite relaxing.
So this morning the show was aired. Its a new channel and not very popular so most likely very few people caught it. It was a strange thing to see myself on TV. Though I looked like shit and a buffalo compared to the two women, I was still glad I did it. (They say the camera adds ten kilos right?)
As soon as I entered the place, I was directed to this other lady who was waiting for the same shoot. Well when I saw her I was pretty sure I would either be sent back with an apology or used like some sorry extras exercising in the background. Anyway I sat and I waited with her and got to know that though she was skinny as a stick and prettily made up as a model, she had two kids, 20 something months and 4 months... 4 months .. can you believe that and I still look like I do even after 9 months now... So i was pretty sure she would be the star mommy of the show. Then finally it turned out that she was to host the show and I was the only exercising mommy they had.
So the crew arrived, we started shooting.. me in no makeup, even forgot to put my kohl in the hurry.. and sticky tied up hair :(.. But i had decided to make the most of the time and I had fun as soon as I stopped thinking about how I looked. The other woman on the show was a trainer who was in fantastic shape. I had a good time chatting with the two smart women and the shooting. Nobody really told me what to do so I had to just talk extempore and it was quite informal. The place is awesome, beautifully done up with water and greens. I hadn't seen such a luxurious spa and gym ever before, just being their was quite relaxing.
So this morning the show was aired. Its a new channel and not very popular so most likely very few people caught it. It was a strange thing to see myself on TV. Though I looked like shit and a buffalo compared to the two women, I was still glad I did it. (They say the camera adds ten kilos right?)
Monday, February 4, 2008
A Wholesome Weekend
The weekend is over and looks like the Monday blues are here to stay. The MM and OA visited us late Friday evening for some baby-less time and it was very pleasant. We guys managed to stay off the baby chat for the greater part of the evening. P and I were finally happy for some adult company. Not that we don't enjoy our time with T but we need to socialise with adults to remain sane and more importantly to not forget adult language when the usual talk around the house is on the lines of "birdie kaha hai?" (where is the bird?) and maah ko paah kar do.. ( Give mama a kiss).
Saturday was hectic but I got a lot done from the monthly grooming at the saloon to clothes alterations and also a trip to Chandni Chowk with mum to pick some gifts. We went gallivanting around town in the evening after leaving T with Nanu & Nani. We started with kebabs in Defence Colony market then to the new Six Month Story at Chattarpur which was quite sad. Finally we ended up at the old favourite Dublin and danced the night away.
Sunday was supposed to be an outing to the Ethiopian embassy for some authentic food with some friends and P and I were really looking forward to it but the sun played spoilt sport . It was overcast and windy and too cold to take T out and no one was available to babysit. So the day was spent with all three of us huddled in a blanket with the heater on. And we finally caught Om Shanti Om on DVD. I refrain from commenting on the movie. All I can say is that a bunch of smart people made a big joke on the sensibilities of the Indian audience and made a lot of money. We were supposed to attend a wedding in the evening of an ex colleague of mine from HCL which we almost passed due to the weather but then finally went to. And the biggest moment of the day was when my mum who is so hard to please, complimented me on my dressing. So all in all a good weekend.
Saturday was hectic but I got a lot done from the monthly grooming at the saloon to clothes alterations and also a trip to Chandni Chowk with mum to pick some gifts. We went gallivanting around town in the evening after leaving T with Nanu & Nani. We started with kebabs in Defence Colony market then to the new Six Month Story at Chattarpur which was quite sad. Finally we ended up at the old favourite Dublin and danced the night away.
Sunday was supposed to be an outing to the Ethiopian embassy for some authentic food with some friends and P and I were really looking forward to it but the sun played spoilt sport . It was overcast and windy and too cold to take T out and no one was available to babysit. So the day was spent with all three of us huddled in a blanket with the heater on. And we finally caught Om Shanti Om on DVD. I refrain from commenting on the movie. All I can say is that a bunch of smart people made a big joke on the sensibilities of the Indian audience and made a lot of money. We were supposed to attend a wedding in the evening of an ex colleague of mine from HCL which we almost passed due to the weather but then finally went to. And the biggest moment of the day was when my mum who is so hard to please, complimented me on my dressing. So all in all a good weekend.
Friday, February 1, 2008
The Misfit
If ever a term has described me aptly it's a "misfit". Lets start from the beginning. Since, my Grandpa had lost all in the move from Pakistan to India during the partition, it had been an uphill ride all along. They were a conventional struggling Punjabi business family till my mum came along. She came from a service class family from small town UP. She was a Punjabi too but a modest, strict and extremely conservative upbringing in that small town made her very different from the family she married into.
