Ok.. so I have been away a lot and this might go on for a while.. T turns 1 on Friday, the 2nd of May and we have a party planned out. Though not sure how it would turn out now that T has a fracture in his collar bone. Yes he does.. the X Ray shows it. He might have to wear a sling. I don't know how I can force a sling on baby.
It all happened when P went away for work over the weekend and I stayed at mum's. Since there's no crib there, T slept with me on my bed and rolled over in the middle of the night.
I never think anything can really seriously go wrong so didn't take enough precautions to safe guard the bed side and he fell flat on a bare marble floor.
I feel so guilty I could die. I keep thinking of the time when I woke up with his shrill screaming and the terrible thump I heard just before. I remember screaming out of fear and shock when I saw him lying on the floor.
I just want him to get better. It kills me to see him crawl in the way he does now, almost on 3 limbs, leaving the weight off his injured shoulder.

This and That....

So the last whole week was full of action. The lack of access to Internet has created quite a backlog on my blog but I have to start some time.. there is so much to tell...
First the wedding was great, had a fun time. Though it didn't start off too well. I found it hard to dress up and have any zest to attend the ceremonies. I was just so drained.. The fatigue was showing on my face and the inability to enjoy something I had been really looking forward to made me feel worse. Anyway, after one such disastrous evening, I decided to have a good night's sleep and then onwards it was great.
I finally wore my wedding lehenga and got a million compliments. That really made my day. P also got affected by that I think, he was his old romantic self and made us pose like the bride and groom to get some pictures taken. We always regretted not getting these pictures clicked on our wedding day so that's taken care of now... :)
The wedding ceremony was quite long and boring. It was a Kashmiri wedding much longer than the instant Punjabi wedding. So we finally got home the next morning.
After a lazy Sunday, P and I left T at Nani home and took off for a short break the next day..
More on that later...
I had 200 plus unread emails by the time I got back and most of them for the MTB baby shower. Please please anyone tell me whats happening there.. I'm clueless and I don't have it in me to read all the mails..

No one has it easy..

I spoke to this cousin of mine and actually she's a cousins wife but we get along quite well. The fact that we had babies withing weeks of each other and were together in pregnancy woes helped.

She always used to talk about quitting her job to bring up her baby earlier but has been extremely particular about keeping her job now after the baby. I always thought there was something odd about that and got to know the reasons today. The five months that she was home after the baby made her realize that she couldn't quit working. No she is not really an ambitious career woman. She just knows she can't live 24x7 with her mom-in-law. If she does she will loose her sanity.

Now the MIL is my aunt, my father's sister so I know she is just like my grand mother and so I know what she can do to her daughter in law from my mother's experience. Now this lady is so bossy, she can choke you with it. Its hard to refuse her for anything. Imagine living with her. It makes me gasp for breath.

The MIL takes care of the baby all day so that means the baby has to be brought up her way. The DIL didn't want to use a bottle to feed the baby but it didn't happen. The DIL didn't want to use diapers on the baby all day but obviously it was too inconvenient. The really weird part is that the son is made to believe that the baby is kept in cloth nappies all day by his mother. The only time that the MIL really feeds and cleans the baby herself is when the son is around and the rest of the time its up to the maid. I would have thought the DIL was paranoid if I didn't really know the MIL myself.

I really pity this poor girl. She has to work only because she can't stay at home. Her guilt for staying away from her baby is killing her but she knows that staying at home will result in so much frustration that she won't be able do justice to her baby.

Now the worst part is that she had a nice 6 hours of work arrangement with her boss at her current work place instead of 8 but thats over. The department she used to work for shut and she has to look for another job. That would mean longer hours of work and less time with the baby. She would not be able to get home by 5 pm to take her kid to the park anymore.

I suggested looking for a part time thing but there aren't any options. I feel terrible for her and suddenly my life seems like a cake walk in comparison.

Hot hai!!!

