This is a distress call...

I have never enjoyed a holiday more or felt more guilt for it. We got back a week ago and life has been in a turmoil. The maid trouble has finally been sorted out but T is just not himself. We left a darling little T at nani home and he's transformed into something I don't recognize at all. I should never have left him and gone off. But the holiday did us a lot of good. Touch-wood!!

Anyway, so T is a changed person. He bites and scratches people when he doesn't get what he wants. He cries at the smallest of things. And worst of all he just doesn't eat. It's like I've completely lost all that I achieved with my hard-work of 20 months in 6 days. The behavioural aspect I'm hoping will sort itself out in a while but the eating part I'm most worried about.

He used to eat everything that I put on his plate, all green vegetables, lentils, everything. For the last week, I haven't been able to put more than 3 spoons of anything in his mouth and he hasn't stayed in the high chair for more than 5 mins.

I can't stop blaming myself for letting him being fed my the maid so often (this is the one who left), but you know how kids eat better with everyone other than their mums and dads.

I'm clueless. I've exhausted all the tricks I know. He's a little unwell too. All the mommies out there... Please Help...

So I'm on a roll today...

I can't stop writing :)..

But this is just to point to an update on T which I have not been able to put down due to a major paucity of time. But NC helpfully wrote about T and her trip here and here.. so read on if you wish...

New Year update...

Okay so I started blogging last year with a list of new year resolutions for 2008 and lets see how I've fared before moving to the next set...

I will blog - I started and gave up too many times for various reasons but now i have been convinced by my sister that this is the ultimate means for nirvana and I believe her.. so here I go.

Okay.. Well I did keep this up, definitely not as much as I would have liked to but I'm happy that I haven't completely given it up and this space comes to my rescue at times when I have no one else. That's what this was meant to be. I would have liked it to be a record of T's life like most mommy blogs are but it never turned into that. It has been kind of a journal for me to vent out and I'm glad its there.

I will be me - I haven't been myself in a long time or maybe ever.. I've always been sort of this other person, bending backwards for people I don't even like. This needs to change. In fact that gets me to the next point ...I need to shed the unnecessary baggage of people I don't like or get along with and instead spend my time & energy on people who would really mean something to me and I to them.

This has also been taken forward to quite some extent. I have left behind some "extra baggage" .. some cut off completely.. some emotionally.. and I feel lighter. I have to keep working on this though, such habits are hard to break. I still am a little dysfunctional in relationships because of the past and have to really force myself to be what I really am and not just try to fit in.

Now coming to more personal things.. I really want to work on my relationship with P. His work and the baby have been hard on our relationship. Things are better now but I want to give him more.. time.. respect.. happiness..

Okay with P, it's much better than it was this time last year but still a work in progress. That's how a marriage has to be right...

I wont say I want to be a better mom, that is the one thing I am committed to 100% and don't know how to do it any better.

Well.. here I want to change somethings now. I want to make more time for T.

Another very important thing that makes me very guilty is my inability to give more time and commitment to work. This is something I can change by better time management and I will.

This has changed a lot since last year. I work many more hours than what I did earlier and have much more responsibility now. So this seems to have been covered successfully.

Of course, the usual the suspect of loose more weight is also up in the list..

Does losing inches count?? I have lost quite a few inches and can wear most of my old clothes and I 'm not too unhappy with the way I look now. But enough weight hasn't been knocked off yet.. so we carry this forward to next year...

And that is that again.. Will continue with the new list for 2009 soon..

For now we're off to the sunny beaches of Phuket.. for a honey moon repeat :)

Domestic woes...

It might seem bizarre to start the year with a post on domestic help but if you agree with me on the topic you will realize how appropriate it is. Obviously a lot has happened since I last wrote, NC’s action packed visit, I turned 27 on the 27Th of last month and we all stepped into a new year.. but all that later.

First you need to know about a big disruption in my otherwise peaceful domestic life. My maids left. One of them was supposed to leave and I can’t say I was sorry about that but the other.. let’s say my woman Friday just left. Without any notice. She took a day off to celebrate Christmas and never came back. I found out later from my 1 year something old baby that..” didi shadi hoga..”… (Didi will get married).. so I was elated to find out that she had the decency to inform her ward … well… not really.

I admit I am completely dependent on my domestic help. Otherwise my life comes to a standstill. I have to have a perfectly clean house, washed clothes, no dirty dishes in the sink and home cooked food for every meal. I would make sure me and my family would have this even if it meant toiling through the night. I would fret and complain but I would get it done. But after the baby, domestic help does not only ensure having all of that done but is the only way that I can get to work every day.

