Raising T

Long .. Completely Random Rant...

2009-06-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

And I thought the blog maybe gone by now due to disuse but glad it hasn't. You know how something happens in the day and you think this would make an interesting post and string a few sentences or a title in your head and then blog about it as soon as you can so you can share it with the world or in my case more like get it out of your system and vent out the steam.
Well I haven't even had the time to sit back and notice whats happening in or around my world and that is why i have been away for soooo long. I wonder if someone still comes back looking for a new post or if i'm still on someone's feed?? Anyway... so of course a lot is going on. Its like I've jumped in a crazy torrent of water and its just carrying me away at an insane momentum and i'm just going along at this unbelievable pace, almost like sleep walking through it in a daze.
Basically I have bitten off more than i can chew and just testing my limits to how far I can go on like this. But honestly, I think I desperately need better .. much better time management skills..

About T, oh I wish I would have written about him regularly.. both to tell you how he's suddenly so much older in the last few months and to get lots of tips on handling these terrible terrible twos.. We celebrated his 2nd birthday about a month ago with a lovely (even though a little overcrowded and chaotic) party at home. He talks all grownup now and tries to string sentences in English , a change from mostly Hindi conversations we used to have with him. And hes learnt Nepali songs from the help and plenty of Bollywood too. His favourite thing at home is to dance in the little lobby at the centre of the house and sing improvised, mixed and then re-mixed songs and rhymes and bhajans.. He can be at this for hours. He is also more obsessed with airplanes and his little musical instruments than ever.
Other than that its just struggle to feed, to behave, to not throw things,etc ,etc.. which i'm hoping will go away sometime. I keep telling myself that its just a phase and because I see glimpses of my gentle sunny boy underneath all the horror... fingers crossed...
We are thinking about play schools but not very seriously yet, maybe by the end if the year..

Life is cluttered and scattered. I spend one week in every five weeks on campus for the management programme. The week spent there is so far away from real life back home that it seems imaginary or like a parallel life. There's a lot of studying.. long days full of lectures, followed by late evening assignment sessions and then some late night walks on campus and finally cups of green tea and conversation early into the morning. Then comes friday and the ritual student type partying with binge eating and drinking. The early morning flight back home on saturday is too short to cover the distance between the world that I leave behind and my reality that I'm so eager to embrace. To count a few blessings of the plenty that I have been bestowed with, my reality at home.. T and my pillar of strength P.. is so warm that it takes me a minute to forget all that I leave behind when I come home, and the parallel campus life.. I have found friends that I know are mine for life. They make it so much easier to handle my longing for home.
Work is going well. I am finally getting really interested and involved the way I wanted to. I think I'm getting obsessed with it. My thoughts have evolved a lot after some exposure to the management programme. The best part is that I can instantly recognize a mistake when I make one and that is such great learning. I finally have a clear vision atleast in terms of the current business.
The dream of building something of my own also seems real now, though I still dont know what its going to be or when its going to be. But whatever it is, its just a means to an end. And the end I'm very clear about. Though this post is anything but clear :)
I like to think of this cluttered, super fast phase of my life as a crazy rain storm. Once it ends, everything will fall in place and be all new and shiny and green. Its just really hard to explain to people around me and unreasonable to expect them to join me at the pace I'm going. So it gets lonely. Why some people have grown distant I understand but for some I don't. Just hoping that this will also fall in place when the storm blows over.. fingers crossed.. again .. :)

P.S: I am not reading the post for fear of deleting it instead of editing.. so bear with me..

Bleddyy men...

2009-03-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

Its not about husband ji .. I work in an extremely male-dominated area. I over came employee trouble with a woman boss with relative ease but of course took some time. It wasn't hard because I expected it. The employees come from low to lower middle income group, some graduates and some not even that. I knew it was hard for people with such limited exposure to accept a female boss.
We are basically dealers for a certain product. And there is a small but extremely competitive dealer community for this particular brand in Delhi. I had never interacted with any of these people in about 2 years of working with my father. Papa attended all the meetings and dealer meets and if he couldn't, no one would. I was very aware of the fact that he didn't want me to go out there and meet these people, but I knew this could not go on forever.
Finally an opportunity came when all the dealers were supposed to give an important presentation about their business to some important people from the parent company and papa could not make it due to some personal commitments, he informed them that I would prepare the requisite stuff and send it across so someone else can present it on our behalf (actually an uncle of mine who's also one of the dealers).

I worked very hard on the whole thing and once it was done, I couldn't bring myself to let anyone else present it. It was my hard work and about my business. So I somehow gathered courage (thanks for husband ji's constant pumping) and convinced papa that I had to do this myself.

So I went, and most people had a fair idea who I was, but bloody businessmen choose to ignore me. I met who I knew and sat quietly through most of the day. There was a Jap consultant from the parent company's side who was screwing everyone with questions and remarks about their business, none of which were polite. I was terrified. I went with shaking hands to finally present my thing to 20 men. It went well. The Jap send "Thank you" in the end and that was that. I went back to my seat and sat.

This was my first time there and so was my cousin's (the uncle's son). Everyone congratulated him for doing so well and welcomed him to the family. No of the dealers uttered one word to me or even acknowledge my presence.

I have faced such behaviour in my corporate career too and there also it took a lot to stand out and fit in. But it was somehow much worse here.

I couldn't resist so I went upto the Jap in the end to ask why he did not comment on my work. Can you believe his answer "oh.. you female...how can I?".. I was just stunned beyond words.

Here I slog and have managed to achieve the highest growth rate amongst all the dealers in our city and they don't let me participate on equal terms 'cos I am a female....

I was extreme hurt and decided to not stick to this line of business for long. But then why would I let a bunch of idiots scare me away. Let them not accept me now. They all know we are doing better than them. They will have to look my way sooner or later. I have done better than I expected or anyone expected in 2 years.. most of them spent in pregnancy and baby and home.. So nothing can stop me from reaching greater heights in the coming years. These people don't matter.

The good thing is that I formed a good rapport with the company people who matter and one of them even called papa to tell how well I had done at the meeting. I have papa's work ethics and rich experience to guide me. I have nothing to worry about..

I know this was more of an "affirmation exercise" than an interesting post.. But I am an insecure person and this helps ... :)

And a Tag..

2009-02-27T02:52:00.000-08:00

Can you believe this... barely a month since I'm back to studying and I'm already loking for ways to escape it :) .. And that is why I picked up this tag from facebook.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(1) I love writing things down and planning. I am a list person. So this list is going to be fun J
(2) I love to travel. Budget holidays or luxury holidays (but back-packing is not my thing).
(3) I love eating. I am very adventurous with food and love trying new cuisines.
(4) I am a reader. I can’t sleep without reading. Even at the busiest time in my life I manage to read something. I never ever travel without a book even if it’s just a day trip.
(5) I don’t like facial hair on men
(6) I can never travel light. I am prepared to be stranded in the middle of the now where and survive for a few days or attend the Oscars incase George Clooney suddenly invites me. It runs in my genes. (see that’s y I can’t back pack)
(7) I never plan my life beyond one year. But the current year is normally well planned.
(8) I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and everything finally falls in place. It always does for me.
(9) I am a hard worker.
(10) I always brush my teeth with my eyes shut until I realize what I’m doing and open them J
(11) I am a lot of fun after 2 drinks
(12) I love early mornings.
(13) I love walking.( I know I live in the wrong city)
(14) I give equal credit to my husband as to my parents to making me what I am
(15) I love bitter, dark chocolates, especially with mint.
(16) Music can move me to tears. Some bits with saxophone in Jazz, Spring in Vivaldi 4 seasons.(can’t believe Vivaldi is a spelling error in ms word)
(17) I am obsessive about not wasting time. I multi-task a lot.
(18) My secret ambition is to have flat toned abs and a diamond on my navel ;)
(19) I don’t know who I love more.. my baby, my sister or my husband
(20) I am doer. If something has to be done, it has to be done now, even if it’s the middle of the night.
(21) I am a good house keeper but a useless cook
(22) I never say never anymore (have learnt it the hard way)
(23) My favorite quote is “Give me a place to stand and I’ll fly everywhere”. Don’t know who it’s by, read it on one of those cheesy posters displayed on CP patris. It had a little bird standing on the edge of a tree branch.
(24) I can’t stand a mess.
(25) I strongly believe in following my instincts.

I don't know 25 people to tag so please feel free to tell me more about yourself.

To my dear little sister...

2009-02-26T01:59:00.000-08:00

I should have just written an e-mail to you but this is better.
I just saw your film and that funny feeling came creeping back. I had tears in my eyes and my heart swollen with something I can not describe. I was overwhelmed as always at your creativity, your sensitivity and your ability to express it all so well. I can see so much of the real you in your work.
I don't know if its motherly pride I feel or do all siblings feel this way at the other's success. I have a very good feeling about this film . I 'm so incredibly happy for you!!!

Phuket... lovely Phuket...

2009-02-18T23:53:00.000-08:00

This trip was supposed to spell closure in a way. We went here for a honeymoon almost 5 years ago and had never really thought we would go back.. Not because we didn't like it.. we had fun and it was an awesome place but somehow didn't seem like a place we would visit again when there are a million beach destinations to be done..

The years saw us craving it like chocolate ... we planned innumerable trips.. sometimes just us .. sometimes with friends... but it never worked out.. Finances became a problem.. then time and then came T (making both finances and time critical).

And then P surprised me with air tickets to phuket on my birthday.. we still weren't sure till the last day if we would make it . Murphy's law was completely at work and we kept dodging it with all our might... It turned out my parents were going out of town on the exact same dates and would not be able to keep T. So we changed the dates to suit them. Then T's favourite maid left. We found a good replacement but we knew T would not be as comfortable. And I really do feel guilty about it because the way we left was extremely un-parent like.. atleast not the kind of parenting we believe it but somewhere deep inside we both knew that we had to take this trip for us.. for just me and P.. and of course for the greater good of T.. He wouldn't want his parents to separate.. would he?? okay maybe that was exaggerated but really we just had to do this trip by ourselves...

And then we finally left for the airport, throwing caution to the winds.. The boarding began after the usual routine.. as soon as we were on the plane, we were told that fog was enveloping the airport and visibility was low, so dinner would be served till it got better and then we would be off.. Of course that never happens... so we had a nice thai dinner on the plane.. the strong lemon grass from the rice..enticing us with promises of a week of thai food ahead. Then we were promptly shown the door and packed off to a hotel to spend the night and await the morning flight. I tried to convince P that this was a sign and we should call it off to return to our little T's arms. P of course had more sense and decided to carry on.

We finally got to phuket 12 hrs later than planned. The flight inspite of everything was great fun. It was amazing to just be able to talk to P without the million interruptions that T brought.. pleasant ones for sure but interruptions nonetheless.

The next day saw us heading to our favourite haunts.. the Patong beach to buy some beach wear and then Karon. You have to see where we stayed. This place is a tropical paradise, we loved it the first time and were completed floored this time.. We rented an open jeep for our stay and drove around all of Phuket, the quiet
beaches, the really noisy ones, the old town and the party places.

I distinctly remember hating the smell of beer that last time but this time I couldn't resist it. We behaved liked crazy drunks and started drinking bear at noon. Actually it was more me than husband ji :)

I vaguely recall saying things like.. "Beer has to be the best thing in the afternoon" and got a nice whack on my back from husband ji. To the husband's polite enquiry of ordering a coke with an evening snack.. my reply was.." coke? why?? aren't we still in Phuket".

The mornings were spent lazing at the beach.. eating.. drinking.. swimming.. and reading. You won't believe how much reading I got done in 6 days.. it was fantastic.. the husband not being a great reading fan indulged in water sports and let me be :)

The evenings meant long drives around spirally roads running parallel to the ocean.. The sunsets on that island are stuff dreams are made of. The sun really just melted into the sea and the sky turns hues of reds and blues that I haven't seen anywhere. Then came dinner.. sometimes a fancy restaurant over looking the sea with pitchers of Margaretas.. and some on shacks along the beach.. feet dipped in white sand.. under trees blowing in the soft breeze. We are nuts about Thai food and the street food here is the best. We gorged on grilled fish stuffed with lemon grass, prawns with basil, pineapple rice, green and red curries and my favourites phad thai and larb koi.. We stuffed ourselves like pigs and then spent the rest of the evenings at bars chatting up other tourists and more drinking.

If you have been to Thailand you would have heard of the famous lady-boys. If not, the name should give you a fair idea. A street cutting right across the famous patong beach is their hangout. I got the cultural shock of my life the first time I entered this street 4 years ago. This time.. well.. to be honest it still got to me but not enough to stop me from having a good time. The street is lined by pubs and bars on both sides. Lady-boys dancing on table tops... on poles.. on whatever surface they could. Tourists thronging the streets and the pubs.. crazy loud music.. and a lot of foreign men.. all shapes and sizes and ages walking hand in hand ( and sometimes something more) with local girls or lady-boys, basically escorts. This is the part that gets to you at times and so do the numerous people going around with pictures, trying to get you to their night club to watch awful, sadistic (erotic to some) acts. Anyway... the night life here is an experience. It's like the sin city.

On a happier note, we bonded plenty over all this fun and went for wonderfully relaxing spa treatments. The hotel spa was gorgeous with an outdoors plunge pool overlooking the sea. I've seen some really fancy Indian spas in Delhi and even Goa and boy do they have a long long way to go.

The hotel pool was another favourite hangout since both of us love the water. Another favourite activity were midnight strolls on the beach under the sparkling moon. The final late night or rather early morning haunt was the 24 hour ice-cream place, so it was minty chocolate chip and mocha ice creams in big waffle cones.. It's a miracle we didn't put on any weight.

One funny thing is that even the shortest clothes you possess seem long there and everyday sees you shedding some more (swear it wasn't just me.. it was all around me :) .. ) . And one really sad thing to note was that the Thai people (atleast the ones we came in contact with ) were not as friendly as the last time, infact some were really rude like this young lady (not sure if I can call her a lady) who owns the silver jewellery shop at patong right where you enter Soi Bangla (the party street), was so rude and abusive. Do not go to that store if you happen to be in the area. Maybe this had something to do with being the high season and too much business but it was disappointing.
PS: And like the last time I wore a bikini, in spite of the added tyres :)

Mamma Big Bolo...

2009-01-29T23:28:00.000-08:00

..was meant for me when I was softly humming a song while dressing T up.. he meant mamma sing louder..

Now that T is talking more than all of us put together, gems like these keep rolling out that little talkative mouth of his...

On tripping over a rug and falling .. "oh ram ji.. kiripa karo ji".. followed by a long sigh..obviously imitating his nani..

Our baby language is being corrected these days with .. "mamma khab nahi bolte.. kharab bolte hai"..

"papa ticks nahi bolte.. esticks bolte hai"

A typical saturday at home, me in track pants and shabbily tied hair. T comes up to me .. points to a nice picture of me on the laptop and says.. "mamma smarty bano..." with a tug at my bun ...

Pheww... dressing up for the father was one thing.. now this little one can't stand tied hair on me either...

It's so cold here...

2009-01-24T22:40:00.000-08:00

I thought we had thawed ourselves in Phuket for good.. but I guess not.. it will take more than a perfect holiday to do that..

This is a distress call...

2009-01-20T04:02:00.000-08:00

I have never enjoyed a holiday more or felt more guilt for it. We got back a week ago and life has been in a turmoil. The maid trouble has finally been sorted out but T is just not himself. We left a darling little T at nani home and he's transformed into something I don't recognize at all. I should never have left him and gone off. But the holiday did us a lot of good. Touch-wood!!

Anyway, so T is a changed person. He bites and scratches people when he doesn't get what he wants. He cries at the smallest of things. And worst of all he just doesn't eat. It's like I've completely lost all that I achieved with my hard-work of 20 months in 6 days. The behavioural aspect I'm hoping will sort itself out in a while but the eating part I'm most worried about.