The famous first words after Ma and Ba that T learnt are "Hot Hai" (Its hot). No we are not trying to equip our little boy with phrases to admire women ;) .... It started off as a warning for him to not touch anything warm like the bed side lamp's bulb that he always went for or our tea mugs. But now it stands for anything dangerous that he's not supposed to touch like switch boards, etc.. Well.. we mean parents do manage to get kicks out of this and P is constantly getting T to say " Ma hot hai" ... lol...

For all the hard work...

Well... guess what, after my earlier rant about how tired I was and how I worked so hard all this week. My parents finally walk in and tell me that they think i don't put enough time at work. I start too late in the morning. Can you believe that?? I know I'm talking about my parents here but this is more than I can take. I have shed a lot of tears over the hurt that this caused me and now I'm plain angry.
My parents are not cruel to me or anything and I chose to work for my father when I had T for various reasons. But now I think it was all a big mistake. The main reason was that I always wanted to help my father with his work and give him some rest and peace of mind that he hasn't ever had. He is a hard working man who made a lot out of nothing by slogging all his life. I have always respected that and wanted to relieve him of some of the work burden and stress so he could have the time to enjoy what he has earned. I did not join him straight after finishing my studies because it seemed like the easy option then. I wanted to do something on my own, to prove to myself and to him that I was capable of surviving in the world and doing well. But I had always thought of helping him eventually.
As soon as I got pregnant, the time seemed right. I wanted the flexibility and the option of taking my baby to work. Also, I wanted less number of hours. This in no way meant that I wasn't serious about working. I have inherited his workaholic ways but I believe and fortunately have the choice to lead a more balanced life. I don't want to make a lot of money. I just like working.
Coming from a top fancy MNC to a business wasn't easy. I hated it initially and thought of quitting but didn't have the heart to do that to my father. I knew he was happy with my decision to join him. And most of my life has been about trying to please him. It was hard to deal with the kind of people that were there. Now about an year and a half later, I am finally more confident about my choice to work here. I know I am learning the trade well and am enjoying it. I am getting used to the idea of owning a business, of employing people, of building something. It felt good. I want to do so much. I want to change the old processes and most of all the way employees are treated. I realized I have a different way of working than my father and I thought it was working. I was hoping for some appreciation.
All this might seem strange to most people. And they might think why can't I just tell them all this. But I can't. I have never really had a real conversation with my parents. I don't know how to start now. Now, I just want to walk out of the whole thing but I wouldn't and couldn't do that. I just don't know how I will ever be able to come up to their expectations. I do my very best but I still fail miserably.

If I'm missing an eye....

you'll know who to blame... little T of course. He has this strange habit of sleeping with two fingers of his left hand in his mouth that he uses as a pacifier and the right hand has to constantly hold something like my eye or my nose. And P and I sport various cuts that his sharp nails mark us with at bed time. But we've tried everything else to put him to sleep. Nothing works other than this. Mommies please tell me what makes your little ones to be off to the land of nod???

I didn't realize I'd been away so long... Its been really busy around here. I actually pulled off a 6 day week at work after ages. Ever since I had T, I have never done more than 5 days a week and about 5-6hrs of work a day and honestly a lot of times its just 4 days a week. When I say work, I mean office work of course... otherwise you know the mommy duty never ends.
With my father away most of the week in the middle of the busiest times at work, I had to really slog. I have lost my stamina for working the way I did before T. I hope I can get that back once T doesn't need as much time as he needs now. Although I don't think that will happen till he starts school.
Other things keeping me busy were my pilates class that tires me out enough that I work at half my efficiency. Will write more about the class later.
And another wedding in the family. This is as close as its gets other than NC ofcourse :)... So had to get clothes ready, mine and T's. P of course doesn't believe in preparing a week in advance. We got nice kurtas stitched for T. Will post some pictures soon..
I feel so completely pooped right now. Just want to go home and sleep. I think I'll bunk work tomorrow since papa is back. I need a massage.