So now when a maid leaves, I panic, I get a nervous attack because it could mean skipping work for a long time, once even a whole month, till appropriate help is found and trained and baby T gets adjusted to.

What prompted this post was not that I was deserted by my precious helpers a week or so ago but how P just doesn’t get it. His reaction at my panic attack was incredible. He thought I had lost it.. which I had but I believe I had a very valid reason to that.

Since that day he has been trying to tell me that I panic needlessly, since we found help soon after. What he doesn’t realize is that we were just plain lucky this time and we’ve seen much worse. He thinks I’m a freak to react the way I do.

In fact we got home after a long tiring day today and he realized that the water pump had been left on much longer than needed. Wastage of any sort and the prospect of paying huge electricity bills really pisses P off and he completely blew his top off at this.. almost screaming at the girls. I kept shushing him but to no avail. I really had another panic attack thinking they’d just get up any minute and walk off.. And again at seeing my face loose colour he told me to get a grip on myself. It astonishes and saddens me that he just doesn’t understand my situation.

I want to do a lot in life. That’s the person I am. I want to productively work and earn my living. I need to socialize. I need to read. I need to take care of my baby in the way I deem fit. I know people abroad bring up babies without help and there’s nothing wrong with that. But living where I live and knowing that I don’t have to be away from my baby even when I work and also that I don’t have to give up work to be with my baby, why should I not want it all. It’s not easy I know, but this is the only way it works for me. And to do it all I need good help. I don’t believe in letting the help bring up my baby for me as a lot of people do (not sure if they realize it though) but I do need another person to help me bring him up and work full time. I know I’m extremely lucky to have a family business and a set-up where I can take T with me to work everyday. But I want someone to watch him around the office, play with him and keep him occupied when I’m busy. To feed him lunch if I’m stuck in a meeting. It’s great to know that he’s just in the next room. I could have never dealt with the guilt that comes with leaving your baby home to go to work. I know every working mother feels it and it’s terrible. I quit my job to join this business precisely for this reason. And now I have enrolled myself for post graduate programme in business management for this year. It will be mostly distance learning but I will have to travel to another city once in a while for a number of days. So having good help at home and for the baby is the only way I can accomplish this new target.

I know I will have a million balls up in the air and its going to need a lot of courage to handle all this but I’m ready. But I also know even if no else does that I can not do it without good helpers. So here’s hoping that the new year brings me better luck with my household help and also to everyone else who’s as dependent on them as I am.

All I need to start a day with a big smile is...

.. T hugging me early morning and saying "Good maama"...

.. spotting one of my nicest pictures as the desktop on P's new laptop ...

.. counting days for NC to land here .. only 9 days to go...

.. planning a weekend trip with friends..

.. early morning yoga.. :)

My birthday last year was sadly marked by this and now P's birthday was marked by the attack on posh Mumbai. I am shocked, sad and angry. I don't claim to be very well- informed on politics or the great issues facing this world .. All I have are these questions...

Why did the top cops who could lead the operation with their strategic planning, have to go and get killed in the encounter? What were they thinking? How does this work, aren't there rules for such seniors to handle such situations from the back with their brains .. instead of making martyrs of themselves?

Has the present Indian government been too soft on terrorists? Should Afzal have been hung long ago?Is it time for BJP to come to power and what has our country come to that the hateful BJP hardliners seem to be the only way to go?

What's wrong with all these people? Why can't we all WAKE UP and change the world? What is a Hindu.. a Muslim... people divided for a God no one has seen?

Will Obama save the world?

Last of all...

Is Raj Thackery alright with north India forces coming to his beloved Mumbai's rescue?
Stop dividing us.

Happy thoughts..

... After this lovely picnic.. we hadn't had enough of each other and followed Chandu and others to her home for a game of Taboo.. The hour that we had decided to leave after, flew unnoticed into another.. and we realized we had to head home to T who was finally up after a long nap. Both P and I didn't feel like leaving the party and I thought of asking everyone to move the party to our place. But Chandu and her Boy had made preparations for dinner and everyone was having such a good time that I hesitated. The darlings that these people are, they themselves offered to move the party to our place.. carried the uncooked chicken and the beer and the game and had a lovely impromptu dinner at our place.. This is such a lovely change from the stuck-up, hung-up people we have always been around..



.. Tomorrow is P's birthday. I wanted to do something extra special to snap us out of the complicity that has set in our relationship.. And guess what.. everything is finally in place.. the surprises unfold tomorrow.. so wait till then to read about it all..