He used to eat everything that I put on his plate, all green vegetables, lentils, everything. For the last week, I haven't been able to put more than 3 spoons of anything in his mouth and he hasn't stayed in the high chair for more than 5 mins.

I can't stop blaming myself for letting him being fed my the maid so often (this is the one who left), but you know how kids eat better with everyone other than their mums and dads.

I'm clueless. I've exhausted all the tricks I know. He's a little unwell too. All the mommies out there... Please Help...

So I'm on a roll today...

2009-01-04T23:14:00.000-08:00

I can't stop writing :)..

But this is just to point to an update on T which I have not been able to put down due to a major paucity of time. But NC helpfully wrote about T and her trip here and here.. so read on if you wish...

New Year update...

2009-01-04T22:49:00.000-08:00

Okay so I started blogging last year with a list of new year resolutions for 2008 and lets see how I've fared before moving to the next set...

I will blog - I started and gave up too many times for various reasons but now i have been convinced by my sister that this is the ultimate means for nirvana and I believe her.. so here I go.

Okay.. Well I did keep this up, definitely not as much as I would have liked to but I'm happy that I haven't completely given it up and this space comes to my rescue at times when I have no one else. That's what this was meant to be. I would have liked it to be a record of T's life like most mommy blogs are but it never turned into that. It has been kind of a journal for me to vent out and I'm glad its there.

I will be me - I haven't been myself in a long time or maybe ever.. I've always been sort of this other person, bending backwards for people I don't even like. This needs to change. In fact that gets me to the next point ...I need to shed the unnecessary baggage of people I don't like or get along with and instead spend my time & energy on people who would really mean something to me and I to them.

This has also been taken forward to quite some extent. I have left behind some "extra baggage" .. some cut off completely.. some emotionally.. and I feel lighter. I have to keep working on this though, such habits are hard to break. I still am a little dysfunctional in relationships because of the past and have to really force myself to be what I really am and not just try to fit in.

Now coming to more personal things.. I really want to work on my relationship with P. His work and the baby have been hard on our relationship. Things are better now but I want to give him more.. time.. respect.. happiness..

Okay with P, it's much better than it was this time last year but still a work in progress. That's how a marriage has to be right...

I wont say I want to be a better mom, that is the one thing I am committed to 100% and don't know how to do it any better.

Well.. here I want to change somethings now. I want to make more time for T.

Another very important thing that makes me very guilty is my inability to give more time and commitment to work. This is something I can change by better time management and I will.

This has changed a lot since last year. I work many more hours than what I did earlier and have much more responsibility now. So this seems to have been covered successfully.

Of course, the usual the suspect of loose more weight is also up in the list..

Does losing inches count?? I have lost quite a few inches and can wear most of my old clothes and I 'm not too unhappy with the way I look now. But enough weight hasn't been knocked off yet.. so we carry this forward to next year...

And that is that again.. Will continue with the new list for 2009 soon..

For now we're off to the sunny beaches of Phuket.. for a honey moon repeat :)

Domestic woes...

2009-01-04T22:41:00.000-08:00

It might seem bizarre to start the year with a post on domestic help but if you agree with me on the topic you will realize how appropriate it is. Obviously a lot has happened since I last wrote, NC’s action packed visit, I turned 27 on the 27Th of last month and we all stepped into a new year.. but all that later.

First you need to know about a big disruption in my otherwise peaceful domestic life. My maids left. One of them was supposed to leave and I can’t say I was sorry about that but the other.. let’s say my woman Friday just left. Without any notice. She took a day off to celebrate Christmas and never came back. I found out later from my 1 year something old baby that..” didi shadi hoga..”… (Didi will get married).. so I was elated to find out that she had the decency to inform her ward … well… not really.

I admit I am completely dependent on my domestic help. Otherwise my life comes to a standstill. I have to have a perfectly clean house, washed clothes, no dirty dishes in the sink and home cooked food for every meal. I would make sure me and my family would have this even if it meant toiling through the night. I would fret and complain but I would get it done. But after the baby, domestic help does not only ensure having all of that done but is the only way that I can get to work every day.

So now when a maid leaves, I panic, I get a nervous attack because it could mean skipping work for a long time, once even a whole month, till appropriate help is found and trained and baby T gets adjusted to.

What prompted this post was not that I was deserted by my precious helpers a week or so ago but how P just doesn’t get it. His reaction at my panic attack was incredible. He thought I had lost it.. which I had but I believe I had a very valid reason to that.

Since that day he has been trying to tell me that I panic needlessly, since we found help soon after. What he doesn’t realize is that we were just plain lucky this time and we’ve seen much worse. He thinks I’m a freak to react the way I do.

In fact we got home after a long tiring day today and he realized that the water pump had been left on much longer than needed. Wastage of any sort and the prospect of paying huge electricity bills really pisses P off and he completely blew his top off at this.. almost screaming at the girls. I kept shushing him but to no avail. I really had another panic attack thinking they’d just get up any minute and walk off.. And again at seeing my face loose colour he told me to get a grip on myself. It astonishes and saddens me that he just doesn’t understand my situation.

I want to do a lot in life. That’s the person I am. I want to productively work and earn my living. I need to socialize. I need to read. I need to take care of my baby in the way I deem fit. I know people abroad bring up babies without help and there’s nothing wrong with that. But living where I live and knowing that I don’t have to be away from my baby even when I work and also that I don’t have to give up work to be with my baby, why should I not want it all. It’s not easy I know, but this is the only way it works for me. And to do it all I need good help. I don’t believe in letting the help bring up my baby for me as a lot of people do (not sure if they realize it though) but I do need another person to help me bring him up and work full time. I know I’m extremely lucky to have a family business and a set-up where I can take T with me to work everyday. But I want someone to watch him around the office, play with him and keep him occupied when I’m busy. To feed him lunch if I’m stuck in a meeting. It’s great to know that he’s just in the next room. I could have never dealt with the guilt that comes with leaving your baby home to go to work. I know every working mother feels it and it’s terrible. I quit my job to join this business precisely for this reason. And now I have enrolled myself for post graduate programme in business management for this year. It will be mostly distance learning but I will have to travel to another city once in a while for a number of days. So having good help at home and for the baby is the only way I can accomplish this new target.

I know I will have a million balls up in the air and its going to need a lot of courage to handle all this but I’m ready. But I also know even if no else does that I can not do it without good helpers. So here’s hoping that the new year brings me better luck with my household help and also to everyone else who’s as dependent on them as I am.

All I need to start a day with a big smile is...

2008-12-10T01:21:00.000-08:00

.. T hugging me early morning and saying "Good maama"...

.. spotting one of my nicest pictures as the desktop on P's new laptop ...

.. counting days for NC to land here .. only 9 days to go...

.. planning a weekend trip with friends..

.. early morning yoga.. :)

2008-11-26T23:51:00.000-08:00

My birthday last year was sadly marked by this and now P's birthday was marked by the attack on posh Mumbai. I am shocked, sad and angry. I don't claim to be very well- informed on politics or the great issues facing this world .. All I have are these questions...

Why did the top cops who could lead the operation with their strategic planning, have to go and get killed in the encounter? What were they thinking? How does this work, aren't there rules for such seniors to handle such situations from the back with their brains .. instead of making martyrs of themselves?

Has the present Indian government been too soft on terrorists? Should Afzal have been hung long ago?Is it time for BJP to come to power and what has our country come to that the hateful BJP hardliners seem to be the only way to go?

What's wrong with all these people? Why can't we all WAKE UP and change the world? What is a Hindu.. a Muslim... people divided for a God no one has seen?

Will Obama save the world?

Last of all...

Is Raj Thackery alright with north India forces coming to his beloved Mumbai's rescue?
Stop dividing us.

Happy thoughts..

2008-11-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

... After this lovely picnic.. we hadn't had enough of each other and followed Chandu and others to her home for a game of Taboo.. The hour that we had decided to leave after, flew unnoticed into another.. and we realized we had to head home to T who was finally up after a long nap. Both P and I didn't feel like leaving the party and I thought of asking everyone to move the party to our place. But Chandu and her Boy had made preparations for dinner and everyone was having such a good time that I hesitated. The darlings that these people are, they themselves offered to move the party to our place.. carried the uncooked chicken and the beer and the game and had a lovely impromptu dinner at our place.. This is such a lovely change from the stuck-up, hung-up people we have always been around..

.. Tomorrow is P's birthday. I wanted to do something extra special to snap us out of the complicity that has set in our relationship.. And guess what.. everything is finally in place.. the surprises unfold tomorrow.. so wait till then to read about it all..

T's curiosity..

2008-11-24T23:24:00.000-08:00

never seems to end these days.. Every new thing, from a tiny screw on the side of his cot to pictures of strange animals in his baby books is subjected to curios inspection followed by "ee kaa hai mamma?" (what is this mamma?)..
I was sure this question will pop up sooner or later but it came much sooner than later..
The latest this morning on the breakfast table was..
T: "ee ka hai mamma?" pointing to the ugly little pimple popping on the side of my nose :(
Me: "ummm... mamma oui hua" (mamma's hurt here)
T: "Mamma face pe 1...2...3... 4... 5... balls" helpfully counting the baffling occurrence of pimples on my face ..
and making sure we start our day with a big laugh...

What does really happen to relationships?

2008-11-16T09:02:00.000-08:00

The huge gap in expectations widens by the day. The time and urge to talk and sort it out weakens.
I am not cynical enough (as yet) to profess or admit that there is an expiry date to every relationship. To admit that every marriage eventually fizzles out in 2,3 or 4 years is to admit defeat. There has to be a reason and a solution. I believe that I am in control of my life but everything is so hazy right now. I don't know where to go from here.

I just hope I find some way out before this weight of disappointment crushes my optimism.

2008-11-13T00:54:00.000-08:00

This is a tough post to write but I just read Chandni's post and felt terrible. It actually made my eyes water. Chandni's Boy and my P are out on a photography trip. P being away a couple of years ago used to make me feel the same way as Chandni does now. Infact I didn't even deal with it so well. I would miss P so much that anything other than a work realated trip would mean a flow blown fight and cost P a lot to make up for it. It's so different now.

He's been gone a day and all we've had since then are 3 conversations on the phone.. not a minute longer than the usual all's well.. no messages.. and oddly enough I haven't felt the need.
I have been happy with the time I finally have to myself.. I painted my nails.. took a longer bath than usual.. sorted my clothes.. caught an old favourite movie on TV. All was well till I read Chandni's blog and realized something was amiss..

Its probably nothing more than the general lack of time for myself.. with work and T and so much to do around the house, there's no room to miss P. Also, since P works from home a lot these days, I never go back home and have the house to myself, he is mostly there.. I think I crave that space. We see too much of each other. That is an odd sentence.. I'm sad for us.. I could have never thought of ending up like this a couple of years ago..and here I am.. not missing P and feeling misearable for it all the same ...

2008-11-13T00:42:00.000-08:00

T was watching this on my laptop while I ate lunch.. he confidently kept pointing to the screen now and then and screaming out different alphabets.. the "double - oo" came before the "dee" .. so obviously he didn't know one from the other.. he just recognizes ABCD and then the rest of it he hums as a song..

Then suddenly he realized that I could see the screen too.. he turned around .. smirked.. and then started pointing out the "balloons"and "stars".. shapes that he really knows instead of the alphabets he was faking .. He already takes mommy for a fool.. :)

T's first pet..

2008-11-11T03:42:00.000-08:00

is a lovely glass bowl with two gold fish gifted by G ma and Dadu. He loves it and wants to sit on the top of counter right next to the bowl. He screams "Hi fishy" right in the bowl and scares the poor fish. He desperately wants the fish to talk back or something so he's constantly blowing (more like spiting) in the bowl.

Last night we put the bowl on the dining table so he would eat properly and the fish were promptly rewarded by some left over soup. We saved them from the bits of bread just in time.

His favourite rhyme for now is ...

Machli jal ki naani hai...

jeeka uska paani hai..

haath.. dallllll..

bahaar.. mallll....

Ek monkey tha...

2008-11-03T00:24:00.000-08:00

pakata phuta...
crakers tha.. green.. orange.. pink.. tha..
phir ka hua..
terrace pe gaya....
wow.. pretty...

I know it doesn't make much sense but it is the first story T has learnt to tell.. some of it from the stories we tell him and some of it his own.. :)
I'm sure there are many more to come..
Are they really supposed to be talking so soon and so much??? I surely won't be able to keep up with him at this pace..

On a car ride back home..

2008-10-24T05:05:00.001-07:00

.. anyone noticed this monstrosity at the AIIMS flyover.. these big steel blobs shooting up out of no where.. i wonder what it is?? ... a bored babu's money making scheme... a modern artist's representation of global warming.. whatever it is ... it's ugly...
and there are more of them.. many more.. smaller and uglier.. like an army of aliens had just landed to take over our land...
Please enlighten me... someone....

... "advertising has never been this close to reality" screams a billboard on the South Ex bus stop.. it advertises the "Republic of Chicken" outlet right behind ... amusing... and smart I think :)

A Happy Anniversary to us..

2008-10-23T03:59:00.000-07:00

We turned 4 as a couple on the 20th of Oct. It has been a rock and roll ride but a fun one.

I took a quick trip to Benetton to pick up a hurriedly chosen gift. I had almost decided to skip a gift this year, I had no time or energy to plan anything thoughtful but then I just couldn't bring myself to break this tradition. I was sure this is how it all starts, first you stop surprising each other with little gifts and then you stop caring for each other..

So anyway.. here I was with my gift in place and pretty sure that P didn't have anything for me thats when the surprise came knocking on the door.. actually ringing the bell on my door.. a lovely bunch of white flowers and a bottle of champagne with a little note saying "We'll always have Paris" ... Casablanca fans would know what I'm talking about and there's a personal story behind this phrase and our trip to Paris a couple of years ago.. that will be told another time...

So I was thrilled but sure that this was it and was happily planning my day at work and maybe a dinner later. Honestly, I hate going to work on a special day like this so I was a little peeved. This was the first time in 4 years that we were in town, every other year we used to go out for a short vacation.. but this year had been really busy. I was about to enter my bath when this strange lady walked into the house with a big basket. This was P's big surprise.. a home spa treatment.. 3 blissful hours of Thai massage and scrubbing :)..

A lovely dinner at a posh hotel followed in the evening with great red wine. I finally got to wear the really low back orange top that had been lying unused for so long..

On a more serious note, I'm glad this year is over. It has been the toughest year in our married life as yet. We went through a lot. We have been furthest from each other this year and oddly enough the closest too. I'm proud of us for surviving this time. And I'm hoping against hope hopen that the worst is over... fingers crossed...

On the eve of Karva chauth

2008-10-16T03:01:00.000-07:00

Another important day is almost here. Tomorrow I celebrate Karva Chauth, the only married-woman thing that I do. I don't wear a bindi on my forehead, or a mangalsutra around my neck. I don't wear vermilion in the parting on my hair or even bangles.. yes I mostly prefer the uncluttered look and rarely adorn myself with any kind of jewellery.. to my mother's horror, my wrists are bare most of the time (confession: I carry bangles in my bag most times to be prepared for encounters of the motherly kind).
Then comes this day once a year when I do all of this. As with Navratras and most festivals, this is more about nostalgia and preserving a family tradition than pleasing any Gods or elongating my husband's life (he will have to join a gym for that).
This day has such a dramatic, romantic feel to it. For all the years that I can remember, the preparations for this festival began a week or so before the day. Mamma started worrying about what to wear and promptly went saree shopping. So I don't know if this happens in every home but in my home, we buy a new saree every year... :)

The day before was reserved for shopping. Colorful glass bangles and puja things, applying henna on hands. Then dawned the day of Karva Chauth. It was actually one of those very few days in the year when I would see dawn. We would all wake up at 5 in the morning and join mamma to eat her morning meal. The huge spread consisted of gobhi paranthas, sweets, custard apples, almonds, sweet seviya, etc, etc.. And one of us kept running out to the balcony, straining the neck to check if the stars were still visible in the deep blue sky, for the fasting started as soon as the stars vanished and the new day began. How can I forget the final course of this grand meal.. one capsule of B complex vitamins and a paracetamol swallowed with one last glass of water.

