Introspection..

There are two ways of living life. First is to be yourself, say what you like, do what you like, the way you like, have strong convictions and opinions, voice them. Love fiercely, live fiercely. This will constantly result in disagreements, embarrassing situations, arguments, fights but you give all you have. You want things and you struggle till you get them. You want to live your life a certain way and you fight your way through everything to get there. Hold nothing back.

The second is to be content. To love mildly and live mildly. To suppress the real you to avoid confrontations. To go with the flow and never against it. To compromise. To keep everyone happy. To have an easy going, even a happy life but not what you would ideally want it to be. To keep the real you in a caged corner.

I have always based my life on this belief. I am a different person in every relationship. I am fierce in relationships that matter to me most and mild in the ones that are not so important to me. Similarly, I am fierce with things that are priority at that time in my life and mild with those that aren't.

The moment of truth arises when my attitude changes from one to the other. A relationship very important to me is going through such a phase. I can give in now and it might become easier for all those involved. Less fulfilling and less true but easier. The fight to make things better, to make them the way I had wanted it from the start seems to be going nowhere. I seem to be the only one wanting it and slamming against a hard stone wall, breaking myself. I speak my mind and its ugly. I hate what this is turning me into.

I can let go now but a part of me would die. Just the thought of a calm but unfulfilled life is repulsive. I am at a loss. I can let go but don't want to.
This is a life choice, the turning point for the rest of my life.

NC is leaving..

Three months come to an end. Her vacation is over. I don't want to write how nervous I am about her leaving or how much I will miss her. She will hate me if I delve too much on that.

I just want to tell her that the last three months have been the best part of the year. In spite of me being busy with my life, I did try my best to give her as much time as I could. Maybe it wasn't good enough but knowing all that she knows about my life she will understand how I tried.

All the troubles did not magically vanish when she landed here but it was a lot easier to handle them when she was around. The burden somehow seemed lighter.

I apologize for all that I couldn't do for her when she was around. We did not spend enough time together. I did not talk to her enough. I did not listen to her enough. We didn't go out enough. I haven't taught her how to cook dal. Not that I'm the best person for that but anyway.
I did skip my diet so we could enjoy eating out. I skipped work often enough. I ignored P and T at times. I went to a holiday I didn't want to. I really did try to do my best.
All this is just so that I can tell her that don't hate me, our family or Delhi for not giving you all that you expected out of these last months.
Please Please come back and keep coming back and not just for T's sake.

Wow... an award..

I have just been awarded the Brilliant Weblog award by Piper and NC. Here it is ..




"The Brilliant Weblog award- a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design. (Ahem!)The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogosphere. Here are the rules to follow:
1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5. And then we pass it on!"

It was a pleasant surprise for somebody with my frequency of posting. The problem with passing this is that I read very few blogs and am sure all of them have received this award already and more than once in some cases, so lets not make this go round and round. I will keep this for another time when I can pass it on to new bloggers.

Piper and NC thanks again and I promise to post more often.

The time I let my baby cry..

T has this weird habit of sucking the fingers on his left hand and holding another person's eye while trying to sleep. The sucking has been going on forever and I don't know what to do about it, just hoping it will go away with time or maybe not.
The thing about playing with my eye or his dad's while sleeping started sometime back when he kept unwell on and off for quite a while. That's when he moved back to our bed from his cot.
That coupled with my own insecurities got us used to co sleeping. There seemed nothing wrong with it. We loved snuggling up in bed together and going of to sleep hand on eye.

Something was wrong though, the habit took deep routes. He became extremely dependent and never fell asleep on his own. He had to be put to sleep on our bed and then moved to his cot. Of course he was back in our bed sometime early morning. So yesterday we decided to train him to sleep on his own in his cot.

It started well, he very happily went to his cot and snuggled up with a stuffed toy. All was well till he realised he was not going to get an eye to hold. All hell broke loose. We lay on our beds and tried to calm him with rhymes and even patted him. But he just wouldn't budge.
P couldn't bear the crying after a while and wanted to give in "just for tonight" I shoved him out of the room and took over. After numerous repetitions of his favourite rhymes and when the fatigue set in, he finally gave up. I did pat him a little though. It was heart breaking and I am so scared of going through this again tonight and God knows till when. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I couldn't sleep for a quite a while after all this. I was quite shaken up and felt worse for being alone in this. I wish P had stayed and not made me the bad parent.

I just hope and wish and pray with all my heart that T forgets this and it does not have any lasting impression on him. I just want him to be independent and he seems smart enough to understand most things. This seems like the right time to discipline him. Though I feel like such a monster of a mother.