The last post was from yesterday.. couldn't post it then. And to put me in my place for feeling so high & mighty after a few glasses of wine, last evening happened. We were very insistently invited to the same friend's house. I didn't want to go but P wanted to so we went. I had wine. Bad Red wine and it must have been opened a couple of days back. It was spoilt I think. And I said things I shouldn't have and I feel so terribly stupid about it all.

The Ms Fix It that I am, I want to do something about it. Though P wisely has forbidden me to do anything. Am i really immature to want honesty in relationships and friendships? Is it really one of the school/college days idealism that I still carry with me? How can I think something but show something else on my face? How do I reach a zen like state with this group of P's friends? How do I meet them once in a while only when they choose to include us and enjoy myself as nothings wrong?

This needs a huge amount of maturity and balance that I lack. Its not my nature to be indifferent. Everything around me affects me. I like everything to be clean and sorted. There are people I like and who like me and I share some sort of a relationship with them , there are people who don't like me or I don't like them and I prefer to not have anything to do with them. Don't we all have relatives to drag along in our lives who we don't like but since they are related to us, we can't do anything about it. Why have friendships like that?
I can't be like P. He's so calm about all this. He can just separate himself from it all and just enjoy himself.
I don't know how to deal with this. What I am sure about is that I should never ever have bad wine.

How a white Chinkara rescued me?

This Chinkara was white and cool. It came from Australia. And it came to my rescue on a miserable evening. Before you think I've lost it, Chinkara is an Australian wine that was served at a wedding cocktail party that I went to at the plush Oberoi Hotel in Delhi. This is how it all started.

This was P's closest friend's sister's wedding and things hadn't been going to well between us lately (same people I mentioned in this and this too). Anyway, I had decided to look stunning and be the life of the party (all those who really know me know this has to be a joke or a feat as hard to achieve as climbing the Everest). Ok so maybe not be the life of the party but at-least look stunning. I was really looking forward to wearing this thirty year old saree from my mum's trousseau. Its this amazing deep blue with a bold silver border. I got the saree refurbished and matched silver peep-toe sandals with a silver clutch.. the works.. I even got it steam-ironed, didn't want to take chances with the dhobi.

So after a hectic day, made a huge effort to look fresh (Ice cubes on the eyes et all). I started getting dressed and as soon as i pinned my palla, I noticed the big tear in the saree border right in the front. My heart sank and I was so furious at the dry cleaner. If only his store hadn't shut by then, he would have had it. P tried hard to pacify me. And finally, not having the time to change (or another ironed saree.. I should be better prepared), i pinned it up strategically, took a deep breath and left.

As soon as I entered the party, I spotted N who's P's friends wife and one of my ex- best friends. This is the one I can't make up my mind about. Is she innocent or is she the bitch who creates all the trouble in the group? Now N always made me believe that they hardly met with the others in the group. Here I see her moving around with so many of the friends & family of the other friends that I realize she's been lying all this while. I suddenly felt so completely miserable at being left out that I just wanted to walk out then. The saree accident was just adding to my woes. The whole story is too complex to explain now but I always felt that I got a raw deal from P's friends and N was very easily accepted.

Anyway, so I felt terrible and it was so clearly written all over my face. I am one of those stupid, immature, transparent people who find it very hard to suppress what they feel and can't rest till its all out of the system. Thankfully the performances from the bride's and the groom's family started right then. It is the silliest thing that I've ever seen. A rub off from Bollywood. But it helped, I didn't have to talk to anyone for a good thirty minutes and that time was enough to compose myself and pull my act together.

The tamasha (trust me, no better word for this) ended and i spotted a waiter with tall, cool glasses of white wine. I picked one up and gradually relaxed. Another glass and I was ready to take on N and the world. I confidently mingled arm in arm with P. I told it as it was. Joked with N about the games she's playing with me. I noticed her face drop and she got tongue tied. No one expects me to talk back and they were quite shocked I think. Even P was taken aback. But I was never rude, just honest.

I hate to think that I need a glass of wine to get through my life. Makes me feel like an alcoholic but it is true. Lesson to be learnt is that I should be more confident about being myself and not need any stimulants for that. Why should drunk me have more fun than the sober me?

And I'm back...

If anyone missed me, I was knee deep in house work, waist deep in office work and almost drowned in the weddings I had to attend. So much has been going on that I don't where to start. My maid quit. I was expecting it and it happened at the busiest possible time. Murphy's law hold true every time, doesn't it?

Got a maid on loan from my mum but she didn't cook so i had to wake up early to cook lunch and breakfast. Then get everything done for T and lug him to work. Then work all day and lug us back home (I don't really walk to work with T on my back but driving 40 kms in Delhi is no better). Fix T dinner, etc, etc and drop him to Nani home.. Finally get dressed in a saree, try to look like a million bucks and leave for the wedding parties when all I wanted was a trip to the land of nod. I managed. I lived through it somehow.