Mamma spent most of the day in bed. When the time for the evening puja came, she adorned herself with the new saree and heavy jewellery that finally got to see the light of day. After the puja, we all collected at our grand mother's place and had glasses of fresh fruit juice. This was one respite that our grand mother offered to her daughter-in-laws. The time after the puja was the worst part of the day for my mom, the wait for the moon to rise, thirst increasing every minute. Papa would be back home from work by this time and try to pacify her foul mood and keep running to the terrace looking for the moon.

When the yellow moon finally rose, we ran up to the terrace... puja things and all.. mamma held up the sieve and saw the moon through its mesh and finally touched papa's feet. Papa always surprised her with an expensive gift.

Why this long ballad on my mother's Karva Chauth?? Well mine is quite similar too.. other than a few changes. I try not to stay home and keep active and busy so I don't think of food or water and I don't touch P's feet. I just can't. It somehow signifies a difference in status in a marriage and that's just not how it is for us. We are equals. And most important of all, P has never gotten around to getting me a gift for all the starving that I do for his sake. Maybe touching of feet has something to do with it ... :)

I'm all set for tomorrow. My hands running on the keyboard look pretty with henna, the earthy, warm fragrance gives me a high. Shopping done, the new saree is at the dry cleaners for ironing. Its a red-beige printed tussar, subtle by Karva Chauth standards so I've teemed it with a hot red zardozi choli. The jewellery is out of the bank locker.. the choices are either gold or red kundan. Any ideas?

How many times ..

2008-10-15T01:28:00.000-07:00

do I start writing and give up half way... millions.. the number of unpublished posts in my list are so much more than the ones you get to read.. I write about something important and it reads so lame that I give up.. just like I'm about to now..

The joys of motherhood..

2008-10-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

T finally managed to keep me home by falling sick. He was running high fever last night so obviously going to work was out of question. On days like these I realize the importance of not being in a regular job. Though I have been labeled a dukandaar by P.

I'm glad I stayed home. T is much better now after a visit to the doctor.
Isn't motherhood totally worth it when your baby spends an hour playing with your tummy. The tummy which no one else will look at and abs is just not the right word for it anymore. It is a soft, cushiony lump of fat that little T loves to sleep on and press as if kneading dough (so you can picture how much fat there is) while I make funny faces and noises much to his delight.

Then we spent half an hour looking for "meetha dai" (sweet homeopathic medicine) that T and spilt all over the bed. We scouted for every last little ball on the bed... with T chirping along.. "Meetha dai kaha gayi.. dhundu dhundu" (where is the sweet medicine.. search..).

The evening was spent at the Deer Park that T adores and then we headed out to look for "Ravanas" around town. Most of the usual places where the Ravana effigies were burnt till last year were surrounded by construction work. So the tall structures we spotted from a distance were either Delhi Metro pillars or some huge machine building a flyover. After much scouting we finally spotted the mighty Ravana with his two companions. T took some time to take it all in and was finally excited to bits.. Infact we plan to go early morning tomorrow for another look before it all burns down..

Conversation with P this morning...

2008-10-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

Me: I am getting late for work..

P: So what is it that you really do at work?

Me: Well, I work..

P: But what work?

Me: I attend customers, make sure my staff is attending them well, solve problems, etc..

P: So you have turned into a proper Dukandaar (shop keeper)

Me: (a bolt of lightning hit me) yes I have :(
I'm not a sassy ERP consultant at a big corporate anymore.. I am a dukandaar..

I need a break...

2008-10-06T02:25:00.000-07:00

Now I know how far I've come from the days of slogging in a corporate. Its hard to see how I could have pulled off 14-15 hour work days till barely a couple of yours ago.

A 9 hour work day kills me now. I've been very busy lately, working holidays and Sunday too. And T has been staying home with P or nani for more than a week now which means I've hardly had anytime with him and I miss him like crazy. I haven't been away from him so much other than the long American holiday.

I am with him everyday after work but its too little, I miss his entire day and I hate that. By the time I get home, he's too busy in his games with papa or with the maids and I feel like an outsider.. :( .. silly, insecure mother that I am...

I am enjoying working hard after a long time but can't wait for all this to be over so I can go back to the old routine where T is with me at work. I especially cherish the long drives to and back from work when we sing and talk and its uninterrupted T and me time..

Uhh... I miss you little T.. and here's what I keep looking at.. chotu singh.. the little brat..

I know I can't and won't ever quit work but I keep on dreaming about the long break that I would take and spend long lazy days just with T and P at home, doing nothing. Weekends are just not enough with the long lists to chores to fit in. I will definitely take a few days off after work eases out a little and just stay home with T.

Jungle Tales..

2008-10-01T01:21:00.000-07:00

This post is due from April.. had written it immediately after the trip but somehow completely forgot to sumbit it. I found it today while going through the list.

So the short, impulsive trip took us to a national park. We left early morning and had an amazing drive. I always put together a chicken, pasta salad for such journeys. Its a filling meal and makes the pit stops short. It started off when once P and I had some people over for dinner the night before we were leaving for a holiday and I packed the left over salad to see us through breakfast. Its become a tradition now. I pack it in two or three little boxes so its easy to eat out of it in the car. And dump it in the ice box so its stays refreshingly cool.

So P drove and I ate, then I drove and he ate and we made it to our destination in record time. Since we started early and missed all the traffic, we weren't tired at all and anyway one look at our hotel shot our spirits through the roof.

As we drove through one last bend in the hills, the lush green lawns and bright blue swimming pool of the hotel beckoned. The lawns ended in the stony beach and then the beautiful river. surrounded by little hillocks. We chose to stay in a tent instead of a room since we didn't have T with us. This the funny thing about having a baby, when he's not with us, we do things that we wouldn't normally have done. What I mean is that it has made me more adventurous and impulsive. Since I know doing things a certain way is not possible with T around, I try to live to the maximum when he's not with me.

So we had lunch, then a long dip in the pool and then we set of to see this other place.

Now this was an expensive fishing resort that we wanted to stay at initially but the tariff was completely beyond us so we took the next best thing and decided to just visit the place to find out what the fuss was about. Now this place is accessible only on foot across a little hillock or in a jeep by wading through the shallow river. We thought of testing our trusty SUV through the river since P loves these adventurous off-roading drives. So we convinced one of the local hotel staff to accompany us and set off. We crossed the first stretch of the river fairly easily and then a second, by the third P was over confident and just went a bit too fast and ended up on a wrong patch and of course we got stuck. Now the SUV seems quite dependable on city roads where you park it on side walks if no parking is available but in the midst of a river was another ball game altogether. It is not a four wheel drive so we just kept going lower and lower on revving it up and finally reached the river bed. The water would enter everytime we would open a door. P and the local dude struggled to put stones under the wheels and I was driving, actually trying to move it somewhere. Nothing worked for about half an hour. It got dark. The local decided to run back to the hotel to get help and we waited. It was the scariest time of my life. We were right in the middle of the river. The engine had to be kept running, cos shutting it off would have meant risking the water entering the exhaust pipe. Thank god we had topped up the fuel. We could see forest fires on the opposite hill top. The river gushing all around us. It was spooky.

Then we saw a jeep approaching through the river on the other side. First thought was relief, then fear. P made me hide on the back seat and I took of the little jewellery i wore. The jeep approached us tentatively. We waited with bated breath. P flicked the car's light to sign the jeep to stop and help, nothing happened, then P put the window down and screamed out that we were stuck. The jeep inched forward and entered our side of the stream. We could now see a lone driver in the car, I felt better and rose from the hiding position. The jeep took a wide turn into the stream and just went through it at the farthest point possible, crossed the river and went on to solid ground and drove away with P left screaming for help. We couldn't stop laughing at the thought that we scared the poor guy probably on his way to get provisions for the other resort or something . But the weirdest thing was that the kind of distrust we have for fellow humans now. We were stranded in the middle of the river and the guy didn't even stop to ask why were we there. Or did he think it was a pleasure picnic at that hour in the middle of the river with water reaching above the foot rests of the car doors. So anyway, after a half hour's wait, the local guy got back with a jeep and six more men. They moved our car in under a minute.

The adventure did not end here though. The next morning started with an early morning jaunt to the fishing sites that were more easily accessible. P managed to catch quiet a few but of course we released them back into the water. The region is a Mahaseer conservation area and only angling is allowed with a permit and only in the presence of a government guide. P's obsession with fishing holidays suits me fine, all the time he fishes, I sit on a shady corner on the bank with cool drinks and a book and enjoy the quiet and of course the beautiful views that most such places offer. So the morning was spent this way.

The afternoon took us inside the national park. It wasn't season time so only a handful of jeeps were parked at the entrance waiting for the gates to be thrown open.We went cruising in an open jeep at 3 in the afternoon, under the scorching sun only to spot a few herds of deer and some jungle fowl. Sweaty and disappointed we were waiting to turn back when suddenly the alert jeep driver spotted a wild elephant that too a male tusker. We headed closer. P with his camera ready got all excited. As we went closer the big guy just turned around and started moving in our direction. P and the driver realized it was mast (in its mating period i think) and hence could actually charge at us. I freaked. The jeep kept going forward, P clicked away happily, the elephant closing in and I was screaming under my breath (yes its possible to scream like that when a wild animal is a few meters away). Fortunately P was happy with the pictures he took and asked the driver to turn back. Heres one of them.

So then we were finally heading back, content with the conquest. As we got close to the park exit, we saw a jeep ahead turn around and head back full throttle, the people screaming "Tiger, Tiger.. choti something something...". So we turned around as well with screeching breaks, bumping backs and baited breath.

By the time we reached there were a bunch of jeeps surrounding the said spot with screaming aunties and yelping children. The tiger had ofcourse fled into the surrounding bushes. We spotted the stripes and then as of to put an end to all the commotion, the animal got up and strode away majestically deep into the jungle, in full view of the screaming crowds.
A great performance.

Somehow seeing the tiger culminated the trip and we didn't have an appetite for anything else, just headed back to the hotel and back home the next morning.

Navrataras...

2008-09-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

How is it that I can not bring myself to type out a word when I'm absolutely free (vella is the apt hindi word here) and can't tear myself away from the blog when I'm in the middle of one of the craziest weeks at work??

Firstly about yesterdays post. It looks like its blown over though not sure of the consequences as yet.

So this is about the ongoing Navrata festival. I don't fast for nine days but I do give up non-vegetarian food and refrain from the consumption of alcohol. Every time I do this , especially since the time I got married and moved out, I think about the reason that pushes me to follow this ritual.

Strangely it is not religion or spirituality. I come from an extremely religious and spiritual family and I consider myself spiritual too but I've always stayed miles away from rituals. What this means is that faith runs deep in my veins, I believe in the existence of the Almighty. I address Him by the name I'm used to since childhood. I think of Him very often everyday. I visit the temple occasionally. My spiritual connection is a very important part of my life and helps get me through the tough phases in life. This is all there is to it.

I do not believe fasting will get me any closer to God. I do not believe that giving up meat or alcohol proves my faith. I certainly don't believe 9 days twice a year are enough to prove my faith if it needs to be proved.

The other widely claimed reason for people abstaining in Navratras is, health. They think these forced days of eating Satvik food will cleanse their systems. It is a good way to detoxify. Well, to each his own but again not for me. If I have to detoxify or feel the need to stop eating something after indulging excessively, I just do. No mater what time of the year.

After all this soul searching, I realize that I follow the Navratras for the sake of tradition. This being a tradition that carries sweet memories for me . No one is forcing it on me, I just choose to continue what I saw in my parents home for years and want it to be a part of my household and my children's lives. I enjoy the festivity that came with it. I cherish the days of Kanjak to culminate the Navratras. The halwa, puri - cholay and eating them for all three meals since there was always so much of it. The pooja where Mamma Papa would wash our feet and of all the other girls present for the puja. To wear something pink or red on that day (and some years black just to rebel :) ). I want to carry it on in some way and pass those memories to my children. This time of the year and these little rituals fill me with a warm, cosy felling of being in your parents home, of dressing up and gifts. I'm so looking forward to this whole month of festivals.
So wishing you all a lot of festivities and happiness ...

2008-09-30T01:26:00.000-07:00

Why why do I do this to myself??? I tell myself to grow up and be more prudent and then go back to square one. This need to put everything in place and everyone in place spells doom every time. I can only pray the consequences dont hit us as hard as it looks right now.. Thank God for P being calm and supportive as always otherwise I would be packing my bags.

I wish I could just turn back time and undo this mess..

Up 'a te te ..

2008-09-01T04:48:00.000-07:00

That means "up and down" in T speak these days and it really means that P should pick him up and throw him in the air and sing " Up and down and up and down..."

The change in his verbal prowess has led to a lot of ordering around now..

Conversation with the dog -

"doey (zoey) seet (sit)" with a strong finger pointed at the poor dog even though she is sitting.

"doey hoto(hato- move aside)" with the wave of a hand..

Conversation with mommy -

"maama andh (hand) " asking for my hand " baal (bahar- outside)"..

At the high chair "maama bas , bye" (maamma enough.. now go away.. bye)

When P left for work he told T to take care of mamma and be the "Man of the house".. T would repeat every word but soon enough it becomes "Man of on the house".. since off/on is the new favourite repeat morning to night phrase :)

Here's the little baldie trying to sleep with the dog..

rock on Rock On...

2008-09-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

A rocking weekend after ages. P being on a major making up spree surprised me with tickets for Rock On at PVR Gold class. The movie is better than most I've seen. Urban and real. The actors have done a fabulous job. Finally real actors, not afraid to experiment be it hairstyles or characters. The music sticks on. I have been humming it for two days now. The lyrics are amusing and the music really catchy. I am no critic but seriously couldn't find a flaw in the entire length of the film. P has been singing since then in an attempt to convince me that he too is a rock star in the making like the movie folks.
The Gold Class experience is also highly recommended especially if the frequency of watching films at the theatre is as low as ours. Only thing they lack is blankets. It gets cold and you really need a blanket to snuggle in the lazy boy.
In the evening we decided to party and go someplace real nice. So we landed at the Ashoka in the midst of an unexpected downpour. The valets refused to park any cars since they had run out of parking, I gave up and wanted to go back home. P was more motivated and drove to the other side of the hotel, dropped me at the porch, got drenched and then dragged me all around the hotel to finally reach the F Bar and Lounge. The place was already swinging at 11PM. The music was not really my kind though P enjoys it. I was craving for some Rock On. The drinks we were sure were watered down. I get buzzing in one beer and I had 3 drinks. That normally leaves me pretty high. Not here though, I could tell P which woman was wearing the wrong dress right till the end.
That brings me to the point of dressing. All the people there I'm sure were completely loaded but as far as taste goes, much is left desired . Especially when it comes to differentiating between clothes for a luncheon and clothes for a night club. And thats just common sense. The lady in a white off shoulder top and white linen pants with a white flower in her hair would look gorgeous at a lunch party or maybe even dining out AL fresco but in a night club with UV lights.. hello.. Similarly, another one in a pistachio green floral dress with strings of pearls. And whats with the off shoulders, every other person was in one and I caught so many of them constantly pulling the dress up. It does really ruin the purpose of a sexy dress, doesn't it? Anyway.. it was a day well spent.. And you all have to have to watch Rock On.. really.. (no they aren't paying me for promotion)

Introspection..