My father was struggling very hard with my grandfather to build a business back in the 1980's. So he was mostly at work at all sort of hours and there was never a Sunday at our house. The only event we looked forward to in the week used to be a Monday night supper when we would go out to a restaurant to eat. Its not like he wasn't a part of our lives, he would help mum in the kitchen whenever he was home and we would go for short vacations at least a couple of times in the year but he was missing from the smaller everyday things. So our upbringing was like that of small town UP conservative girls rather than the Big bad Delhi that we lived in. It was always full of contradictions. We could wear shorts and skirts but not talk to boys. We could attend loads of activity programs in and out of school, all co-ed but not have any friends of the opposite sex. No 'boy' classmates could come home for a birthday party or even call to ask for homework. My mum expected us to live like we were in a government run school in her town rather than a public school in south Delhi. Another thing was the choice of school. We went to this school because it was convenient to get admission through a contact and it was close to home. My mother was too ignorant and father too occupied to rethink the choice of school even after our circumstances improved many fold.
So basically I was a misfit in school as most kids were from different kind of families than I was ( financially and culturally). And I was somehow always a little older (not literally) than the kids around me. Or at least I behaved like one. Being the elder sister, at home i was forced to be more responsible and not child like. Also my general nature of being aloof and introvert didn't help either. What I regret about those times is that no one was around to guide me. To talk to me and tell me that its important to be open in life, to make friends, to do as much as you can and not just sit in a corner and read. Anyway all of this made me quite anti social and probably because of being in the wrong school, my parents never approved of any of my friends and as a result there is hardly any friendship that I cherish from those all important school days.
I was always a misfit as most school mates were not good enough for me according to my parents and other playmates in the super posh colony where we lived were too good for me and quite intimidating.
Then came college, due to total lack of knowing what I wanted out of life and no guidance at all, I didn't end up in a great place. Though I did meet some good people and even became a part of this great group of friends and that was fun. I believed that we were great friends for life but it didn't last too long after we left college. These friends again came from diverse family backgrounds than mine. The truth was that I had more privileges than they had, my car had become the only source of commuting for everyone and somehow i used to be conveniently left out when the car wasn't needed. But I was too innocent to think about all this then, the concept of money being a criteria for friendship did not exist for me. In fact that's why i was a misfit as i used the privileges I had without realising that people around me could not have them. My parents had never made us feel that we were quite well off. We mostly lived a modest life so we didn't fit in with the moneyed crowd and somehow were excluded from the non moneyed ones. All this really struck me when I left college and me and another friend got married just about an year after that. I married below my parent's expectations. I did not marry money. This friend married much above everyone's expectations. She married money. And suddenly most of the college group ignored and left me high and dry and stuck to the other girl. That's when I realized what had been happening all along. Now all this is purely based on what I think. I have never confronted anyone. This is another flaw in the way I live my life. I let friends go rather than confront them. And somehow till now (when i find myself with no friends), I thought this was a great idea.
Then came work, I joined an IT company. I was good at my work but somehow initially judged by my family. The manager thought that since I drove my own car to work and my family was well off, i didn't need the job so he assumed that I was not responsible enough. I worked very hard to break this perception and finally quit and joined an even better company. Here I made sure I underplayed myself till i had won every one's confidence and admiration for my work. But I didn't fit too well here either. Most of my colleagues were from small towns and had a very different set of ideas. I, in no way mean to demean anyone in this post. When I say 'not well off' or 'from small towns' , I simply want to highlight the differences in basic living and thinking that exists due to difference in exposure and circumstances. I know its not impossible to get along with people who are different than us, I did get along with most people around me at all points in my life but I never could make true friends who understand and really know me. Its not easy to understand or enjoy the same things if there are a lot of deep rooted, basic differences. I was always afraid of being judged for who I was or who I wasn't, so i never really trusted anyone enough to be real with them. Maybe I never really tried. But now all I feel is regret for all those growing up years when people make friends who last them a lifetime, I don't have any that I can call to cry my heart out to in the middle of the night.
Marriage made my social situation even worse, the husbands friends were a world apart from where I came and didn't do much to help me adjust. As a result we drifted apart from them too.
I know that this post is miserable and badly written. It has no definite direction. I don't know how to control my emotions to tweak this post to make it look good. I'm writing this only to get all of this off my chest. At the risk of sounding foolish or desperate or crazy, I will still publish it. Isn't that the whole idea of blogging?