Now with the weddings over and a new maid ( my mum's network is great.. touch-wood!), I have been trying to get my sleep and sanity back.

More later..

Random thoughts..

Wanted to really utilize the weekend doing important things like cleaning & organising the house, sorting woolens, etc since P was away.. Did exactly what I hate him doing on a holiday.. sleep, read news papers & watch TV..

Spent an exorbitant amount of money on brocade blouses for sarees.. could have bought a new saree for that amount.. feeling stupid & guilty..

Met an old ex-best friend after ages.. realized how much I missed the comfort of being with an old friend.. but somehow fear slipping into old unhealthy patterns if I stay around her too much.. basically I was always envious of her extrovert, exuberant personality.. and this fuelled my general negativity. Somehow I fear she will over shadow me again if we got back in touch.. But this is a real test for the new me.. Actually I can't believe I still feel this way after all these years.. I'm a different person.. there's no need for comparison.. I have a great life with a few blotches here and there .. and I'm sure the same goes for her.. I should not worry too much about it and maybe try to start afresh ..

Realized T is a total show baby.. he fought off sleep for three hours to play with new people he met and put on all sorts of acts to keep them entertained..

Spending a day at mum's place as she isn't well and dad's out of town.. Spent some time watching TV and lazing around in my old room. Almost went back in time.. seemed like my sis would just walk into the room any minute and we'll watch friends and eat maggi.. Then T woke up :)

My first Tag..

My first Tag came from Nat.. here we go..

A - Available?: yes.. for friendships with smart young women preferably with kids..
B-Best friend: well.. none..
C-Cake or Pie?: Cake.. Gooey chocolate cakes to be precise
Drink of choice: Wines.. Red & white..
E-Essential thing used everyday: Contact Lenses.. would be blind otherwise..
F-Favourite colour: Blue.. especially the color of the sky at dawn..
G-Gummi bears or worms: none.. sweets only mean chocolates..
H-Hometown: Delhi.. always been..
I-Indulgence: Books.. Wine.. Eating Out...
J-January or February: Feb - spring and so much activity in the city.. though haven't participated in anything this year.. blame it on T..
K-Kids and names: one son - T.. tara rum pum..
L-Life: Nothing to complain about .. but want more from it..
M-Marriage date: Oct 20th 2004
N-Number of siblings: 1- a sister who's far away from home..
O-Oranges or apples: Oranges
P-Phobias: Lizards and Earthquakes...
Q-Quote: "I am the only one stopping myself from being what I want"
R-Reason to smile: My baby discovering something new that I had always taken for granted, my sister's/husband's success, my father playing with my son..
S-Season: Spring because weather is mild and Autumn because delhi is so pleasant and festive.
T-Tag three people: Mad Momma, Nostalgic Chica, Bird's Eye View
U-Unknown fact about me: I want to do some more studying .. not sure when & how..
V-Vegetable you do not like: lotus stems.. ( bhey.. what a despicable name..)
W-Worst habit: Self depreciation.. I must be better than I think I am..
X-x-rays you have had: Chest
Y-Your favorite food: Thai curries and Biryani.. not together of course
Z-Zodiac: Capricorn

Spring is here..

The florists shops are a crazy riot of colors.

T can be finally left on the floor to crawl.

Walking barefoot on the cool marble floors is refreshing.

Layers of clothes have been shed of T and me. T looks thin. I look fat, all the wrong bumps on all the wrong places.

The winter lethargy is wearing off, time for spring cleaning.

I can smell Holi in the air though it's still a month away...

I worshipped my father till I grew up and started seeing him as a mortal. Now I work with him and I see his mistakes day in and day out. I see his over confidence now, that in my younger days had impressed me so much that I thought he knew everything about everything. Another thing that I have come to know about him lately is that he, although it may not seem like, is very emotional and impulsive.

What really bothers me at work today is this relative of ours who he employed 4 years ago in order to help him. He is older than my father but has never really done a days worth of work in his life. I always thought that people are rich or poor partly because of their efforts and partly luck. Till I saw this man up close, I used to think that he had been unlucky in terms of career and money but now I know he never tried and he never will.

It makes me mad to know that he's not just drawing a sizable salary from us for almost no work in return, he is also stealing. How can anyone be so ungrateful? But there he is talking rubbish, pretending that he really cares for us and our business and going about stealing when our backs are turned. Now the relationship with him is really sensitive. Throwing him out means jeopardising other lives that my father cares about. So we are paying the cost of being emotional and impulsive.