2008-08-27T02:16:00.000-07:00

There are two ways of living life. First is to be yourself, say what you like, do what you like, the way you like, have strong convictions and opinions, voice them. Love fiercely, live fiercely. This will constantly result in disagreements, embarrassing situations, arguments, fights but you give all you have. You want things and you struggle till you get them. You want to live your life a certain way and you fight your way through everything to get there. Hold nothing back.

The second is to be content. To love mildly and live mildly. To suppress the real you to avoid confrontations. To go with the flow and never against it. To compromise. To keep everyone happy. To have an easy going, even a happy life but not what you would ideally want it to be. To keep the real you in a caged corner.

I have always based my life on this belief. I am a different person in every relationship. I am fierce in relationships that matter to me most and mild in the ones that are not so important to me. Similarly, I am fierce with things that are priority at that time in my life and mild with those that aren't.

The moment of truth arises when my attitude changes from one to the other. A relationship very important to me is going through such a phase. I can give in now and it might become easier for all those involved. Less fulfilling and less true but easier. The fight to make things better, to make them the way I had wanted it from the start seems to be going nowhere. I seem to be the only one wanting it and slamming against a hard stone wall, breaking myself. I speak my mind and its ugly. I hate what this is turning me into.

I can let go now but a part of me would die. Just the thought of a calm but unfulfilled life is repulsive. I am at a loss. I can let go but don't want to.
This is a life choice, the turning point for the rest of my life.

NC is leaving..

2008-08-22T04:33:00.000-07:00

Three months come to an end. Her vacation is over. I don't want to write how nervous I am about her leaving or how much I will miss her. She will hate me if I delve too much on that.

I just want to tell her that the last three months have been the best part of the year. In spite of me being busy with my life, I did try my best to give her as much time as I could. Maybe it wasn't good enough but knowing all that she knows about my life she will understand how I tried.

All the troubles did not magically vanish when she landed here but it was a lot easier to handle them when she was around. The burden somehow seemed lighter.

I apologize for all that I couldn't do for her when she was around. We did not spend enough time together. I did not talk to her enough. I did not listen to her enough. We didn't go out enough. I haven't taught her how to cook dal. Not that I'm the best person for that but anyway.
I did skip my diet so we could enjoy eating out. I skipped work often enough. I ignored P and T at times. I went to a holiday I didn't want to. I really did try to do my best.
All this is just so that I can tell her that don't hate me, our family or Delhi for not giving you all that you expected out of these last months.
Please Please come back and keep coming back and not just for T's sake.

Wow... an award..

2008-08-22T04:13:00.000-07:00

I have just been awarded the Brilliant Weblog award by Piper and NC. Here it is ..

"The Brilliant Weblog award- a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design. (Ahem!)The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogosphere. Here are the rules to follow:
1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5. And then we pass it on!"

It was a pleasant surprise for somebody with my frequency of posting. The problem with passing this is that I read very few blogs and am sure all of them have received this award already and more than once in some cases, so lets not make this go round and round. I will keep this for another time when I can pass it on to new bloggers.

Piper and NC thanks again and I promise to post more often.

The time I let my baby cry..

2008-08-14T01:39:00.000-07:00

T has this weird habit of sucking the fingers on his left hand and holding another person's eye while trying to sleep. The sucking has been going on forever and I don't know what to do about it, just hoping it will go away with time or maybe not.
The thing about playing with my eye or his dad's while sleeping started sometime back when he kept unwell on and off for quite a while. That's when he moved back to our bed from his cot.
That coupled with my own insecurities got us used to co sleeping. There seemed nothing wrong with it. We loved snuggling up in bed together and going of to sleep hand on eye.

Something was wrong though, the habit took deep routes. He became extremely dependent and never fell asleep on his own. He had to be put to sleep on our bed and then moved to his cot. Of course he was back in our bed sometime early morning. So yesterday we decided to train him to sleep on his own in his cot.

It started well, he very happily went to his cot and snuggled up with a stuffed toy. All was well till he realised he was not going to get an eye to hold. All hell broke loose. We lay on our beds and tried to calm him with rhymes and even patted him. But he just wouldn't budge.
P couldn't bear the crying after a while and wanted to give in "just for tonight" I shoved him out of the room and took over. After numerous repetitions of his favourite rhymes and when the fatigue set in, he finally gave up. I did pat him a little though. It was heart breaking and I am so scared of going through this again tonight and God knows till when. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I couldn't sleep for a quite a while after all this. I was quite shaken up and felt worse for being alone in this. I wish P had stayed and not made me the bad parent.

I just hope and wish and pray with all my heart that T forgets this and it does not have any lasting impression on him. I just want him to be independent and he seems smart enough to understand most things. This seems like the right time to discipline him. Though I feel like such a monster of a mother.

2008-07-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

I finally have a little blog roll of my own. This is a step to come back to my blog more often and not look for links in history to get to the blogs I like reading.. Looking forward to getting back in touch ...

For lost dreams..

2008-07-20T19:43:00.001-07:00

I am ordinary and life is ordinary. Till not so long ago I thought differently. I, maybe like everyone else, thought I was meant to do achieve something great. I never knew or know now what that something great would be, but something I was just right for, I was meant for.
Life seems so mundane now, so meaningless. It seems such a waste. A waste of opportunities lost in utter ignorance. Lost because of the ignorant confidence of youth. Because of never being shown the mirror, because of never being made to understand reality till it bit. Because of a crazy, romantic belief that everything would always stay perfect. Because of the naive belief that the love of people who love me will always be there protecting me. Because of not knowing the right from the wrong, or that there is so much more than just right and wrong.
Because of not investing time and love on the right people. Because of not being able to know who were the right people. Because of always being afraid of being truthful and honest. Because of always trying to be someone other than what I was. Because of never getting to know who I really was.
Too late now??? No. How can it be? I am still me. A lot of time has passed but there's still so much more to go. There is a chance to find myself , to find the right people. Something great must still be waiting to be done. Something will fall in place sometime.. For lost dreams and undying hope....

2008-07-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm blogging on a Monday morning.. strange.. but don't feel like budging from home today.. am still at the dinning table.. lingering over a late breakfast.. a really late one actually.. T is ready.. food is packed.. all set to get out .. other than me. I think the MNC trend of 2 days off in a week is so deeply ingrained in my system that if I work a weekend (like yesterday) my battery is just not charged to do another full week's work. It's funny that my body also responds to Monday only if I've had a 2 day break.
Another reason for such a late start to the day is the movie I saw with NC last night. She finally managed to get me to a movie in the festival thats on here. It was great watching a movie in the theater after ages but late night shows don't work for me... especially after a days work. Even at the most interesting parts of the film I caught myself wondering when i would get to my bed and get some sleep. The movie was something though.. Lady Chatterley.. based on the DH Lawrence book. I have never seen more nudity ever before. Ok.. More later.. maybe.. got to rush..

Finally some time off...

2008-07-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

work and T and P and everything else... I've been quite miserable, don't know if its mental, physical or emotional or maybe a little bit of all these. It seems like I'm carrying a heavy load on my shoulders all the time. I am so tired.
There is something that has been weighing on my mind and maybe thats what is completely drained me. I don't want to talk about it. Please don't ask. Not even you NC. But it's huge and it's something I don't want to do but I'm doing only to save my marriage. It's killing me. P is not really providing the kind of support or comfort I expect from him. Please tell me you support me on my decision and have complete faith in my ability to do the right thing.

I should tell you..

2008-06-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

whats really been happening. I have been exceptionally busy though the main reason for not writing anything is the list I posted the last time. Everytime I open the blog and read the to do list before writing a new post and I get distracted by the fact that I lot on that list is still undone or a work in progress. I get down to either making T's diet chart or phoning people about the staff I need. By the end of that, its too late to write.
So today I decided to not read the list and write first instead. The holiday was fun. We went to this quiet little hilly village in Uttrakhand and stayed in a lovely cottage. The place was run by a delhi family and was done up amazingly well.. straight out of a home magazine. Every room a different color theme. T had a fabulous time with his nana nani. He was very happy with the arrangement of nana being right in the next room. And he found his true love - A peach or let me say a zillion peaches straight off the trees.

This place had an orchard around, so we were surrounded by peach and plum trees. T thought they looked like balls and for once it wasn't forbidden to be put in his mouth. So at all times of the day he would had both his hands full with peaches at different stages of consumption. I was just happy he was eating something.

Before I forget to mention again... Little T is bald now. We did the mundan on 30th and a small get together for relatives. I somehow lived through it all. He was alright during the head shaving but misses his hair. Some days back I caught him trying to pick up some strands of my fallen hair from the floor and stick to his head. It was hilarious and sad at the same time. I should post a recent picture of his since nc hasn't done it either.

We are off again in a couple of days for another short holiday. This time its just me, T and nc visiting some family. I'm nervous about T's first flight and his first trip without papa. He is quite a handful now and I get completely exhausted running behind him and trying to feed him. NC is confident we'll handle him and have a good time too. Time will only tell.

Things to be done asap...

2008-06-04T00:47:00.000-07:00

Okay I can not control all but I need to really get a grip on all that I can. I have to

- Write out a detailed diet chart for T with the timings so if I leave him at home, people know what to feed him when.

- Set T's bed time and a routine like we used to sometime back.. just lost it all amidst broken bones and fevers. This will give him some structure and us the much needed time together.

- Hire two good, well paid people at work (reception and sales) to strengthen my team so I don't worry so much about work when I'm stuck at home.

- Spend two days completely at home to train the new maids.

- Take my sis out for some plays/movies and somehow let her know that I really do care and i'm so glad she's here.

- List out options for P's work and help him decide a direction (a Gantt chart is what he needs)

- Be ready to join back work full time by 9th or 13th June if the vacation works out.

- Start exercising or I'll loose the little form and shape that I'd got into. Also dinner time needs to be moved between 7 & 8 pm.

Status Quo it is...

2008-06-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

and I hate it. T is sick again. The maid is sick again and this time its a different maid. I'm stuck at home again. The sis is bored and is considering going back early. I haven't been able to spend much time with her because of the maid situation and the ailing T. She isn't getting along with the folks. We were planning a holiday together, all of us, but doesn't seem to be working out. I haven't seen her film as yet which i'm dying to but she will have to be made to believe over and over again that I really want to see it till I finally can. I feel miserable about her not being happy here but I just don't know what to do. I have a strange dependant relationship with my parents and it drives me up the wall most of the times. Now sis thinks everything needs to be put right which it does but can someone tell me how? Talking it out is not an option. We speak different languages.

P isn't doing too well either. Things are stagnant at the work front. Its started to get to me and I've started to get to him. Sis things I should take control of the situation and do something about it. I have been trying but I can't. Its the man's work, he has to figure it out. I really can't do anything about it other point him to the options I know of and push him once in a while. Life has come to a stand still at a very unhappy point.

the only ray of hope....

2008-05-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

NC comes back home on Monday...
Dear sister,
I am eagerly waiting and have too many hopes resting on you. Somehow seems like all will be well when you are close and not a million miles away.
I need to remember you have a life of your own too.. :)
Anyway, looking forward to whatever time we spend together, to lots of fun and lots of food... and lots of me free and T with you .. hehe...
Have a safe flight!!!

and i keep trying even after...

2008-05-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

- losing two maids in one day... and
- having a fight with mum and actually breaking down on the dinning table ... and
- having an idiot relative pass snide remarks at my husband at a party ( details later) .. and
- having a fight with the husband, all our frustrations bursting out... and
- another long day of housework ahead with no help in sight... and
- a crazy energetic baby who manages to get into trouble in a second if not watched.. and
- another party to be planned that I have no interest in.. just doing it to make my folks happy.. which i'm pretty sure won't happen either.. can't think of surviving another evening amongst people i despise but have to be nice to inspite of them getting away with all sorts of crap with me and even my folks... and also P's side of the family... God.. BLESS ME!!!

T's Birthday Party..

2008-05-12T01:21:00.000-07:00

I've had a crazy two weeks and completely forgot to post about the birthday party. P did a fabulous job of organising it. Lovely blue balloons covered the terrace. In fact it looked much fancier than I'd thought or wanted but it was lovely. I put T in a blue lakhnawi kurta and he looked adorable.

After much deliberation I wore my fancy saree instead of the cotton one that I had initially wanted to. I changed my mind after I saw what my MIL was wearing .. a black chiffon saree with silver work... :)

The only thing that bothered us was that a lot of our friends didn't turn up. And most of them only decided to RSVP the day of the party and not earlier. So we ended up paying for more people than actually ate and that didn't feel too good. Actually it was the first time P and I threw a party outside our home with a catering service and all. We completely over looked the fact that everyone invited does not turn up. I wouldn't care if a couple of people didn't turn up at a dinner at home.. the left overs can always be used :). And I think people don't normally cancel when its a small thing at home. Whatever the reason, P and I were disappointed with the low turnout.

The party on the whole was a success because T had a great time.. he was happy to be at the centre of it all. He slept only after most of the guests had left.

The in-laws seemed happy too, though I was disappointed in them but that's another story for another time..

Here are some pics of the birthday boy on his big day...

sliding with nani...

yummy creamy cake....

Vocabulary Update..

2008-05-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

I think It's time I start taking a note of T's vocab.. He's blabbering non stop and some of it does make sense..
In addition to mamma and hot he now says...
bapa - for P
bah - for ball
bahyee - for bye
anth - for ant
huth - to hit something that he wants to get back at for hurting him (i'm not happy about this but either my folks or the maid has taught him and he uses it frequently)
and something that sounds like ' acha hai' or 'atha hai'.. normally used when he likes something ...

He also uses some gestures extremely effectively like..
Shake his head wildly from one side to another means No and a big one at that..
Shake his head from top to bottom.. wildly again means Yes..
Opens and shuts his palm and points at something or someone to show what he wants...
Points his finger at the dog and motions her to sit.. not that she pays any heed to that but its fun watching...
And of course, the dance... any form of music or even a repetitive noise or sometimes nothing.. (as if some music is playing in his head) starts him off.. the dance can be just an index finger moving bhangra style or the torso going back and forth or even the legs moving in funny odd ways.. but all of it in sync with the beat... lol

I don't think he's interested in walking at all .. he's happy crawling and just wants to use up all his energy in talk, talk and more talk.. he's definitely taken on P's side of the family.. :)

Think of Kareena..

2008-05-12T00:46:00.000-07:00

So its true.. everyone has Kareena fever.. it's not her acting skills but her size zero.. or not yet size zero.. that everyone's obsessed with. I go for Pilate's classes in the mornings to this posh gym-spa kind of place. I really can't afford it but I somehow bumped into the instructor and I was desperate to loose all the pregnancy weight. She convinced me to try her classes and I got hooked. The only way I justify spending an astronomical amount on this every month is by not keeping a driver. I would have paid him the same amount so till I don't have a driver I can be a part of the elite set of Delhi ladies for an hour three times a week. Or to put it another way I can't get a driver till I don't loose enough weight to quit these classes :)
Anyway.. the point is that the latest talk in the gym is all about Kareena. What does she eat? How did she do it? Is she anorexic? She must have access to something that mere mortals like us don't, etc, etc.. This BIG diamond aunty saw her at some "friend's party" and supposedly she and all her friends couldn't eat another morsel and add another calorie after seeing her svelte figure.
So now whenever the exercises get too tough and we are huffing and puffing our way through the class .. the instructor yells... "don't give up... think of Kareena"... and suddenly new energy is infused in all :)

Happy 1st Birthday To My Precious..