My father was struggling very hard with my grandfather to build a business back in the 1980's. So he was mostly at work at all sort of hours and there was never a Sunday at our house. The only event we looked forward to in the week used to be a Monday night supper when we would go out to a restaurant to eat. Its not like he wasn't a part of our lives, he would help mum in the kitchen whenever he was home and we would go for short vacations at least a couple of times in the year but he was missing from the smaller everyday things. So our upbringing was like that of small town UP conservative girls rather than the Big bad Delhi that we lived in. It was always full of contradictions. We could wear shorts and skirts but not talk to boys. We could attend loads of activity programs in and out of school, all co-ed but not have any friends of the opposite sex. No 'boy' classmates could come home for a birthday party or even call to ask for homework. My mum expected us to live like we were in a government run school in her town rather than a public school in south Delhi. Another thing was the choice of school. We went to this school because it was convenient to get admission through a contact and it was close to home. My mother was too ignorant and father too occupied to rethink the choice of school even after our circumstances improved many fold.
So basically I was a misfit in school as most kids were from different kind of families than I was ( financially and culturally). And I was somehow always a little older (not literally) than the kids around me. Or at least I behaved like one. Being the elder sister, at home i was forced to be more responsible and not child like. Also my general nature of being aloof and introvert didn't help either. What I regret about those times is that no one was around to guide me. To talk to me and tell me that its important to be open in life, to make friends, to do as much as you can and not just sit in a corner and read. Anyway all of this made me quite anti social and probably because of being in the wrong school, my parents never approved of any of my friends and as a result there is hardly any friendship that I cherish from those all important school days.
I was always a misfit as most school mates were not good enough for me according to my parents and other playmates in the super posh colony where we lived were too good for me and quite intimidating.
Then came college, due to total lack of knowing what I wanted out of life and no guidance at all, I didn't end up in a great place. Though I did meet some good people and even became a part of this great group of friends and that was fun. I believed that we were great friends for life but it didn't last too long after we left college. These friends again came from diverse family backgrounds than mine. The truth was that I had more privileges than they had, my car had become the only source of commuting for everyone and somehow i used to be conveniently left out when the car wasn't needed. But I was too innocent to think about all this then, the concept of money being a criteria for friendship did not exist for me. In fact that's why i was a misfit as i used the privileges I had without realising that people around me could not have them. My parents had never made us feel that we were quite well off. We mostly lived a modest life so we didn't fit in with the moneyed crowd and somehow were excluded from the non moneyed ones. All this really struck me when I left college and me and another friend got married just about an year after that. I married below my parent's expectations. I did not marry money. This friend married much above everyone's expectations. She married money. And suddenly most of the college group ignored and left me high and dry and stuck to the other girl. That's when I realized what had been happening all along. Now all this is purely based on what I think. I have never confronted anyone. This is another flaw in the way I live my life. I let friends go rather than confront them. And somehow till now (when i find myself with no friends), I thought this was a great idea.
Then came work, I joined an IT company. I was good at my work but somehow initially judged by my family. The manager thought that since I drove my own car to work and my family was well off, i didn't need the job so he assumed that I was not responsible enough. I worked very hard to break this perception and finally quit and joined an even better company. Here I made sure I underplayed myself till i had won every one's confidence and admiration for my work. But I didn't fit too well here either. Most of my colleagues were from small towns and had a very different set of ideas. I, in no way mean to demean anyone in this post. When I say 'not well off' or 'from small towns' , I simply want to highlight the differences in basic living and thinking that exists due to difference in exposure and circumstances. I know its not impossible to get along with people who are different than us, I did get along with most people around me at all points in my life but I never could make true friends who understand and really know me. Its not easy to understand or enjoy the same things if there are a lot of deep rooted, basic differences. I was always afraid of being judged for who I was or who I wasn't, so i never really trusted anyone enough to be real with them. Maybe I never really tried. But now all I feel is regret for all those growing up years when people make friends who last them a lifetime, I don't have any that I can call to cry my heart out to in the middle of the night.
Marriage made my social situation even worse, the husbands friends were a world apart from where I came and didn't do much to help me adjust. As a result we drifted apart from them too.
I know that this post is miserable and badly written. It has no definite direction. I don't know how to control my emotions to tweak this post to make it look good. I'm writing this only to get all of this off my chest. At the risk of sounding foolish or desperate or crazy, I will still publish it. Isn't that the whole idea of blogging?
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