2008-05-01T04:21:00.001-07:00

I have been writing a million letters in my head to you right from the day you were born. Initially, I wanted to tell you about all the hard work it is to raise a baby. To let you know of all the nights that your mum, your massi, your nani and papa woke up to tend to your needs. To tell the tales of the wet soiled nappies and those endless hours of feeding. I wanted you to know all this so you know that we did all this for you because we loved you more than anything or anyone in the world. We loved you since the day we knew of your existence, when you were just a tiny pea in my womb. I wanted you to know that we all were so happy and grateful to God for giving us the privilege to take care of you.
We all have come a long way from those first few weeks. You are so grown up already. You have a whole new personality of your own. You are so friendly and outgoing that it scares me. How will I protect you if you go on like this… trustingly smiling and greeting anyone you see, the road side beggar or the fancy snob aunty. You manage to make them all smile back. You stand on your own now and soon you will be walking. You have an interesting laugh of your own now and the silliest of things tick you off. And you have quite a will of your own too. I can foresee a lot of stubborn fights are in store for the two of us and I pity your poor father who will be caught somewhere in the middle.
Right now you have left your games and are standing by my shoulder and hugging me in the cute little way you do by placing your cheek next to mine. And now you have pulled of my glasses and it’s hard to know what I'm typing. Ok.. ok.. I know you want me to get off the laptop and be all eyes and ears for you. There finally you are diverted and I can resume.
I have to tell you of the guilt I go through. I am never satisfied with the amount of time I give you. I wish the day was longer. I feel I don't try hard enough or know the right kinds of food so you would eat more and gain more weight. I feel guilty for dragging you to work with me everyday and not giving you enough space to play there, for not taking you to a park often enough, for going on holidays or parties and leaving you behind. Also, for not combing your wild curls often enough and for making you go through an X-Ray before you even turned one. Also, at particularly blue times, for using pampers on you instead of pigeon, for not having a garden in front of our house to give you enough space to play, etc, etc .. I hope when you grow up you will not blame me for all this. You will probably have other things to blame me for.
You are quite a good looking baby and a charmer. In fact most people wonder and some are rude enough to say that you don’t look like our baby at all. What they fail to see is that you are lucky enough to have got the best of your mum and dad. The thing I fear the most is that all the attention you get because of your curls and smiles will spoil you. And you are quite the brat already.
Anyway, I want you to know that the past one year has been full of more ups than downs, a lot more happiness than sorrow and a lot of learning. I have grown up because of you. I have become a different person because of you.
I will always try to provide the best of everything to you. Going by my experience you will probably not understand or appreciate any of this till you have a baby of your own. That’s how life is.
I wish you all the good things in life. More importantly I wish you contentment. I hope you are lucky enough to know what you want, if not at 18 then at 28 or even 38 but it’s important that you eventually do and you get to do that. I hope you never forget how much you were loved and always will be loved unconditionally.

A Very Happy Birthday to you my love.. Enjoy the little party papa has put together for you..

2008-04-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Ok.. so I have been away a lot and this might go on for a while.. T turns 1 on Friday, the 2nd of May and we have a party planned out. Though not sure how it would turn out now that T has a fracture in his collar bone. Yes he does.. the X Ray shows it. He might have to wear a sling. I don't know how I can force a sling on baby.
It all happened when P went away for work over the weekend and I stayed at mum's. Since there's no crib there, T slept with me on my bed and rolled over in the middle of the night.
I never think anything can really seriously go wrong so didn't take enough precautions to safe guard the bed side and he fell flat on a bare marble floor.
I feel so guilty I could die. I keep thinking of the time when I woke up with his shrill screaming and the terrible thump I heard just before. I remember screaming out of fear and shock when I saw him lying on the floor.
I just want him to get better. It kills me to see him crawl in the way he does now, almost on 3 limbs, leaving the weight off his injured shoulder.

This and That....

2008-04-25T00:51:00.000-07:00

So the last whole week was full of action. The lack of access to Internet has created quite a backlog on my blog but I have to start some time.. there is so much to tell...
First the wedding was great, had a fun time. Though it didn't start off too well. I found it hard to dress up and have any zest to attend the ceremonies. I was just so drained.. The fatigue was showing on my face and the inability to enjoy something I had been really looking forward to made me feel worse. Anyway, after one such disastrous evening, I decided to have a good night's sleep and then onwards it was great.
I finally wore my wedding lehenga and got a million compliments. That really made my day. P also got affected by that I think, he was his old romantic self and made us pose like the bride and groom to get some pictures taken. We always regretted not getting these pictures clicked on our wedding day so that's taken care of now... :)
The wedding ceremony was quite long and boring. It was a Kashmiri wedding much longer than the instant Punjabi wedding. So we finally got home the next morning.
After a lazy Sunday, P and I left T at Nani home and took off for a short break the next day..
More on that later...
I had 200 plus unread emails by the time I got back and most of them for the MTB baby shower. Please please anyone tell me whats happening there.. I'm clueless and I don't have it in me to read all the mails..

No one has it easy..

2008-04-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

I spoke to this cousin of mine and actually she's a cousins wife but we get along quite well. The fact that we had babies withing weeks of each other and were together in pregnancy woes helped.

She always used to talk about quitting her job to bring up her baby earlier but has been extremely particular about keeping her job now after the baby. I always thought there was something odd about that and got to know the reasons today. The five months that she was home after the baby made her realize that she couldn't quit working. No she is not really an ambitious career woman. She just knows she can't live 24x7 with her mom-in-law. If she does she will loose her sanity.

Now the MIL is my aunt, my father's sister so I know she is just like my grand mother and so I know what she can do to her daughter in law from my mother's experience. Now this lady is so bossy, she can choke you with it. Its hard to refuse her for anything. Imagine living with her. It makes me gasp for breath.

The MIL takes care of the baby all day so that means the baby has to be brought up her way. The DIL didn't want to use a bottle to feed the baby but it didn't happen. The DIL didn't want to use diapers on the baby all day but obviously it was too inconvenient. The really weird part is that the son is made to believe that the baby is kept in cloth nappies all day by his mother. The only time that the MIL really feeds and cleans the baby herself is when the son is around and the rest of the time its up to the maid. I would have thought the DIL was paranoid if I didn't really know the MIL myself.

I really pity this poor girl. She has to work only because she can't stay at home. Her guilt for staying away from her baby is killing her but she knows that staying at home will result in so much frustration that she won't be able do justice to her baby.

Now the worst part is that she had a nice 6 hours of work arrangement with her boss at her current work place instead of 8 but thats over. The department she used to work for shut and she has to look for another job. That would mean longer hours of work and less time with the baby. She would not be able to get home by 5 pm to take her kid to the park anymore.

I suggested looking for a part time thing but there aren't any options. I feel terrible for her and suddenly my life seems like a cake walk in comparison.

Hot hai!!!

2008-04-16T02:57:00.000-07:00

The famous first words after Ma and Ba that T learnt are "Hot Hai" (Its hot). No we are not trying to equip our little boy with phrases to admire women ;) .... It started off as a warning for him to not touch anything warm like the bed side lamp's bulb that he always went for or our tea mugs. But now it stands for anything dangerous that he's not supposed to touch like switch boards, etc.. Well.. we mean parents do manage to get kicks out of this and P is constantly getting T to say " Ma hot hai" ... lol...

For all the hard work...

2008-04-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

Well... guess what, after my earlier rant about how tired I was and how I worked so hard all this week. My parents finally walk in and tell me that they think i don't put enough time at work. I start too late in the morning. Can you believe that?? I know I'm talking about my parents here but this is more than I can take. I have shed a lot of tears over the hurt that this caused me and now I'm plain angry.
My parents are not cruel to me or anything and I chose to work for my father when I had T for various reasons. But now I think it was all a big mistake. The main reason was that I always wanted to help my father with his work and give him some rest and peace of mind that he hasn't ever had. He is a hard working man who made a lot out of nothing by slogging all his life. I have always respected that and wanted to relieve him of some of the work burden and stress so he could have the time to enjoy what he has earned. I did not join him straight after finishing my studies because it seemed like the easy option then. I wanted to do something on my own, to prove to myself and to him that I was capable of surviving in the world and doing well. But I had always thought of helping him eventually.
As soon as I got pregnant, the time seemed right. I wanted the flexibility and the option of taking my baby to work. Also, I wanted less number of hours. This in no way meant that I wasn't serious about working. I have inherited his workaholic ways but I believe and fortunately have the choice to lead a more balanced life. I don't want to make a lot of money. I just like working.
Coming from a top fancy MNC to a business wasn't easy. I hated it initially and thought of quitting but didn't have the heart to do that to my father. I knew he was happy with my decision to join him. And most of my life has been about trying to please him. It was hard to deal with the kind of people that were there. Now about an year and a half later, I am finally more confident about my choice to work here. I know I am learning the trade well and am enjoying it. I am getting used to the idea of owning a business, of employing people, of building something. It felt good. I want to do so much. I want to change the old processes and most of all the way employees are treated. I realized I have a different way of working than my father and I thought it was working. I was hoping for some appreciation.
All this might seem strange to most people. And they might think why can't I just tell them all this. But I can't. I have never really had a real conversation with my parents. I don't know how to start now. Now, I just want to walk out of the whole thing but I wouldn't and couldn't do that. I just don't know how I will ever be able to come up to their expectations. I do my very best but I still fail miserably.

If I'm missing an eye....

2008-04-14T02:52:00.001-07:00

you'll know who to blame... little T of course. He has this strange habit of sleeping with two fingers of his left hand in his mouth that he uses as a pacifier and the right hand has to constantly hold something like my eye or my nose. And P and I sport various cuts that his sharp nails mark us with at bed time. But we've tried everything else to put him to sleep. Nothing works other than this. Mommies please tell me what makes your little ones to be off to the land of nod???

2008-04-14T02:13:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize I'd been away so long... Its been really busy around here. I actually pulled off a 6 day week at work after ages. Ever since I had T, I have never done more than 5 days a week and about 5-6hrs of work a day and honestly a lot of times its just 4 days a week. When I say work, I mean office work of course... otherwise you know the mommy duty never ends.
With my father away most of the week in the middle of the busiest times at work, I had to really slog. I have lost my stamina for working the way I did before T. I hope I can get that back once T doesn't need as much time as he needs now. Although I don't think that will happen till he starts school.
Other things keeping me busy were my pilates class that tires me out enough that I work at half my efficiency. Will write more about the class later.
And another wedding in the family. This is as close as its gets other than NC ofcourse :)... So had to get clothes ready, mine and T's. P of course doesn't believe in preparing a week in advance. We got nice kurtas stitched for T. Will post some pictures soon..
I feel so completely pooped right now. Just want to go home and sleep. I think I'll bunk work tomorrow since papa is back. I need a massage.

T's new avtar

2008-04-04T01:28:00.000-07:00

Here's T in his first ever kurta pyjama and we just had to put him in front of the Tabla that his nani got for him and he loves ...

But we leave our music and run for papa's camera as soon as we spot it.. It's getting really hard to click any pictures now that T runs for P's fancy camera everytime..

Now I know...

2008-04-03T04:56:00.000-07:00

why there is such a shortage of good help or any help for that matter in this city.. Its the new trend of the rich.. 2 maids per child and of course a few more for the house. Really!!! Believe it or not.. it's true. I know at-least two women who have two maids for their child. And in both cases, the mothers don't do any kind of work from home or office or house work or anything other than lunch with the ladies and shop...
In-fact P and I walked into a day farm house party some weeks ago sans maids and just T and we must have looked like aliens to the rest because we were actually holding our baby. There was no maid in tow.
P and I are very concerned about our privacy. An outing means just our little family, just the three of us. We never take a maid along to such things. Its only when we are going to a family wedding sort of a thing where we would have to be really involved in the ceremonies or would have to stay till long after T's asleep, then we take a maid.
I just can't stop wondering what do they need two maids for a child for? They actually don't even lift a finger. One maid passes the clothes and the other puts them on the child. Why have a baby at all and what will the baby learn from an uneducated village woman? What about the importance of touch while bonding with your baby? Don't these women ever feel guilty for not bringing up their babies themselves or don't they feel overwhelmed with so much love that makes them want to do everything for their babies themselves..

T's birthday party

2008-04-03T03:20:00.000-07:00

I am going nuts here. With T's first birthday approaching fast, we have to figure out what to do for a party. P and I have never been in favour of celebrating 1st birthdays. The baby not only doesn't know that the celebrations are for him, or care, in most cases it turns out to be torture for the little thing.
Having said that, T has thoroughly enjoyed all the birthday parties he's been to so now we don't want to deprive him of that and we don't mind putting up a small celebration just for our friends and close family.
The only problem is that what started as small is getting completely out of our hands now. I never wanted to be one of those mums who have nothing better to do so they plan their kids birthday parties months in advance but now that there's just a little under a month left, we find we hardly have any choice of venues available. I would love to do a small thing at home but we will surely fall short of space and we can't use the terrace because of the heat.
Another issue with doing it at home means throwing our varied group of friends together and also our family. P and I never drink with our family. It might seem like double standards but it's just that my mum and his parents are quite conservative when it comes to drinking and partying. But this time P and I have decided to come out in the open. Not sure if this would actually happen but we want to. When I told my mum that we want to offer liquor to our friends for T's party she freaked a bit and has since been referring to it as 'drinks party' instead of 'T's birthday party'. So now you know what I'm talking about.
The biggest issue of-course is the guest list. Now I am quite close to most of my extended family.. first cousins, etc.. so I have to and want to invite them for the party. P is out of touch or not on talking terms with most of his cousins. But he says his mum might feel that we've invited so much of my family and none of his. Though it is completely unreasonable considering the relationship he has with them. So all this has been causing a lot of heart burn and we end up cancelling the whole thing thrice a day.
If we go all out (we both don't want to) and call the whole families,etc, etc.. we end up spending a lot more than we intended and we end up wasting our time pleasing the relatives and not celebrating with our friends. This kind of ruins the whole idea of the party. Also this would mean like a 200 people party and how can we do such a celebration in my sister's absence.
The latest plan is to do a small thing at the club on T's birthday and a bigger, more family kind of a thing a month later when sis arrives.
Though pulling it off is not going to be an easy task either. More on that later.

Another reason to love Baichung Bhutia

2008-04-01T04:42:00.000-07:00

I still remember the days when my sister's rooms walls were covered with this cute footballer's posters.. Here's another reason to love him.. He has refused to carry the Olympic torch when it arives in Delhi..

Women's corner..

2008-03-31T04:21:00.000-07:00

This tradition of 'Zenanas' dates back many centuries but is surprisingly still so common. Or maybe only in Punju homes that I mostly land up in. Basically, most of the friend's places we got to, when there is more than one couple invited, the women folk tend to retire to a part of the house separate from the male dominated living room. What age are we living in?

After I got married, all I wanted to do was to stick to P's side and not be sent to a different room with the women. Then I gradually started trying to fit in with the women 'cos most them thought of me as a snob who didn't want to mingle with them. The result was that I became even more sure of my choice to stick to with P at such dos.

Now I love girlie things. I love talking about shopping, manicures, pedicures, babies(well now I do), etc, etc. But what I don't like is bollywood gossip, maid gossip, next door neighbour gossip. What I hate is one or two women showing off their super expensive ( like a month's salary to us) bags with the same silly logo all over it or garish colors that are cool just because of such designer labels,etc, etc. What I completely detest is the other women flocking around these rich hens to admire and repeatedly admire the stuff over and over again. I can't stand it.

I rather discuss economy, the sub prime problem, business, etc. I don't pretend to know too much about all this stuff but conversations with the men is so much more engaging than the talk in the women's corner. What I really want to know is.. where are you interesting women of the world???

2008-03-31T04:06:00.000-07:00

How we change with time.. . P and I were out last evening and bumped into a cousin of mine and her husband. She is a first cousin so quite close by relation but thats where it ends. So we met, exchanged greetings, general 'what are you doing heres', etc... But that was it, we didn't have much to say to each other. What really hit me while talking to them was, how cold I was? I was polite but there was no warmth. It was completely superficial. And I was thinking all this while talking to them and I was pretty sure that I'm transparent enough for them to see exactly how I feel about them. I don't like them for various reasons and I was not happy to see them.
It was a strange sensation for me. To feel nothing for someone like that. And for it to be so obvious. The strange thing is that, I haven't liked her all my life but I never felt like this before. When I greet someone with a smile that smile is true. Even if that's the only true thing in the whole conversation. The weird part was that the smile was so cold. Somethings changed in me and I don't like that. I probably need to grow up and hone my social skills. Lack of diplomacy is a bad thing, its an ass lickers world out there.

Early morning.. ahemm..

2008-03-27T03:48:00.000-07:00

We wake up early morning with T jumping over us to reach for something on the bed side table. We realize that T is no longer spread out horizontally between us, we really are lying next to each other for a change. We use the opportunity to snuggle up. As soon as we reach out for each other, the little monster's eyes literally open up to twice their size.. I'm not kidding, his eyes really opened up wide in surprise and he ran for us before we could even get close enough to attempt to create his sibling ...

Support Tibet!!!

2008-03-25T04:31:00.000-07:00

My tryst with Tibet began with Vikram Seth's travelogue 'From Heaven Lake' some years ago. I was completely mesmerised by his descriptions of this quaint little country and started reading more and more about it. What fascinated me the most was the resilient character of its people and culture. How even in their exile they had kept their language alive, their art forms still thriving and their religion attracting people from far and wide?
Another thing that disturbed me and shocked me when I became aware of the Tibetan situation was, weren't the days of imperialism over? I know the more aware and learned can tell me that we are all still ruled in some way or another, American hegemony, etc. But weren't the days when one country ruled another by sheer military force over?
If a set of people have been living peacefully with whatever level of modernisation they wish to, why can't they be left alone? Can you imagine living in a free world today that if a Tiebtan is found possessing a mere picture of The Dalai Lama it is enough to sentence him to prison?

Visiting Tibet features in my 'things to do before I die' list but only if it remains Tibet. A couple of visits to Dharamshala made me realize how the whole community seems to be in wait. Every restaurant has picture of the Potala Palace. Street corners and trees have pictures of a kidnapped Lama. It really feels like a town waiting to pack its bags and leave for their kingdom in heaven.
Please do whatever you can to support the Tibet Campaign against China. You can offer your support at : http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/52.php?cl=66033783

Holi Hai!!

2008-03-24T04:07:00.000-07:00

After reading about all the horrors of holi that MM and other people went through, I had this urge to lift the heavy pall off this fun festival.
I have some great memories of Holi. Every year my parents would be away all day for three days around holi. They would be off to this temple to attend a religious camp sort of a thing. This used to upset me & my sister a lot when we were younger as we could never play holi with them. As we grew older we started playing holi with some cousins and friends and we were eventually quite grateful for all the freedom. We would run wild on the streets which may have been unsafe but we were always in groups so it was great fun. I'm pretty sure my mum still doesn't know that we actually used to go to a couple of neighbours homes a few streets away to play holi. And these were never just dry gulal kind of celebrations but loads of water, tough colors and of course eggs.

Another reason why holi is special to me is that I met P on the day of Holi about seven years back. I can still see him standing on the first floor opposite my friend's house and looking down at all of us drenched in colors and water. He also claims that he remembers the day and infact exactly the way I looked then, looking up, squinting in the sun with one hand shading my eyes, wearing a white kurta. The funny part is that I never wore a white kurta on Holi. How could I when I was well aware of the kind of holi we played? It was always a some shabby pants with a t- shirt that I anyway wanted to throw away. He has some bollywood image of me. It's kind of sweet I think. I should have just let him believe that, its more romantic than my version . So till we got married, it was this festival that let us celebrate something together in front of so many people who were completely unaware of our relationship. P would fill up a bucket of water and throw it on somebody else but most of it would somehow land up on me and other silly teasing games went on . Those were the days.
After we got married, the holi tradition was followed religiously, not in the lanes any more but on our own terrace with a few cousins & friends. This time with T being so young, we didn't want to do anything at home but couldn't resist a friend's invitation. So we went to this fancy farm party which we thoroughly enjoyed. They had a rain dance kind of a floor which was great, dancing in the rain gives me such a high even better than the bhang. I felt guilty about all that wasted water but what the heck it was just one day. It was a pitty we had to get back home early as T was home. I can picture T in a tub full of colored water next year.

What is sad is that most people treat most festivals as just holidays or some mandatory customs forced down by their families. I believe in celebrating these days. We anyway don't rationalize and discard most beliefs that our parents had and have a very different idea of religion and spirituality than them. So the least I want to do is celebrate such fun festivals with my kids and give them some traditions and roots to call their own.

T Tees Off..

2008-03-23T06:34:00.000-07:00

I was woken up in morning by T calling out 'Maah' 'Maah'... I just put my arm out on the bed to look for him but he wasn't there. My next instinct was to check the cot but he wasn't there either. I panicked and got up rubbing sleep out of my eyes and finally spotted him standing on the floor right next to the bed and smiling at me. I was so shocked that it took me a moment to realize what had happened. P had woken up and gone to the loo. T had gotten up soon after and decided to follow . He got off the bed ON HIS OWN. Can you believe that? Are they really supposed to grow up this fast? He actually has figured out how to get off the bed, he crawls to the edge, inches a little further and looks like he's in for a fall but then smartly turns around with his back to the edge and smoothly glides off. How will I ever control him now? I don't think I'm ready for this. It's coming too soon, all the mobility, the willfulness and God knows what more is in store now...

T saw the sun

2008-03-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while driving back from work, I pointed out an airplane to T. As usual he was following the path of the plane when he suddenly spotted this big, bright orange ball in the sky. He was spell bound. He just kept staring at it and then back at me. His face was bright with surprise and the thrill of a new discovery. I was so grateful in that moment for this baby who came into my life to make every mundane thing seem special..

Update on T

2008-03-20T03:14:00.000-07:00

Because of all the whining, I have not written anything about T for a long time. He is going to be 11 months soon. I can't believe that he's actually going to be an year old so soon. He is a very sensitive baby. If any one raises their voice even a little, he shuts his eyes and looks really disturbed though he himself can scream louder than all of us put together in a fit of excitement.
He loves water now and the time spent in his tiny bucket after a bath is the best part of the day. He definitely takes on my love for water. I have to teach him to swim soon, though taking such a young thing to a public pool might not be a good idea. P & I have been thinking of getting one of those inflatable things to put on our terrace provided we can get enough water (Delhi is going to be short of power & water again this summer.. phew).

Thats him in the bucket...

And the anti-jinx courtesy BEV

He of course is crawling all over the house and even cruising now, just a matter of time before he runs away leaving poor mommy behind. Anyway the only time he cuddles with me anymore is only when he's sleepy. I keep begging for kisses at other times but he's too busy with his games. Imagine already.. he's not even one yet.

What has really changed in the last month are his eating habits. He used to eat pretty well. He would gobble up whatever was offered and in decent quantities. Suddenly, he has become picky and he just doesn't stay in one place long enough to get through a meal, not even on his high chair, he gets restless and struggles to get out of it. He used to be a chubby baby, though he still weighs more than average but he has lost those cheeks. This just makes me guilty at times, maybe I am not able to feed him the right things or maybe what he eats is not enough. He is an active baby, i don't know what to do with all this energy he has, so I doubt if those chubby cheeks will ever come back.
I should go back to playing peek - a -boo now otherwise he'll jump of the chair that the maid's holding him on or the chair will topple over .

Am I a whiner?

2008-03-19T04:12:00.001-07:00

I don't really want to hear a yes to this but lately I have been feeling like one. You know how some people go about life thinking one day when this happens I'll be happy or the day that happens I'll be happy. I absolutely don't want to be one of those, I want to enjoy life with its imperfections. Though i find myself perpetually wishing for something to happen so I can feel better. I constantly feel that knot tightening in my head and wishing for something to go right that would make us happy.
I find myself getting bitter, especially with P. I nag.. a lot. And worst of all, I loose my patience with T. Instead of handling him patiently, I get angry and I force him to do something which obviously makes him cry. I feel miserable after that. I know this is going nowhere. What if it takes a lifetime for things to turn right or what if they never do? I don't want to turn my life into hell and along with that T's too. I pray for strength to tide over all this.

Blame it on MTNL

2008-03-17T04:28:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to blog for a few days now though I was itching too.. must have written a dozen posts in my head but the damn MTNL people have cut the broadband connection. When P went asking for an explanation, they said it should have been cut in Jan as we had put a disconnection request.. weird!!! So nothing has been done about it and we might have to go through a completely new application process all over again. Can you believe that? All those who think the Airtels of the world are any better are so wrong. We faced a worse crisis with them last year and then switched to trusty MTNL after paying many inflated bills for STD calls to places we'd never heard of. So basically no Internet access and I've missed many a juicy posts.. :(
The weekend was crazy. Haven't slept well in two nights. We attended the Bean's birthday party and had a great time.. met some interesting people.. Its funny that when you are at someones house and obviously you all are that someones friends/guests and still you smile at someone and they don't smile back.. isn't that really rude? Anyway, most people were congenial enough and we had fun. The cake was delicious and for all you MM fans, she looked amazing in a saree..
I wore a fairly hugging top after ages and was awfully conscious of the protruding belly but P was very happy that i was wearing something other than loose kurtis..
So after the birthday party we dropped T to nani's and went out for dinner and landed at this awesome place called @live in CP.. great music and ambiance. The food though left a lot to be desired but the live band singing songs from The Doors almost made up for it. The food at Cuba, also run by the same people is definitely better . Sunday was some cardio at the mall (for the body and the wallet... :) ) followed by another late night with awesome pink champagne at a friend's place.

2008-03-12T01:46:00.001-07:00

P just called me at work and told me to leave him if he ever speaks to this friend of his again. Coming from P, this is a huge step. He just doesn't say these things like I do without meaning them. He is really extremely upset & hurt. I'm just hoping he won't forget all this hurt tomorrow after sleeping over it. This guy has been taking P for granted for ever. Whenever I confronted him he would admit to his wrong ways, be good for a few days and then the same again.
I was really through with him but P somehow went on. Now he's really had it. P & him were discussing a business venture some days ago. P was really looking forward to it in spite of my warnings. So P calls him to today to find out whats up on that front and he tells him that he's gone ahead and done all that was needed completely excluding P out of the whole thing. WHAT A JERK????///
P is really upset. It's that point in his life when suddenly the career comes to a standstill and you can't see any way out of it. This is a very trying time for us. We have always been hopeful about something great coming along sometime in life. We came so close to it several times but just didn't happen. But suddenly it feels like life is slipping away. We might have to re think and start all over again.
P doesn't have a great education and he's always regretted that. He is smart but never got the right guidance at home to push him towards a good education. Maybe its time to fill that gap but not sure if we can do that at this point in our lives.
I'm just so upset and clueless about the whole thing but I know I have to be strong for P's sake. Pray for us please..

T's first dress up day...

2008-03-10T02:17:00.000-07:00

A friend of P's invited us for her daughter's second birthday party. I was not too keen on going considering it was in one corner of Noida and it was a costume party. I was of the opinion that T is too young to understand whats happening around him and he is too tiny to carry off a costume. I couldn't have been more wrong.

We eventually went for it . For the costume, we decided to take advantage of T's glorious curls and dressed him up as a Greek/Roman emperor. We made him a tiara with white orchid stems and wrapped a white dupatta over his romper. The dupatta didn't last for more than a minute so it was just T in a white romper and a tiara. And guess what he actually won the second prize for best dressed baby. Silly mama is so proud .. he won something in his first competition. The little party animal that he is.. he had a blast and I've decided to not miss a single birthday party ever.

There's my little Greek god...

I should be ready for lots of "mommy.. i won't be home before midnight..."

2008-03-06T01:27:00.000-08:00

The last post was from yesterday.. couldn't post it then. And to put me in my place for feeling so high & mighty after a few glasses of wine, last evening happened. We were very insistently invited to the same friend's house. I didn't want to go but P wanted to so we went. I had wine. Bad Red wine and it must have been opened a couple of days back. It was spoilt I think. And I said things I shouldn't have and I feel so terribly stupid about it all.

The Ms Fix It that I am, I want to do something about it. Though P wisely has forbidden me to do anything. Am i really immature to want honesty in relationships and friendships? Is it really one of the school/college days idealism that I still carry with me? How can I think something but show something else on my face? How do I reach a zen like state with this group of P's friends? How do I meet them once in a while only when they choose to include us and enjoy myself as nothings wrong?

This needs a huge amount of maturity and balance that I lack. Its not my nature to be indifferent. Everything around me affects me. I like everything to be clean and sorted. There are people I like and who like me and I share some sort of a relationship with them , there are people who don't like me or I don't like them and I prefer to not have anything to do with them. Don't we all have relatives to drag along in our lives who we don't like but since they are related to us, we can't do anything about it. Why have friendships like that?
I can't be like P. He's so calm about all this. He can just separate himself from it all and just enjoy himself.
I don't know how to deal with this. What I am sure about is that I should never ever have bad wine.

How a white Chinkara rescued me?

2008-03-05T03:20:00.000-08:00

This Chinkara was white and cool. It came from Australia. And it came to my rescue on a miserable evening. Before you think I've lost it, Chinkara is an Australian wine that was served at a wedding cocktail party that I went to at the plush Oberoi Hotel in Delhi. This is how it all started.

This was P's closest friend's sister's wedding and things hadn't been going to well between us lately (same people I mentioned in this and this too). Anyway, I had decided to look stunning and be the life of the party (all those who really know me know this has to be a joke or a feat as hard to achieve as climbing the Everest). Ok so maybe not be the life of the party but at-least look stunning. I was really looking forward to wearing this thirty year old saree from my mum's trousseau. Its this amazing deep blue with a bold silver border. I got the saree refurbished and matched silver peep-toe sandals with a silver clutch.. the works.. I even got it steam-ironed, didn't want to take chances with the dhobi.

So after a hectic day, made a huge effort to look fresh (Ice cubes on the eyes et all). I started getting dressed and as soon as i pinned my palla, I noticed the big tear in the saree border right in the front. My heart sank and I was so furious at the dry cleaner. If only his store hadn't shut by then, he would have had it. P tried hard to pacify me. And finally, not having the time to change (or another ironed saree.. I should be better prepared), i pinned it up strategically, took a deep breath and left.

As soon as I entered the party, I spotted N who's P's friends wife and one of my ex- best friends. This is the one I can't make up my mind about. Is she innocent or is she the bitch who creates all the trouble in the group? Now N always made me believe that they hardly met with the others in the group. Here I see her moving around with so many of the friends & family of the other friends that I realize she's been lying all this while. I suddenly felt so completely miserable at being left out that I just wanted to walk out then. The saree accident was just adding to my woes. The whole story is too complex to explain now but I always felt that I got a raw deal from P's friends and N was very easily accepted.

Anyway, so I felt terrible and it was so clearly written all over my face. I am one of those stupid, immature, transparent people who find it very hard to suppress what they feel and can't rest till its all out of the system. Thankfully the performances from the bride's and the groom's family started right then. It is the silliest thing that I've ever seen. A rub off from Bollywood. But it helped, I didn't have to talk to anyone for a good thirty minutes and that time was enough to compose myself and pull my act together.

The tamasha (trust me, no better word for this) ended and i spotted a waiter with tall, cool glasses of white wine. I picked one up and gradually relaxed. Another glass and I was ready to take on N and the world. I confidently mingled arm in arm with P. I told it as it was. Joked with N about the games she's playing with me. I noticed her face drop and she got tongue tied. No one expects me to talk back and they were quite shocked I think. Even P was taken aback. But I was never rude, just honest.

I hate to think that I need a glass of wine to get through my life. Makes me feel like an alcoholic but it is true. Lesson to be learnt is that I should be more confident about being myself and not need any stimulants for that. Why should drunk me have more fun than the sober me?

And I'm back...

2008-03-05T00:28:00.000-08:00

If anyone missed me, I was knee deep in house work, waist deep in office work and almost drowned in the weddings I had to attend. So much has been going on that I don't where to start. My maid quit. I was expecting it and it happened at the busiest possible time. Murphy's law hold true every time, doesn't it?

Got a maid on loan from my mum but she didn't cook so i had to wake up early to cook lunch and breakfast. Then get everything done for T and lug him to work. Then work all day and lug us back home (I don't really walk to work with T on my back but driving 40 kms in Delhi is no better). Fix T dinner, etc, etc and drop him to Nani home.. Finally get dressed in a saree, try to look like a million bucks and leave for the wedding parties when all I wanted was a trip to the land of nod. I managed. I lived through it somehow.

Now with the weddings over and a new maid ( my mum's network is great.. touch-wood!), I have been trying to get my sleep and sanity back.

More later..

Random thoughts..

2008-02-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

Wanted to really utilize the weekend doing important things like cleaning & organising the house, sorting woolens, etc since P was away.. Did exactly what I hate him doing on a holiday.. sleep, read news papers & watch TV..

Spent an exorbitant amount of money on brocade blouses for sarees.. could have bought a new saree for that amount.. feeling stupid & guilty..

Met an old ex-best friend after ages.. realized how much I missed the comfort of being with an old friend.. but somehow fear slipping into old unhealthy patterns if I stay around her too much.. basically I was always envious of her extrovert, exuberant personality.. and this fuelled my general negativity. Somehow I fear she will over shadow me again if we got back in touch.. But this is a real test for the new me.. Actually I can't believe I still feel this way after all these years.. I'm a different person.. there's no need for comparison.. I have a great life with a few blotches here and there .. and I'm sure the same goes for her.. I should not worry too much about it and maybe try to start afresh ..

Realized T is a total show baby.. he fought off sleep for three hours to play with new people he met and put on all sorts of acts to keep them entertained..

Spending a day at mum's place as she isn't well and dad's out of town.. Spent some time watching TV and lazing around in my old room. Almost went back in time.. seemed like my sis would just walk into the room any minute and we'll watch friends and eat maggi.. Then T woke up :)

My first Tag..

2008-02-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

My first Tag came from Nat.. here we go..

A - Available?: yes.. for friendships with smart young women preferably with kids..
B-Best friend: well.. none..
C-Cake or Pie?: Cake.. Gooey chocolate cakes to be precise
Drink of choice: Wines.. Red & white..
E-Essential thing used everyday: Contact Lenses.. would be blind otherwise..
F-Favourite colour: Blue.. especially the color of the sky at dawn..
G-Gummi bears or worms: none.. sweets only mean chocolates..
H-Hometown: Delhi.. always been..
I-Indulgence: Books.. Wine.. Eating Out...
J-January or February: Feb - spring and so much activity in the city.. though haven't participated in anything this year.. blame it on T..
K-Kids and names: one son - T.. tara rum pum..
L-Life: Nothing to complain about .. but want more from it..
M-Marriage date: Oct 20th 2004
N-Number of siblings: 1- a sister who's far away from home..
O-Oranges or apples: Oranges
P-Phobias: Lizards and Earthquakes...
Q-Quote: "I am the only one stopping myself from being what I want"
R-Reason to smile: My baby discovering something new that I had always taken for granted, my sister's/husband's success, my father playing with my son..
S-Season: Spring because weather is mild and Autumn because delhi is so pleasant and festive.
T-Tag three people: Mad Momma, Nostalgic Chica, Bird's Eye View
U-Unknown fact about me: I want to do some more studying .. not sure when & how..
V-Vegetable you do not like: lotus stems.. ( bhey.. what a despicable name..)
W-Worst habit: Self depreciation.. I must be better than I think I am..
X-x-rays you have had: Chest
Y-Your favorite food: Thai curries and Biryani.. not together of course
Z-Zodiac: Capricorn

Spring is here..

2008-02-20T02:09:00.000-08:00

The florists shops are a crazy riot of colors.

T can be finally left on the floor to crawl.

Walking barefoot on the cool marble floors is refreshing.

Layers of clothes have been shed of T and me. T looks thin. I look fat, all the wrong bumps on all the wrong places.

The winter lethargy is wearing off, time for spring cleaning.

I can smell Holi in the air though it's still a month away...

2008-02-19T03:27:00.000-08:00

I worshipped my father till I grew up and started seeing him as a mortal. Now I work with him and I see his mistakes day in and day out. I see his over confidence now, that in my younger days had impressed me so much that I thought he knew everything about everything. Another thing that I have come to know about him lately is that he, although it may not seem like, is very emotional and impulsive.

What really bothers me at work today is this relative of ours who he employed 4 years ago in order to help him. He is older than my father but has never really done a days worth of work in his life. I always thought that people are rich or poor partly because of their efforts and partly luck. Till I saw this man up close, I used to think that he had been unlucky in terms of career and money but now I know he never tried and he never will.

It makes me mad to know that he's not just drawing a sizable salary from us for almost no work in return, he is also stealing. How can anyone be so ungrateful? But there he is talking rubbish, pretending that he really cares for us and our business and going about stealing when our backs are turned. Now the relationship with him is really sensitive. Throwing him out means jeopardising other lives that my father cares about. So we are paying the cost of being emotional and impulsive.

Call for help with T..

2008-02-19T01:25:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would be the kind of mother who would hit her child. I have nothing against parents who hit children, just that I wasn't brought up like that, my parents had never hit us. The worst ever memories I have are about them getting angry and screaming at me but never any physical hurt.

This morning, T just about 9 months old has been kind of asking for it already. I feel terrible about wanting to scold him and hit him and I know according to the science of it all, its too soon and not advisable to instill fear in a baby. But he's just being really difficult all of a sudden.

He woke up crying this morning which is really unusual and then just refused to eat anything that we offered. I know this might be one of those days and I don't fret too much about him missing a meal once in a while. He has also been very clingy lately. I blame myself for letting him be with the maid more than usual as she just keeps him in her lap all the time and doesn't let him crawl at all.

Earlier he was quite content playing by himself, now he wails as soon as no one is in sight. He starts screaming if we don't let him have any thing that he wants. Weren't the terrible twos supposed to start at two?

I am totally clueless about how to deal with him. I hope this is a phase and passes away soon. What gets me totally worked up is that what if all these really become habits are here to stay? What if this is how T turns out and I spoil him by not dealing with all this the right way?

If any experienced mums happen to read this.. please tell me what to do..

Edited to add: T's being such an angel now.. just woke up from his nap and is resting his head on my shoulder. How can I ever be tough with this tiny vulnerable thing who's a part of me..

Goodbye to The Mad Momma

2008-02-18T03:36:00.000-08:00

So MM has said her goodbyes. Her blog had become such a part of my life. I was initiated to her blog by my sister at a time when I was struggling to come to terms with motherhood. T had just come into our lives and I had had no idea how tough the first few weeks were going to be. P had been extremely busy with work then and I felt really lonely. I also had issues with my body and thats when my sister forced me to read this post by MM on a similar issue she was facing. And thats when I got really hooked on. Every word she said echoed my feelings but was written in a way I could have never managed to put. Her honesty coupled with her writing skills made the blog irresistible.

Fortunately, I got to know her personally and now I know where she lives, so I will just knock on her door whenever I miss her blog too much.. :)

The pleasures of having a baby..

2008-02-15T02:54:00.001-08:00

I started out wanting to be a mommy blogger but I have hardly blogged about mommy things. Whenever I read my old journals I noticed that happy things and happy days were always mentioned in passing while the main focus was always on the troubled times. The habit stays with me to this day and reflects in my blog.
This is why I rarely share the happiness that T gives me and just delve on the stuff that really bothers me.
I wanted to write about T's recent illness and all that we went through but somehow as soon as T got better and I got time to post, the memory of the harrowing illness faded and all I really remembered was the way T bravely and cheerfully dealt with it all.
I record the milestones in a baby book so the dates when he said 'Maah' and then 'Baah' and 'Kya hai', all were put in there and not blogged about.
However, I really felt like writing about T today. He is about 9 and a half months old now and has been a very happy and cheerful baby all along. He has a smile for everyone even though he is now selective about who's lap he goes to. He is very fond of music, I think because of all the piano lessons I took during pregnancy. He always joins in when P hums a tune. He claps when there's music on TV or radio. He's even figured out a funny bhangra type dancing step to go with the music. He is very loud and screams out in joy whenever he gets a chance to. Another peculiar habit he has is that he is a total exhibitionist and needs an audience whenever he is playing. When P throws him up in the air, he first spots me and then squeals with joy but I have to be there for him to react to the fun otherwise he will just politely smile. The intensity of his reaction depends on the kind of audience he has.

When we were about to have T. P and I always used to wonder what it would be like to have a baby around. We used to worry about the constant crying that would ruin the peace in our house. What were completely unprepared for was this happy little energetic thing who would infuse such joy in our home.

We never thought having a baby would fill us with such enthusiasm for even the most mundane things in life. T knows the sound of an airplane and everytime one passes by he points his finger to the roof. Now whenever I'm not with T and I hear the sound, it makes me smile. Imagine I must have heard it a million times before but now it always makes me think of T.

There are many such things that T has made us look at and notice that we took for granted. It's really like looking at the world anew. I am grateful to T for giving me this new lease on life and the world. Feels like I'm born again.

f$*% them all...

2008-02-15T01:28:00.000-08:00

This is what I said last night to P after the dinner with 'friends'. This was the first time I ever used the F word. I never ever swear. My knowledge of cuss words is extremely limited and I hardly ever go beyond calling someone 'a fool' even when I'm drunk. In fact I recall this one incident, when my sister who had this terrible habit of showing the middle finger irritated me so much that I attempted to show her the finger back. And silly ignorant me not knowing which finger to stick out, put out the wrong one. So what really happened to make me utter these forbidden words? I will try to describe it although the whole situation is extremely complex.
Actually to put it concisely, P has these two friends from donkey's years, almost a couple of decades now. One is extremely rich and the other is more like us. And to make it more complex, one of them is married to my ex best friend. So now before we got married they were all very thick. After we got married, I was not accepted into the group for various reasons and we drifted apart.

We got back in touch after a couple of years and started socialising again till the other friend got married to my ex-best friend. Now this foursome meets very often. One couple has a kid but totally believes in leaving him with the help at all times, the other couple does not have any. So obviously, we are the ones with most obligations and time constraints. And these people have never been understanding on anything that concerns P and me, so they have completely excluded us. We talk on the phone but we are never invited to any of their outings. We have felt extremely hurt on more than one occasions but this time they have really done it.

Yesterday when one of them called us to join them for dinner, we were sceptical but we went anyway. P and I are not sure and absolutely can't explain why we went but we did. We went to the dinner talking about how much we detest everyone of them but we still decided to have a good time.. eat, drink and be merry and not give a damn to them.

So these guys walked in together though they live quite far apart and one of them lives quite close to us. But this is normally how they arrange their pick ups. As soon as they sat down, this one man promptly ordered two drinks for himself and the other guy, completely ignoring P. The gesture, as we know him very well, was meant to send a message across to P that he is very thick with the other guy and P is not a part of it anymore. P and I ignored him and ordered a nice bottle of wine for ourselves.

The evening was not bad at all. P and I had a good time. Though these guys acted like total jerks but P & I just didn't give any heed to it. I was totally myself throughout the evening which was a nice change in their company. All the other times that I've met them, I've tried hard to be a part of the group and not do or say stuff that will make them judge me. But I had had enough, they are just not worth it and now that P doesn't really care about them, I don't have to either. So I enjoyed my food and drink, dressed the way I wanted to and said exactly what I thought about everything. It was a liberating experience. I also clearly put the message across that we know what they are up to. P and I are not blind to the neat exclusion game that some or all of them have been playing and we don't give two hoots to it.

On our way back, when P and I dissected the events of the evening, the only words that could truly express my sentiment was 'f$*% them all' .

Edited to add: The last post about letting go was also meant for the same group of people.

Why is it so hard to let go?

2008-02-11T03:05:00.000-08:00

Old friendships that have lost their charm and even trust. There are constant misunderstandings. All that's left is envy and jealousy. Every word and action is judged bitterly. We know we will never belong in that group. We have run out of reasons to try yet again to be a part, to forget and forgive and start once again. Still why is it so hard to let go and move on? Why do we still wonder whats happening there? Why do we still talk about them so often? Why does it seem so unfair that we were never accepted for what we were? So unfair that all our effort was futile. Why do we still care when we don't want to? Which one of them did this to us and why? It doesn't really matter but why does it still bothers us?

Me on TV

2008-02-06T02:58:00.000-08:00

Okay so this was another first for me... I actually participated on a TV show. After getting numerous calls from this TV channel for various mommy talk shows, I went for this one on 'post-natal exercise for mommies'. Basically I have been dying to get back in shape but I haven't been doing much about it so I thought I might learn some great secrets and fit into my old clothes soon. And honestly another attraction was the place they were shooting at, this fancy spa and gym in town which I really wanted to see. So despite being slightly unwell, I popped an aspirin and went along.
As soon as I entered the place, I was directed to this other lady who was waiting for the same shoot. Well when I saw her I was pretty sure I would either be sent back with an apology or used like some sorry extras exercising in the background. Anyway I sat and I waited with her and got to know that though she was skinny as a stick and prettily made up as a model, she had two kids, 20 something months and 4 months... 4 months .. can you believe that and I still look like I do even after 9 months now... So i was pretty sure she would be the star mommy of the show. Then finally it turned out that she was to host the show and I was the only exercising mommy they had.
So the crew arrived, we started shooting.. me in no makeup, even forgot to put my kohl in the hurry.. and sticky tied up hair :(.. But i had decided to make the most of the time and I had fun as soon as I stopped thinking about how I looked. The other woman on the show was a trainer who was in fantastic shape. I had a good time chatting with the two smart women and the shooting. Nobody really told me what to do so I had to just talk extempore and it was quite informal. The place is awesome, beautifully done up with water and greens. I hadn't seen such a luxurious spa and gym ever before, just being their was quite relaxing.

So this morning the show was aired. Its a new channel and not very popular so most likely very few people caught it. It was a strange thing to see myself on TV. Though I looked like shit and a buffalo compared to the two women, I was still glad I did it. (They say the camera adds ten kilos right?)

A Wholesome Weekend

2008-02-04T02:40:00.000-08:00

The weekend is over and looks like the Monday blues are here to stay. The MM and OA visited us late Friday evening for some baby-less time and it was very pleasant. We guys managed to stay off the baby chat for the greater part of the evening. P and I were finally happy for some adult company. Not that we don't enjoy our time with T but we need to socialise with adults to remain sane and more importantly to not forget adult language when the usual talk around the house is on the lines of "birdie kaha hai?" (where is the bird?) and maah ko paah kar do.. ( Give mama a kiss).

Saturday was hectic but I got a lot done from the monthly grooming at the saloon to clothes alterations and also a trip to Chandni Chowk with mum to pick some gifts. We went gallivanting around town in the evening after leaving T with Nanu & Nani. We started with kebabs in Defence Colony market then to the new Six Month Story at Chattarpur which was quite sad. Finally we ended up at the old favourite Dublin and danced the night away.

Sunday was supposed to be an outing to the Ethiopian embassy for some authentic food with some friends and P and I were really looking forward to it but the sun played spoilt sport . It was overcast and windy and too cold to take T out and no one was available to babysit. So the day was spent with all three of us huddled in a blanket with the heater on. And we finally caught Om Shanti Om on DVD. I refrain from commenting on the movie. All I can say is that a bunch of smart people made a big joke on the sensibilities of the Indian audience and made a lot of money. We were supposed to attend a wedding in the evening of an ex colleague of mine from HCL which we almost passed due to the weather but then finally went to. And the biggest moment of the day was when my mum who is so hard to please, complimented me on my dressing. So all in all a good weekend.

The Misfit

2008-02-01T00:59:00.000-08:00

If ever a term has described me aptly it's a "misfit". Lets start from the beginning. Since, my Grandpa had lost all in the move from Pakistan to India during the partition, it had been an uphill ride all along. They were a conventional struggling Punjabi business family till my mum came along. She came from a service class family from small town UP. She was a Punjabi too but a modest, strict and extremely conservative upbringing in that small town made her very different from the family she married into.

My father was struggling very hard with my grandfather to build a business back in the 1980's. So he was mostly at work at all sort of hours and there was never a Sunday at our house. The only event we looked forward to in the week used to be a Monday night supper when we would go out to a restaurant to eat. Its not like he wasn't a part of our lives, he would help mum in the kitchen whenever he was home and we would go for short vacations at least a couple of times in the year but he was missing from the smaller everyday things. So our upbringing was like that of small town UP conservative girls rather than the Big bad Delhi that we lived in. It was always full of contradictions. We could wear shorts and skirts but not talk to boys. We could attend loads of activity programs in and out of school, all co-ed but not have any friends of the opposite sex. No 'boy' classmates could come home for a birthday party or even call to ask for homework. My mum expected us to live like we were in a government run school in her town rather than a public school in south Delhi. Another thing was the choice of school. We went to this school because it was convenient to get admission through a contact and it was close to home. My mother was too ignorant and father too occupied to rethink the choice of school even after our circumstances improved many fold.
So basically I was a misfit in school as most kids were from different kind of families than I was ( financially and culturally). And I was somehow always a little older (not literally) than the kids around me. Or at least I behaved like one. Being the elder sister, at home i was forced to be more responsible and not child like. Also my general nature of being aloof and introvert didn't help either. What I regret about those times is that no one was around to guide me. To talk to me and tell me that its important to be open in life, to make friends, to do as much as you can and not just sit in a corner and read. Anyway all of this made me quite anti social and probably because of being in the wrong school, my parents never approved of any of my friends and as a result there is hardly any friendship that I cherish from those all important school days.
I was always a misfit as most school mates were not good enough for me according to my parents and other playmates in the super posh colony where we lived were too good for me and quite intimidating.

Then came college, due to total lack of knowing what I wanted out of life and no guidance at all, I didn't end up in a great place. Though I did meet some good people and even became a part of this great group of friends and that was fun. I believed that we were great friends for life but it didn't last too long after we left college. These friends again came from diverse family backgrounds than mine. The truth was that I had more privileges than they had, my car had become the only source of commuting for everyone and somehow i used to be conveniently left out when the car wasn't needed. But I was too innocent to think about all this then, the concept of money being a criteria for friendship did not exist for me. In fact that's why i was a misfit as i used the privileges I had without realising that people around me could not have them. My parents had never made us feel that we were quite well off. We mostly lived a modest life so we didn't fit in with the moneyed crowd and somehow were excluded from the non moneyed ones. All this really struck me when I left college and me and another friend got married just about an year after that. I married below my parent's expectations. I did not marry money. This friend married much above everyone's expectations. She married money. And suddenly most of the college group ignored and left me high and dry and stuck to the other girl. That's when I realized what had been happening all along. Now all this is purely based on what I think. I have never confronted anyone. This is another flaw in the way I live my life. I let friends go rather than confront them. And somehow till now (when i find myself with no friends), I thought this was a great idea.

Then came work, I joined an IT company. I was good at my work but somehow initially judged by my family. The manager thought that since I drove my own car to work and my family was well off, i didn't need the job so he assumed that I was not responsible enough. I worked very hard to break this perception and finally quit and joined an even better company. Here I made sure I underplayed myself till i had won every one's confidence and admiration for my work. But I didn't fit too well here either. Most of my colleagues were from small towns and had a very different set of ideas. I, in no way mean to demean anyone in this post. When I say 'not well off' or 'from small towns' , I simply want to highlight the differences in basic living and thinking that exists due to difference in exposure and circumstances. I know its not impossible to get along with people who are different than us, I did get along with most people around me at all points in my life but I never could make true friends who understand and really know me. Its not easy to understand or enjoy the same things if there are a lot of deep rooted, basic differences. I was always afraid of being judged for who I was or who I wasn't, so i never really trusted anyone enough to be real with them. Maybe I never really tried. But now all I feel is regret for all those growing up years when people make friends who last them a lifetime, I don't have any that I can call to cry my heart out to in the middle of the night.
Marriage made my social situation even worse, the husbands friends were a world apart from where I came and didn't do much to help me adjust. As a result we drifted apart from them too.

I know that this post is miserable and badly written. It has no definite direction. I don't know how to control my emotions to tweak this post to make it look good. I'm writing this only to get all of this off my chest. At the risk of sounding foolish or desperate or crazy, I will still publish it. Isn't that the whole idea of blogging?

2008-01-31T03:22:00.000-08:00

T's response to being asked "nosey kaha hai?" (where is your nose?)

Sins I committed...

2008-01-31T03:18:00.000-08:00

Mozzarella the day before...
Lado yesterday and a guilty gulab jamun :(
A rasogulla today..
(and can't stop dreaming about a Hot Chocolate Fudge)

I will never be thin again... :(

2008-01-29T03:55:00.000-08:00

After a series of low days and some extremely low days, I feel better today.. Hope and optimism have woken up from the deep slumber that they had settled into for a while. Nothing specific happened to change anything but then nothing specific had happened to make me feel low either.
I guess the disastrous picnic of 26th had set off my mood and then my general negativity had taken over. I had drowned myself when I had the liberty and time, to delve on life's choices and where they've brought me. Everything seemed wrong and there seemed no way to make it better. The clouds have parted now fortunately and all's right with the world again. I realize that what is keeping me away from the life I want is only ME. I am the one stopping myself from being what I want and doing what I want. No I did not read a self help book but just used my head after a long time. Just hope I can remember this when I need to.

I think I need a list. During my student days and even my corporate job days, I always had a very specific list of goals for the year down to how much money I need to make and what new things to learn or new places to visit. Since I started working with my father, the career goals have been vague. And since T's birth, the goals have been about T sitting up by 6th month, crawling by 8th. I think coming up with a specific list will give my life some structure and a target to work towards. And I can just look at the list on gloomy days and hopefully tick somethings on it and feel better.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

2008-01-25T02:38:00.000-08:00

We watched an extremely interesting rendition by director Tim Supple of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's dream at Kamani Auditorium last evening. We had to struggle quite a bit for the tickets and ended up buying the most expensive ones, though surprisingly the theatre wasn't even close to being completely full. Anyway, it was an amazing production and totally worth spending our time and money on. The thing that really stood out and made an impact was the use of various languages (English, Hindi, Tamil, Marathi, Bengali, Sinhalese, Malayalam and Sanskrit). This meant that no one really understood all of the dialogues as different characters spoke different languages and yet everyone seemed to understand and enjoy the whole. In fact, it was interesting to hear different parts of the audience react to different parts of the play.

The acting, the expressions, the body language, the modulation of voice and of course the acrobatics were enough to play out such complex situations.
Before I saw the play I was wondering if it would be possible to create the magic of the fairies and the enchanted forest on a stage unless expensive technology and costumes were used Broadway style. I couldn't have been more wrong. Magic was created on stage with sheer muscle power without much use of technology. A simple grid of bars about three floors high and stage wide was all they used and a couple of ropes hanging from the top. The rest was left to the actors and their acrobatic skills. They left us completely spell bound.

The symbolism used in certain scenes, like a complicated maze of thread running all across the stage, around the arguing actors was extremely effective. On the whole it was a great experience and I hope we in Delhi get to see more of such excellent theatre sans the struggle for tickets.

A first for me...

2008-01-24T02:08:00.000-08:00

I fired someone for the first time today. It was a horrid feeling. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be an entrepreneur :(

The cosy job at IBM was much easier. The closest I ever came to affecting someones carrier was just a performance feedback but taking away a job seems terrible.
Although this girl really had it coming. I had been warning her for the last 2 months to no effect. So I guess I shouldn't really feel so miserable about it.

The list..

2008-01-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

Hmm... inspired by MM, heres my list..

George Clooney

Shiney Ahuja

Abhishek Bachchan

Milind Soman

Richard Gere

will get P's list soon :)

A picnic and a new milestone

2008-01-20T08:39:00.000-08:00

T and I were really happy today to have P around after a long time. He had been busy with work the last 10 days or so. So we decided to pack lunch (Sunday special rajma-chawal) and visit the Lodhi gardens. The day was bright and sunny and we had a great time soaking in the green surroundings, the sun and the cool breeze. T enjoyed crawling on the grass and eating some of it too.. He noticed the birds and squirrels, he was quite fascinated with the rustling of leaves in the trees above.

And the best part came towards the evening, T called me 'maah'. It was such a beautiful sound and it took me a little while to realize that he was actually calling out to me. It was such an exhilarating feeling. I think I really felt like a mum today after he christened me. 'maah'.. and when angry or irritated a more emphatic 'maaaaaah'..

I'm always filled with wonder when he understands something new like when he points to the sky as soon as he hears a bird or an aeroplane. And lately it seems like he's understanding and expressing much more than he did earlier. But that means he's growing up really fast and I haven't yet got my fill of this stage in his life.

Here's a picture of T reaching into the picnic basket..

A very angry evening...

2008-01-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

Last evening should have been a very happy and proud one for me but it wasn't. P had a big event and it was tough to pull it off due to some limitations at the venue. I went there at 7pm, well before the start of the do at 9 pm. P just wanted be to be there then to witness the energy at the place when everyone was rushing to get things done.
P's events are a big deal for me. It's very hard work right from pitching to execution so I normally make a point to be there even if it means going to a different city. So my being there last night was important for both of us. However, as soon as I got there tempers began to soar. P had landed this business through a friend of his; let’s call him L, who was hence his partner in the event.
When I entered, first L ignored me completely. I don't know what it is about this class of Indian men, let alone chivalry they don’t even extend basic courtesy to women.. well not even to their wives. I just went and sat in a corner to watch P in action. Sounds silly but I love watching him at his work.. speaking to a million people, the wireless headphones on.. rushing everywhere, all that hard work and energy just before all the pieces fall together to complete a perfect event. I watched the rehearsals, music, skinny girls cat-walking the ramp (forcing me to look down at my tummy and feel awful :( ). Anyway, soon I notice that L is screaming at everyone P being a specially chosen target. Now I wasn't close enough to hear anything but I could guess from their body language. It seemed like L was being the bully. I waited for a while and tried to get P's attention and then P came close to where I was but he called me on the phone instead of coming up to me. This confirmed all my fears. Mr L had a problem with me being there.

This might sound strange but we have faced his problem many a time. I wonder why these guys act the way they do. Do they think that I will distract P from his work?? Hell no... P is a thorough professional and we are not teenagers. If this is how much they trust P, why involve him in such big projects? And they know his work experience.. he's really good at what he does. I'm not just praising him because he's my husband, I am very critical about his work but he is really good. And his wife being there is for emotional support at a big moment, not to distract him. That is not really the time & place where we would like to sit in a corner and express our undying love for each other. So where is the problem?

Last year, P was working with another guy quite often on a similar arrangement as with L. This person also had a major issue with me being present everywhere by P's side. Be it events or parties. This is how we are, we love being around each other and we don't see any harm in it other than invoking the wrath of these strange men in some impossible way. The only reason I can somehow see is that these men are never with their wives. They are socialising every night mostly for the sake of business networking and their wives are home bringing up their kids. They drink too much.. party too much and unfortunately are unfaithful to their wives.

All this forces me and P to think if our relationship acts as a deterrent in his work (actually we some times think that when we are we friends too.. but that's another story)? Does he also need to leave his family very often and socialise with all sorts of corrupt people and lure them into giving him business? Does he also have to act like a pimp to get business?
(excuse the unpleasant word but it really does come to that)
So basically an honest, family man is a total misfit in the profession that P is in, but it's just that he loves this work.

Finally after the phone call with P, I walked out before the event began, angrier than I had ever been with the injustice lent out to P. I prayed that L's ego fall flat on his face and that the event goes well despite everything.
P finally got home at 4 am. The event went extremely well and the client praised and hugged P in front of everyone on the stage. I hope L got a good lesson. It's strange how people change overnight.
L had always been quite amiable to us but lately since his business had got on better, I could faintly sense a change of attitude and last night proved it.

I can't wait for the day when P does not have to depend on such people for work. P is very patient with people so he never retorts to screaming back at them. It makes me so angry to see these people walk all over him. But when the day comes, these people will bite dust.

Rude Rude People

2008-01-18T08:34:00.001-08:00

I am probably a very weak, door-mattish person and a lousy mother. That is why I often find myself in a situation where an acquaintance just grabs my baby away from me or whoever is holding him against my wishes and better judgment. This more often than not results in poor T howling to get away from the said person or like a few hours ago catching a cold.

This is how it goes. I went to drop some papers to my parents and was supposed to leave those at the gate with the guard but turns out this women who was visiting ( a friend of theirs who I'm not particularly fond of) rushed out to meet T who was almost asleep in the maid's lap in the car. Now I was in the driver's seat and couldn't do much so this women just opened the car door, grabbed T and took him out in the cold to "play" with him. Now my baby is a real person and extremely delicate at the age of 8 months. He is NOT A TOY for strangers to play with. He feels cold and he does not like random people holding him when he's half asleep.

Though the little gentleman that he is, he smiled at her but it was a sad helpless smile that only his mum can understand. And it was freezing outside with the cold breeze blowing and the woman, in her hurry to get hold of my baby, left his blanket behind.. and because of her and of course my foolishness, T has a runny nose. Someone tell these people that this goes down as very rude and hurtful behaviour.

Also to be added to the list of such behaviour is when over zealous people try to wake up a poor sleeping baby so they can "play" with him. How would they feel if someone woke them up in the middle of their sleep and tossed them in the air. I'm sure they'll not be giggling and gurgling with joy.

As for me, I think its time I stand up for my baby regardless of who I offend.

Blog if it makes you happy...

2008-01-18T00:29:00.000-08:00

Someone recently said to me to "Blog if you makes you happy" . I have been blogging quite often for the last couple of days and I just realized that it really does make me happy.
I just gave out my URL to my sister who in a lot of ways is the inspiration behind my blog. I hope my blog remains as true to me as it has been despite the audience :)

A little Merlot goes a long way...

2008-01-18T00:06:00.000-08:00

A nice Chilean Merlot and T going to bed early led to a surprisingly pleasant evening spent with P. After a long time, months maybe, we played a movie on the DVD and cuddled up on the cold winter evening... sipped wine in new Macy's glasses that I'd got from my trip to NY. No prizes for guessing where this all ended.. :)

Meeting Mommy Bloggers

2008-01-17T00:39:00.000-08:00

I met a couple of mommy bloggers yesterday. I can't call myself much of a blogger yet but I am a mommy for sure. Considering I had been seeking some mommy-baby company for a long time, this was most welcome. It was nice to see these intelligent, qualified women enjoying motherhood to the hilt. I did feel a little left out at times since I'm not really the vivacious, talkative person that i wish i were but it was mostly fun. I really want to have these women as friends 'cos i think essentially we are quite similar. And I will try to not let myself be intimidated by smart people.. There's no harm trying right?

When all hell broke loose..

2008-01-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

Coming back from a crazy day at work... Driving in Delhi traffic at the rush hour, which is every other hour but really this was terrible... baby T howling in his car seat.. struggling to get out.. and to top it all the maid getting sick and puking out the window.. phew..